‘Damn shame what’s happened to our Academy. Damn shame!’ This from the ever-excitable Lord Blair, a little bald man who always bounced on his toes when he spoke. ‘We needed those young officers, what with the rumours of trouble on the border near Rely. Looks like we might start up with Landsing all over again! You’d be sorry to miss out on that, wouldn’t you, Cadet? Fast promotions wherever the fighting’s thick, as I’m sure you know.’
I was at a loss. I hadn’t heard we were skirmishing with Landsing again.
‘Gettys is where the real opportunity is!’ This from a man I didn’t recognize. ‘The King’s Road has been at a standstill for damn near two years. Farleyton went out there to replace Brede’s regiment, but from what I hear, they’ve not done well. Same problems Brede had. Disease, desertion and dereliction of duty! The King won’t stand for it any more. I hear he’s sending Cayton’s Horse and Doril’s Foot to reinforce them. I feel sorry for Farleyton. They were a top-notch regiment, not too many years ago. Some say that Gettys will just do that to a regiment. Disease breaks down the morale and destroys the chain of command. Haren’s got the command now. A good enough man for a second, but I’m not sure he’s up to ramrodding an operation like the King’s Road.’
‘Colonel Haren’s a good officer!’ someone else broke in sharply. ‘Careful what you say about him, man. I served beside him at the Battle of Dell.’
‘Gentlemen, gentlemen! Now is not the time for war stories.’ My father quickly broke in on the lively conversation. ‘Nevare, I am sure we are all grateful for the information you have shared with us, but let us not forget that we are here to celebrate a wedding! Surely some of you would rather be on the dance floor than listening to tales of disease and death? Or is there so little hardship in our life that we are drawn to such stories?’
He gained a general laugh with that gently bitter question. It was, indeed, part of our common lot that life was harder here on the edges of civilization.
‘Let us celebrate life while we can!’ one of the men suggested. ‘Death and disease will always be waiting for us.’ And with that dark toast, my audience began to fragment. Some moved towards the musicians and dancing, others towards the tables of food. Grenalter himself left rather hastily. I surreptitiously tracked his flight and saw him join his wife and Carsina at a refreshment table. I saw him send Carsina off to join a group of other young women, and then take his wife’s arm and escort her to a quieter corner. I suspected I knew the topic of conversation. Without intending it, I sought for Kase Remwar, and found him dancing with my sister. She looked blissful. Remwar, an heir son, had been the Grenalters’ first choice as a match for Carsina. Had I just gossiped away my marriage arrangement? And if I had, had I dashed Yaril’s dreams as well? I felt queasy.
My father was not consoling. ‘You should talk less and listen more, Nevare. I will say no more on that topic now, but suggest that for the rest of the day, you become a very good nodder and listener. Keep your tongue from wagging. Why you saw fit to share here such information that you had not previously divulged to me, I shall never know. For the rest of this day, if you must speak, speak only of your brother’s happiness and good fortune. If you must speak of gloom, deplore the dry weather we’ve had!’
With that admonition, he left my side, striding away as if I’d insulted him. Perhaps by his lights, I had. He never liked to be second to know anything. I seethed. It was his own fault. If he had given me a chance to talk to him since my return, he would have known all my news and could have advised me what not to repeat. He had treated me unjustly, but worse, I had foolishly blathered out my tidings without considering if it was wise to do so. I already regretted my lie about what Dr Amicas had said. I felt sure it was true, but I wished I had not quoted the doctor to give greater authority to my belief. The lie shamed me.
That bleakness of spirit suddenly quenched my hunger. I abruptly felt that selecting the food and taking it to a table and making small talk with my fellow guests would require more energy than I could summon. I glanced back at the dance floor. The musicians still played and Carsina was dancing with a young man I didn’t recognize. He was short, freckled and he didn’t dance well, but he wasn’t fat. I stood rooted, watching them and trying not to watch them. I saw her laugh at something he said. A perverse part of me dared me to stay in the room and ask her for the next dance. Her certain refusal would end my hope and put me out of my misery.
I loitered there, at the edge of the crowd, building my courage, denouncing it as foolhardy, rebuilding it, deciding that she was promised to me and it was my right to speak to her, losing my courage again … never had a dance lasted so long, it seemed. When it ended and her partner bowed over her hand and then stepped away from her, it was all I could do to make myself walk in her direction.
She saw me coming. She fled.
And, fool that I was, I hastened after her, cutting through the crowd to close off her retreat. When she realized she could not escape me, she slowed. I closed the remaining distance between us. ‘Carsina. I’ve been hoping to have a dance with you. And a chance to speak to you, and explain what has befallen me.’
It was my misfortune that the musicians suddenly struck up a lively tune rather than the stately waltz I had hoped for. Carsina saved herself and me by saying stiffly, ‘I am weary of dancing at present. Perhaps later.’
‘But perhaps we could talk now. Shall we walk in the garden?’
‘I fear it would not be proper, for we should be unchaperoned.’
My smile at her comment was bitter. ‘That did not stop us, the last time.’
She looked away from me and gave a vexed sigh. ‘That was last time, Nevare. Obviously, much has changed.’
Stung, I replied, ‘What has not changed is that we are promised to one another. Surely you owe me at least the opportunity to tell you what I’ve been through—’
‘I owe you nothing, sir!’ she flared at me. Her companion from the last dance suddenly reappeared, carrying two glasses of wine. His eyes widened with disapproval that I had forced a lady to give me such a stern response.
I warned him off with a glare. ‘The lady and I are having a conversation.’
He was a head shorter than me, but probably thought my weight made me soft. ‘It did not sound like a conversation to me. It sounded as if she wished you to leave her alone.’
‘We are promised to one another. I have the right to—’
‘Not formally!’ Carsina cut in quickly. ‘And I do wish you to leave me alone.’
‘You see, sir, the lady has wearied of your company. Be a gentleman, and allow her to withdraw.’ He stepped bravely between us. He was all long neck and freckled nose. I could have snapped him like a twig. I looked over his head at Carsina.
‘Perhaps she should be a lady and do me the courtesy of hearing me out,’ I said levelly.
‘Do you insinuate I am not a lady?’ Carsina flared at me. ‘Nevare Burvelle, you insult me. I shall tell my father of this!’
Anger sang in my blood and rang in my ears. I seethed with fury. Words burst from me, coming from whence I knew not. ‘And you have ignored me, fled from me and thus insulted me thrice today, and this shall be the last time. There will come a time before you die, Carsina, when you will crawl on your knees and beg pardon for how you have treated me this day.’
Her mouth fell open at my harsh words. She looked, in her astonishment, both childish and common. All the prettiness fled from her face as anger flooded it. I’d said too much, spoken too rashly. I could not have done a more awkward, awful thing at my brother’s wedding.
Carsina’s face went scarlet. In horror, I saw tears