He’d tried to airbrush her out of his thoughts? And failed? Well, that made two of them. Even so…
‘Why didn’t you act on it? You’ve been back two weeks and you haven’t contacted me.’
‘You’ve changed your phone number.’
She felt a twinge of guilt. ‘I know. I’m sorry, I suppose I should have told you. But you could have found me if you’d really wanted to. You know enough people.’
He nodded. ‘You’re right, and I was going to as soon as I knew what I was doing, where I was going to be, but whatever, I’ve found you now, I’m here, I’m back for good, and at least I know you’re all right. Well, as all right as you can be, I guess.’
Their eyes locked, his heavy with understanding, and she felt her heart quiver.
‘I’ve missed you,’ she said, the admission wrung from her without her consent, and he smiled sadly.
‘I’ve missed you, too. I didn’t realise how much, until I saw you again. All that airbrushing just didn’t work.’
Her eyes welled, and she blinked the tears away.
‘Ry, I’m not the person I was. I’ve changed.’
‘I’m sure you have. So have I. Don’t worry, I don’t expect anything, Beth, but it is good to see you again and I’m so sorry I let you down. I wish I could undo it.’
She nodded, looking away from those all-seeing eyes, turning her attention back to the froth on her coffee. She poked the last bit of froth with the spoon, then looked up again.
‘So if you really are done with MFA, are you going for the permanent post? James was groaning the other day about the calibre of the applicants so they’ve obviously had to extend the closing date, and it sounds like he wants you to apply.’
He looked thoughtful. ‘That depends.’
‘On?’
‘You, again, of course.’ He shrugged again. ‘I don’t want to do something that you don’t want, Beth. If you don’t want me here, I won’t apply, especially since we’ll be working together. I know I’ve accepted the locum job, but if that’s an issue, too, I can always pull out. I haven’t signed anything yet.’
She frowned at him. ‘But you’ve said you’ll do it! You’d never go back on your word.’
‘I would if it would hurt you. The last thing I want is to hurt you again.’
She shook her head. ‘You didn’t hurt me, not like Rick hurt me. You didn’t lie and cheat and sleep with my best friend and then pretend it was over when it wasn’t. Your only failing was your commitment to Medicine For All, but I got that. I understood, and I admired you for it.’
‘Katie didn’t.’
‘I know, but I’m not Katie, and you’re not Rick, and you’ve never hurt me. And you were there for me when it mattered, and you stayed until it was over. That meant so much.’
‘I could have stayed longer. Should have stayed longer.’
‘No. I didn’t want you to, Ryan. You needed to go back, to fulfil your commitments, and I needed to be on my own. You were right, you couldn’t do anything constructive to help me, and there were people in other parts of the world who really did need you. Don’t feel guilty.’
‘But I do.’
‘Well, don’t. I don’t need your guilt, I’ve got enough burdens. You did the right thing.’
She straightened up and smiled at him, pushing back the shadows. ‘Why don’t I give you that guided tour James was talking about, and introduce you to some of the others? And then you can decide if you want to apply.’
‘You don’t mind? I might get it. You have to be sure.’
She shrugged. ‘Ryan, we’re in desperate need of another consultant and I can’t stand in the way of that, but I can’t promise you a future with me, not in any way, so if you’re thinking of applying because of that—’
‘I’m not. I’ve told you, I don’t expect anything from you.’
‘Good. Let’s go and do this, then.’
The department was much as expected—modern, well equipped, but ridiculously busy, and he could see why he was needed.
And they had a permanent post going. It would be a great job, a perfect place to settle down—with Beth?
No. She’d warned him off, said she’d changed, and so had he, and yet he’d still felt his heart slam against his chest at the sight of her, felt a surge of something utterly unexpected when he’d pulled her into his arms and hugged her.
Love?
Of course not. He didn’t do love, not any more, and anyway, it wouldn’t work. She wanted other things from life, things he didn’t want, things that didn’t include him, but they could still be friends. They could work on that, and it was still a great hospital in a beautiful part of England. What more could a man want? And anyway, it was only a temporary post at the moment. It wasn’t like he was committed. If they couldn’t work together, he could always leave it at that and move on.
‘Seen enough?’
He met her soft grey-green eyes, so bad at hiding her feelings, and he could tell she wanted to get away.
‘Yes. Thank you, Beth. I need to get on, anyway, I’ve got to find somewhere to live by Monday. Any idea who to ask?’
‘Hang on, Livvy Henderson might know.’ She stuck her head back into Resus. ‘Livvy, do you know if anyone’s moved into the house you were renting? Ryan’s looking for somewhere.’
‘Ah, no, Ben’s got a new tenant.’ She flashed him a smile. ‘Sorry I can’t help. I hope you find something, Ryan.’
‘I’m sure I will. Never mind. Thanks.’ He turned back to Beth. ‘So—any other ideas?’
‘Baldwins? They’ve got a few properties near me advertised to let. Might be worth asking them. They’ve got an office on the High Street. It depends what you want.’
He laughed, thinking of some of the places he’d slept in over the past two years, and shook his head. ‘I’m not fussy. Just so long as it has a garden. I need to be able to get outside. And somewhere to park would be handy.’
‘Go and see them. I’m sure they’ll have something.’
He nodded. ‘I will. Thank you. I was thinking I’d check into a hotel and maybe look at some places tomorrow.’
Something flickered in her eyes and then was gone, as if she’d changed her mind. ‘Good idea,’ she said, but nothing more, and he wondered what she’d been going to say. Whatever, she’d thought better of it, and he realised he had some serious work to do to rebuild their friendship.
Baby steps, he thought, and then felt a stab of pain.
‘Right. Well, I’ll see you on Monday.’
The eyes flickered again, and he could see the moment she changed her mind. ‘Give me a call, tell me how you get on.’
‘I don’t have your number, remember.’ And nobody changed their number unless they wanted to hide, so from whom? Rick? Him? Or from the others, the well-meaning friends who hadn’t quite known what to say to her? He could understand that. He’d blocked quite a few numbers.