“But whether you want money or not, it’s the only thing you’ll ever get from me.”
Her lips slacked in surprise, then pursed. Her brows drew together and she shifted her gaze to the darkened windows. “I don’t want any.”
“No, you want me to be a father, I can tell. But Jaya, that stuff I told you earlier about my lousy childhood. That’s why I never wanted to be one.” He looked past her knees, jaw clenching, seeing nothing but a blur of his past. “It’s not just fear that I’ll turn out like the old man and raise my hand—”
“You wouldn’t,” she said.
He lifted his gaze to focus on her face, trying to read her meaning. Was it a challenging, You wouldn’t dare? Or an expression of confidence in him?
He mentally stepped away from trying to decipher her words, disturbed by how badly he wanted her to believe in him when he didn’t know if he could believe in himself.
“I’d like to think I wouldn’t, but if my life fell apart the way my dad’s did and I tried to cope by drinking...” He rubbed the hard tension from his jaw, needing her to understand that whether she wanted something from him or not, there was nothing here. “Beyond that, though, is the lack of substance in me. I told you what kind of man I was that night in Bali. I’d make a terrible father. I don’t make strong connections, ever. Kids need something better than what I’m capable of offering.”
It was the hard truth, but he still searched her expression, wanting her to argue.
“Aren’t you underestimating yourself?” Hope wound through her question like a strand of gold, catching at him, filling him with bittersweet satisfaction at how predictable she was. He wished he could live up to her view of him, he really did.
He shook his head. “The closest connection I have is with my sister and we don’t talk about personal things.” Well, he didn’t. Adara had opened up about her marriage when it had almost fallen apart, but he’d only had to listen and stand by her. No reciprocation required.
“What about your brother? You said you talked to Adara about Nic that night we—I mean in Bali.”
Inexplicably, he found himself rising, finding himself verging on retreat because her question stood on his toes and leaned into his space, but he couldn’t walk out. He owed her some kind of explanation.
He tried to pace off his discomfort. “Adara talked, I listened. Since then I’ve told you more about how that has impacted me than I’ve ever admitted to anyone else.”
“Really?” She cocked her head in surprise.
“This is what I’m saying, Jaya. I don’t connect on a meaningful level. To be honest, I wish I could take a page from Nic’s book. He grew up isolated and neglected and he’s made a really good life for himself. A nice family with Ro and Evie. So has Adara with Gideon. I look at the way they dote on their kids and I’m envious, but I don’t even know what words describe those things they demonstrate so how could I become like they are?”
She pressed her drawn lips together and swallowed like she was fighting back deep feelings. Her unblinking eyes glittered before she dropped her lashes to hide them.
“Not every man falls in love at first sight with his child,” she allowed in a voice that made his heart shrivel. “It’s different for a woman, especially when she carries the baby for nine months. The attachment is there from the minute she holds the baby.”
“What if the attachment never arrives?” His worst nightmare was producing that same feeling of being unwanted and unloved that he’d grown up with. “What would that do to Zephyr if he expects it and it isn’t there? Don’t bother trying to answer that because I know how it feels. I thought I had an attachment to my father and he wound up attacking me with his belt.”
She flinched like he’d struck her and he wanted to kick himself.
“I shouldn’t talk to you about it.” He paced away across the room. This was why he didn’t talk about his personal life. “It upsets you to hear it and it doesn’t do a damned thing to resolve it for me, but that’s what I’m trying to get across. He broke that part of me. I don’t know how to be what a child would need. I only know what not to be.”
“That’s a start.”
“A very pitiful one. Zephyr deserves better. Be the mother I know you are and admit that. You wouldn’t settle for anything less than the best for him.”
She didn’t say anything, only pressed her knuckles to her mouth and kept her head bent. She might even have nodded.
That hurt. It hurt so bad he couldn’t breathe, even though—maybe especially because—it was the honesty he’d demanded.
“So let’s talk about money,” he said.
Her gaze came up, dagger sharp with disbelief. “I was dead serious when I said the last thing I’d ever do is use him to extort anything from you.”
“That doesn’t mean you’ll never struggle. He’s the only progeny I’ll have.” He certainly wouldn’t take any woman’s word and play roulette with his sperm again. He should look into a vasectomy, he supposed, filing that thought for later because right now he couldn’t imagine sleeping with anyone but the woman in this room.
Weird how he could be having this incredibly uncomfortable conversation and still be aroused by the way her breasts moved in the confines of her bra or her pants clung to her backside as she bent.
Forcing himself to set down thoughts too hot to entertain, he said, “Whether you want it or not, I’ll set up a portfolio for both of you. You might as well have a say in it.”
“Oh, Theo! I was going to leave Zephyr with Quentin tonight.” She sprang into action again, tossing soft bears and cloth books into a box that groceries had been delivered in. “Then I saw how much poor Evie and Androu were missing their mamas and I couldn’t deprive Zephyr of a night with his own. And I was mad at you! I was mad that you ignored my calls because I never wanted your stupid money or a relationship or anything for me. I only wanted to be decent and let you know you have a son. And now what are you doing? Offering me money and trying to pretend your child doesn’t exist.”
“I didn’t say that,” he growled, pushing angry fists into his pockets, slouching as he turned his back on her. “That’s not what I said.”
“Then take part in his life!”
“How? I’ve just explained that I don’t want to hurt him, physically or mentally, but I very likely would!”
“But that’s it, that’s the vital piece you think you don’t have. You already care about him. Don’t you? A little?” Don’t beg, she warned herself. He might be right. It might be better to buffer Zephyr against indifference if that’s all Theo was capable of.
She really didn’t want to believe that, though. She didn’t want her son growing up feeling as she had, dismissed and unimportant. For heaven’s sake, didn’t he realize what a gift she’d given him? A son. That was supposed to elevate her value in his eyes.
Congratulations, Jaya. Modern women raise their children alone and nobody regards her as special. The clash of cultural mores made her furious.
“Don’t write Zephyr off without even trying to get to know him. That’s callous. It’s cowardly. You be a better man than that,” she demanded with a point of her finger. “I never would have slept with you if I believed you lacked compassion and the ability to respect someone for their worth.”
“Really.” He spun to confront her, head thrown back in challenge as he stared down his nose at her. “I thought we were using each other for escape that night.”
And he was getting his back up because he thought