Kelly told Priya her tale of woe while she fixed herself a favorite late-night meal: Campbell’s tomato soup with popcorn, and soon Priya’s laughter was coming so loudly through the phone it nearly drowned out the popping from the microwave.
“You just walked out of the restaurant? You literally did that?” Priya gasped.
“I mean, it wasn’t that bad, really. Not as bad as it sounds,” Kelly protested grumpily.
“After you told him you needed to poo?”
“Well, I didn’t tell him—”
“I love you. This is amazing. This is the greatest moment of my life.”
Kelly finally had to laugh. She felt a little better. “But what am I going to do? You know my mom; I can’t just go to the wedding alone, like a normal person.”
“Uh, normal people don’t go to weddings alone, but whatever. Just find a date.”
“Oh, sure, why didn’t I think of that? I’ll just go out and find a date.”
“It honestly doesn’t have to be that hard, Kel. I promise.”
Maybe for Priya. Priya had a mixed history with men, but getting a date was never the hard part. Men found her attractive: her features were unremarkable, but with her good teeth, abundant dark hair, and long legs, she gave a general impression of youth and prettiness. More than that, she was fearless with guys. She never hesitated to ask them out, and it was rare that they didn’t say yes. She loved meeting new people and would give almost anyone a chance.
But once the date began, things tended to go downhill. The same openness and lack of guile that drew men to her like magnets tended to repel them with the same force. She would reveal off-putting truths about herself on a first date. She was ruthlessly honest about her initial impressions of men’s naked bodies. But as often as Priya failed to get the third or fourth date, she forged ahead. She would laugh it off to Kelly, asking breezily why she should get hung up over one guy, anyway, when there were so many others out there to sample? Kelly noticed that she never seemed to learn anything from her failures, but then again, who was Kelly to give dating advice?
“Getting a date is that hard,” Kelly persisted. “Otherwise I would have done it already.”
“Uh, hello, have you heard of Tinder? We literally have an Amazon for lonely penises.”
“I don’t want a lonely penis,” Kelly said.
“For this, you do. Just sign up for a dating website. You’ll find someone in no time. We live in Man Jose. The odds are good.”
“But the goods are odd,” Kelly mourned. “Maybe there’s just not anyone out there for me. Maybe I’ll be a cat lady, except instead of cats, it’ll be those robotic comfort seals from Japan.” She ate a spoonful of soup. “Actually, that sounds kind of nice.”
“No excuses. There is someone out there for literally everyone. Just keep an open mind. Or …” Kelly dipped a piece of popcorn while Priya paused dramatically. “Come out with me! I’ll help you find a man. I’ll get you a whole freaking Boy Scout troop. But, you know, of grown-ups. There’s this awesome new bar in Menlo Park—”
“I don’t do bars.”
“Come on! The night is still young! Get your heinie over here and I won’t let anyone touch it unless you sign a consent form first.”
“It’s just not my scene, Priya, you know that. Besides, I’m tired. I’m actually falling into bed right now.” Kelly popped another piece of popcorn in her mouth. She could almost feel Priya squinting on the other end to make out the noise.
“You’re not in bed. You’re eating popcorn and tomato soup, aren’t you?”
“Good night, Priya.”
“Imagine how much better that soup would taste if your robust young lover were spooning it between your eager lips.”
“Good night.” Kelly tried not to snort with laughter into her soup as she hung up.
The next day, Kelly was actually glad to be spending her Sunday morning at Gary’s small, stucco house in Santa Clara, babysitting her nieces. She needed a task that kept her mind from drifting to other things. Not that she didn’t have fun spending time with her nieces, but she got it when her brother called these few hours spent running to Costco and to the dermatologist to get his plantar wart frozen off his “me time.” Playing Baby Einstein games with the girls while their father was on hand to swoop in at the first signal of a potty training disaster was a whole different experience than being alone with them for four hours, the only thing standing between them and the kitchen knives. Now Gary was due home any minute and Kelly was exhausted.
“So what piece looks like it could fit with this piece?” she asked Bertie, the oldest by a few minutes, holding up a gray plastic wheel from the top-of-the-line Lego set she had splurged on as her Christmas gift. Bertie rummaged through the pieces spread on the floor and came up with a gray spoke. “Yes!” Kelly beamed, helping her lock the two together. “And what fits with this one?” She offered a red block. Bertie carefully scrutinized the piece, then responded by taking it and placing it calmly in her own mouth.
“No!” Kelly wrested the piece back just as she saw the quickest of the girls hurtling into the next room, naked from the waist down. “Emma? Where are you going?”
She gave chase and emerged into the entryway to see Gary coming through the front door. A Costco box in one arm, he easily scooped Emma up in the other, just in time to keep her from making her grand escape into the street. “Hi, Emma. Nice fashion statement,” he said.
“I swear she was just clothed,” Kelly panted.
“Where are Bertie and Hazel?”
“In the living room. Or at least they were twenty seconds ago, so by now they might be on Jupiter. Do you have any more boxes in the car?”
She accepted the keys Gary tossed at her with some relief as he walked calmly into the living room, bouncing Emma gently on his arm.
As Kelly and Gary put the groceries away, the girls happily comparing the animal crackers from the boxes they had pulled from the Costco boxes with glee, she regaled him with the story of last night’s date with Martin. It was a little easier to laugh at after a decent night’s sleep.
“Mom’s going to kill me,” she sighed, rearranging the produce in the fridge to fit a bulging bag of grapes.
“Eh, just maim, probably,” Gary replied.
“If I show up at that wedding without a date, she’ll lose her mind. She’ll sell me to some other family on the black market.”
“Not sure there are too many couples out there looking to buy twenty-nine-year-old children, but it could happen.”
“Don’t you have any single guy friends you could set me up with?” Kelly pleaded, turning to look at her brother.
“Single guy friends? Kelly, my entire life is spent between preschool, Mommy and Me, and these four walls.” He gestured around the house. “I murmur Nickelodeon theme songs in my sleep. I know the origin story of flipping Caillou. What about any of that makes you think I have single guy friends?” He put a bag of oats in a cabinet then turned