‘You take my breath away.’
Sarah swallowed hard, her hands turned inwards, the palms sweating. ‘Forgive me. I did what I thought was right. I know some ladies might think I was too direct...’
‘A great many men would feel the same. Such revelations would undoubtedly have led to instant dismissal in most households.’
‘I did not intend it to be part of the lesson, it just happened. I realise that convention decrees that these things remain hidden from a young woman—but I think it unfair that girls should marry without the faintest idea of what to expect. In some cases the shock may damage their marriage. Besides, most girls hear it from a servant rather than their mother. John had some garbled version from a stable lad and I thought it best to be open.’
‘Yes, I see that...’ Lord Myers was staring at her. The heat in his eyes seemed to burn her skin. ‘Well, it is over now and perhaps no harm has been done. I would ask you not to indoctrinate your charges with your radical ideas too often, Miss Goodrum.’
‘No, of course not—though I feel Francesca’s mother would have told her the facts of life by now had she lived.’
‘In a rather different way and not in front of her brother, I imagine.’
‘Yes, perhaps that is true. John did not seem surprised or particularly interested. I imagine he’s heard more in the stables than he heard from me.’
‘And that is to be regretted,’ Lord Myers said. ‘The language of the grooms is something most boys learn, but it must be tempered with proper explanation so that he understands what it means to be a gentleman. He must learn where the dividing line comes between taking one’s pleasure and guarding one’s honour and that of a lady.’
‘Yes, of course. It is a good thing that you came here, sir. He very much enjoyed himself this afternoon.’
‘I have decided that in future I shall take over John’s lessons. I do not disagree that Francesca should be prepared for life—and she will be aware of the consequences, as you say—but John needs a firm hand.’
‘I am sorry you feel I have let him down, my lord.’ Sarah’s cheeks were stinging for she felt herself at fault, though in her opinion she’d done nothing to merit such censure.
‘No harm has been done that a few lessons with me cannot put right. We shall continue to have games or other pastimes that we share, Miss Goodrum, but I no longer want John to join you in the mornings.’
‘As you wish, sir.’ Sarah stood stiffly, her hands in front of her. She felt his censure unfair and yet understood his point of view. John did need male guidance and would do better not to gain his knowledge of the world via the stables. ‘May I go now? I should like to write some letters before I change for the evening.’
‘Yes, you may go,’ he said, then, as she walked to the door, ‘Wait a moment, Sarah—I did not wish to censure you. I felt it my duty after what John told me.’
Sarah turned to look back at him. There was no hint of tears in her eyes, though she could feel them inside. ‘You were doing your duty, sir. If I failed in mine, I am sorry.’
She went out and closed the door before he could answer, hearing him curse as she did so. She was feeling subdued as she walked up to her room. Her first day had seemed to go well, but clearly she had made mistakes and aroused Lord Myers’s disapproval—and that hurt. It hurt more than she would have imagined.
What he would think if he knew of her deception she dared not think. No doubt he would believe his opinion of her as some kind of adventuress thoroughly vindicated.
* * *
At dinner that evening Sarah wore her same gown. She had no other evening gown suitable and would not have dared to venture downstairs in it if she had. She had already aroused doubts and suspicions in Lord
Myers’s mind. Next he would be thinking her a courtesan or some such thing. She did her best to seem natural and held her head high, answering any questions that came her way, but keeping her opinions to herself. Even when Lord Myers mentioned the Regent and Francesca asked if it was true that he had been married to Maria Fitzherbert, she refrained from joining the conversation until directly addressed.
‘Well, I think it was very unfair of him if he did,’ Francesca said when Lord Myers merely shrugged and said he didn’t know. ‘What do you think, Sarah?’
‘In any other case I would say it was wrong and that she had a right to be upheld as his wife—but because of the law about royal marriages it may not have been a true one. I do not know the truth of the matter.’
‘If he did not truly marry her, he tricked her into being his mistress.’
‘Francesca.’ Lord Myers glared at Sarah. ‘This is not the right subject for the dinner table. Please refrain from discussing this in mixed company. You may speak to Miss Goodrum in private on the matter if you wish.’
Francesca blushed and Sarah threw Lord Myers an angry glance. He was taking a moral stance that was hardly necessary. Such things were often discussed openly in society, though rarely in mixed company and not before children or innocent girls. He was perhaps thinking of John, for he had decided to mentor him on matters of morality. Now Sarah saw her own fault in being too easy with Francesca and looked down at her plate.
As Francesca would have protested, she reached out to touch her hand. ‘Later, my dear. Lord Myers is right on this occasion.’
He threw a speaking glance at her across the table. Francesca saw it and subsided into silence. She did not speak again until John was sent to bed and they were alone in the drawing room, waiting for Lord Myers to join them.
‘Are you in trouble with Uncle Rupert because of what you told me about love this morning?’
‘Perhaps I should have been more wary—waited to explain until we were alone. John is young and impressionable after all.’
‘Nonsense! He knows far more than I do. We talked about everything when we were alone, but there were things he wouldn’t say. He said it wasn’t fit for a girl’s ears.’
‘Lord Myers is afraid he may have heard things in the stable that may give him the wrong idea about such things. We are to have our lessons alone in future.’
‘That’s so unfair of him. It wasn’t your fault. You are the only person who has ever treated me as a woman—the only one to tell either of us the truth.’
‘A conventional governess would not have done so. She might have given you some information in private—and perhaps it is what I should have done. Well, it is not my decision to bar John from our lessons, but I am sorry if it upsets you. I believe in speaking my mind—but it is not always wise to do so in company, especially at the dinner table.’
‘No, I see that—but it was just us, family...’ Francesca stared at her. ‘Are you crying?’
‘No, of course not.’ Sarah blinked away the wetness that had unaccountably come to her eyes. ‘Do you truly think of me as your family?’
‘You’re the sister I never had.’ Francesca smiled at her. ‘She would have told me the things I needed to know—especially when she was married. It’s silly the way they hide things from unmarried girls, isn’t it? How can we make a sensible choice for a husband if we don’t understand what it means to be married?’
‘Oh, my dear,’ Sarah said and was suddenly amused. ‘You are supposed to enjoy your Season and have fun—and you would normally ask your mama what she felt about the gentleman you liked. She would give you her advice.’
‘Will you be my chaperon when we go to London? Please, Sarah. I would rather it was you than someone I didn’t know.’
‘You hardly know me—though I feel as if I’ve known you always. I doubt if I would be thought suitable. You need someone of more consequence.