No one wants to hear the ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow’ extended mix featuring MC Daryl the office good-time guy on ‘hip hip hoorays’. It’s awkward. People have work to do. And cake to eat. Hopefully a delicious homemade one if you’ve adhered to the previous rule.
GENERAL LANGUAGE RULES
71
Once you hear a word used in an ad, it’s time to stop using it
A good example of this would be ‘hangry’, which was used in a flavoured-milk ad. You don’t want to use that word anymore, because if it’s appeared in an ad it’s officially past its use-by date. Advertising people are notorious for being one step behind and stealing ideas from other art forms, such as films, TV and comedy. I know because I used to be in advertising.
72
Never tell someone you have a GSOH
It’s unnecessary. If you have a good sense of humour, it will become apparent the minute you say something funny or laugh appreciatively at something funny that someone else has said.
Similarly, you should never use the terms ‘dark’ or ‘unique’ to describe your own sense of humour. People who genuinely have a dark sense of humour don’t think of it as dark, they just think of it as regular. Whereas people who say they have a dark or unique sense of humour are often trying to make themselves seem interesting, or justify the fact that no one laughed at something they said: ‘Oh, you don’t get it? Must be because I have a very dark sense of humour.’
73
Don’t ever ‘wonder what the poor people are doing’
It’s no big mystery. They’re probably thinking about where their next meal is coming from or how they’re going to pay their rent.
74
Stop saying ‘First World problems’
If you live in the First World, this phrase is an oxymoron. All of our problems are First World problems. So you can safely just say ‘problems’. Unless, of course, you are suddenly hit with a Third World problem, then you might want to flag it as such: ‘Hey?! This bowl of sorghum is tasteless and I think it’s been made with polluted water, talk about Third World problems!’
Or if someone says to you: ‘I can’t come in to work today, I’ve got cholera.’
Then you can respond: ‘Wow! Third World problem or what?!’
75
Clown is not a verb
It’s bad enough that you are a clown, please don’t try to talk it up by saying you are going to do some ‘clowning’ or that you learned ‘to clown’ in Paris.
76
Feed is not a noun
And should never be used as such, as in: ‘Hey, do you want to go for a feed?’ (Farmers are the obvious exception to this rule.)
77
Don’t refer to your wife as ‘ the boss’
As in ‘I’ll have to check with the boss.’ Apart from anything else, it’s almost always disingenuous and only ever cited by men who would overrule their ‘boss’ in a heartbeat if she said something that didn’t suit them.
78
Avoid using adjectives such as delicious or yummy in non - food contexts
For example, you can say, ‘This food is delicious.’ But you cannot say, ‘My, my, don’t you look yummy today.’
79
Don’t describe inanimate objects as ‘sexy’
A typeface isn’t sexy. Nor is an iPhone. Home renovation show judges are flagrant in their disregard for this rule, always referring to things like tap fittings or marble bench tops or even 2PAC polycarbonate cupboards as ‘sexy’.
80
Keep more ye olde words in circulation
Don’t try to keep up with the youth (see next section) instead, go back in time and choose words and phrases from the past. The English language is full of great gear and it’s good to keep words alive. Words like ‘stepping out’ and ‘courting’ are so much better than ‘hooking up’ or ‘getting with’. I have always preferred ‘paramour’ to boyfriend or girlfriend. And ‘poppycock’ speaks for itself—what a great word. And while the youth might refer to ‘pingas’ and ‘nangs’ (although they probably don’t anymore but they did at the time I wrote that sentence), I think when it comes to drug language you can’t go past words like ‘jazz-cabbage’ or indeed the very old-fashioned and rather quaint ‘pot’. The idea of going up to a dealer and asking for ‘three packets of pot, please’ really tickles me.
81
Wellness is not a word
I know this word is everywhere now, it’s inescapable, but it’s as dumb as saying ‘healthosity’ or ‘nutritionative’.
82
The word ‘budget’ should never be paired with any of the following
Seafood
Airline
Plastic surgery
Dental work
83
Don’t refer to your ‘tribe’
Unless you are from an indigenous culture and you genuinely have a tribe. Note, a beard and strident opinions about cold-pressed coffee do not constitute a tribe.
84
Adults do not get to say ‘din - dins’ or ‘nom - noms’
Remember, other people are trying to eat, don’t put them off their food.
85
Don’t ever mention your ‘happy place’
To me, this sounds less like a pleasant, fun state of mind and more like some kind of utopian wank palace you’ve had built in the basement.
86
Poncewobble is a word, please use it
Every year the Macquarie Dictionary accepts a few new words into their dictionary and every year I wait for them to announce that ‘poncewobble’ is one of those words. Sadly, it hasn’t happened yet. I learned about poncewobbling from Jane Faure-Brac, whose brother invented the word sometime during the 1970s. I loved it the first time I heard it.
Poncewobble is a verb and it describes an action that will be recognised by anyone with siblings.