‘I don’t understand. Why did she marry him after that?’ Incredulity filled her voice as she once again looked up at him.
‘That is something I have never understood.’ Despite the warmth of her body his mind drifted back in time, to the many occasions when he’d cowered in a corner, hiding from his father’s wrath. ‘When my mother and I left Russia I was ten and I never wanted to go there again. I did all I could to fit in with our new life, to please my new father. It was like being given a new chance.’
‘Why did your mother marry your father if he’d done that?’ It was a question he’d asked himself so many times.
‘Maybe she saw marriage to that brute as her only chance. She was from a well-known family and wouldn’t have wanted to bring such a scandal out into the open.’
Emma moved and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her lips to his forehead. It was strangely comforting to be held by her, to feel her compassion wrapping around him. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘For making you go there again.’
‘Maybe I should have faced my father’s mother when I had the chance, asked her why she helped to hide such horrible things from the world. From the outside we must have appeared a normal family. I want to know if she realises that by doing that she trapped my mother and I with an angry bully. Only his sudden death freed us.’
‘It doesn’t mean we shall be the same,’ she said, homing in on the worry he’d had since the moment she’d arrived in New York with the news of her pregnancy. He wasn’t fit to be a father with a past like that, but that just made him more determined to be a part of his child’s life, to be a better father.
‘How can you say that when you only agreed to marriage for the child’s sake?’ He began to build his barriers back again, using all the ammunition he had to push her away. As he spoke he looked into her eyes and saw the flash of pain within them, but buried it deep inside him.
‘Our child was not conceived through violence,’ she said firmly as she touched his face with the palm of her hand, a gesture he wanted to enjoy, but he couldn’t allow himself that luxury.
‘But it most definitely wasn’t conceived out of love.’ He threw the harsh truth at her and her hand stilled.
‘No, it wasn’t.’ The softness of her voice, mixed with sadness, slashed at him harshly. What the hell had he been thinking of, talking about this with her?
She moved away from him, looking like a hurt and wounded animal, and that strange sensation squeezed his chest again. This was getting far too deep for him and he had to put a stop to it right now.
‘I never want to talk of this again.’ Anger boiled over inside him, threatening to spill out everywhere, turn him into a copy of the man who’d terrified him as a child, and she’d done that to him.
Emma looked up at him and he watched her bare shoulders go back as she sat a little taller, her chin lifting in that sexily defiant way of hers. ‘I understand, and we won’t.’
She understood? How could she understand? He wanted to ask her about her childhood, just what it was in her past that qualified her even to say that, but he couldn’t deal with any more emotion. He needed space, time on his own. He strode from the bedroom as the light of dawn filled the apartment, thankful that she hadn’t attempted to follow or ask anything else.
THE GENUINE CONCERN Nikolai had been showing her all week, taking time out from the office and going sightseeing with her, had definitely brought them closer in many ways. After the disastrous way last weekend had ended she felt a glimmer of hope and the uneasy sensation that she was doing the wrong thing marrying him melted into the background.
Today he’d chosen a trip on the Hudson River to see the Statue of Liberty. He’d hired a private boat and it was so romantic it reinstated the flailing hope. It was a perfect spring day but, even so, the motion of the boat was making her queasy. Just as she had done every day this week, she tried to hide it from him but, as if he’d become tuned into her feelings, he guessed she was unwell.
‘This wasn’t such a good idea,’ he said as he stood behind her and pulled her close against him. She closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of being cared for, being protected. Deep down it was all she’d ever wanted. Love and protection had been so lacking in her childhood it had become the elusive dream. A dream which right at this moment felt tantalisingly close.
‘It’s fine,’ she said as she snuggled closer. The spring wind not yet carrying any warmth didn’t help, but, against the man she was most definitely falling in love with, she really didn’t care about anything. Being here in his arms like this was so right, so natural, she didn’t want anything to spoil it. ‘I just don’t think I can take photos today.’
‘Then don’t.’ He kissed the top of her head and she smiled. Was he falling in love with her too? Could she be on the brink of her happy-ever-after? ‘You should stop working and just enjoy the moment. Photographs can wait.’
‘Can I ask you something?’ She started speaking while watching the buildings of New York become ever taller and more modern as they made their way down the river towards downtown Manhattan. Before he had a chance to reply, she spoke again. ‘Have you ever been in love?’
She needed to ask, needed to know if he’d ever let a woman into his heart before, but the tension in his arms as he held her warned her she’d gone too far.
‘No.’ The sharply spoken word told her more than she needed to know. ‘You know what happened when I was a child. You even told me yourself that you didn’t believe in such nonsense as love.’
‘I didn’t,’ she said softly and swallowed down the disappointment. If his mother had found happiness after such a terrible marriage, then love must exist. Her heart was opening to the idea, but could his?
‘I hope that doesn’t mean you’ve changed your mind.’ The sharpness of his words cut the air around them and she shivered, as if winter had returned.
Her heart went into freefall and she focused hard on the New York skyline, determined not to allow his throwaway comments to hurt her, but the truth was she had changed her mind. She’d changed it because of her deepening feelings for him, feelings that she knew for sure could only be love.
‘Of course I haven’t,’ she said quickly, sensing that to tell him now wouldn’t be sensible. She had to remember why she was here as his fiancée at all. She was carrying his child and he’d made a deal with her, a deal which gave her baby all she’d missed out on as a child, and she wasn’t about to jeopardise that. ‘We are doing this for our child.’
‘And your sister.’ His stern reminder left her in no doubt he considered his offer the deal clincher. It was nothing more than a deal for him, but his next words cut her heart in two, making her feel shallow. ‘Funds for her “dream”, as you called it, were the sealing factor in the deal, were they not?’
He let her go and moved to stand next to her, feigning an interest in the city’s skyline, and she knew she’d got too close to the barriers erected around him, barriers to prevent him from being affected by any kind of sentimental feelings. Deep inside her that newly discovered well of hope dried up. She had thought he might be able to find it in his heart to feel something for her, as she was beginning to for him.
They’d created a child together in a night of passion, a child that would bind them together for evermore, but she wanted more than that. She wanted to be loved and love in return. Every night this week, since they’d returned from their engagement party, the hours of darkness had been filled with passion and her love had grown, but for him it had been nothing more than sex.
She’d let herself down, done the one thing he’d warned her not to do. She wanted more; it hurt to admit it, but she loved him. She tried to