‘I didn’t want to risk hurting them or … or you. You are so small and you are carrying two babies.’
There was a huge lump in Sophia’s throat. She couldn’t deny the truth she could hear in Ash’s voice. She couldn’t argue against such an obviously genuine explanation. But why couldn’t he have told her that before?
‘I’m a woman, Ash. I’m designed by nature to carry your sons safely. And women do have sex when they’re pregnant, you know.’
‘I didn’t want to take any unnecessary risks.’
Yes, she understood his fears. But why couldn’t he have opened up to her and explained what was in his thoughts? He couldn’t because Ash didn’t deal in emotions.
The warmth she had felt when he had explained why he had stayed away from her had turned to the cold chill of a returning fear that was already worrying her, namely that Ash would not be able to relate emotionally to his sons and that he would keep them at a distance, because he no longer knew how to relate emotionally to others.
Ash saw the pain darkening Sophia’s eyes and the sadness shadowing her face. ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ he asked her.
‘I know how much the twins mean to you, Ash, but I’m worried that they’ll never know, because you will never be able to show them or tell them how much they mean to you. I’m afraid that you’ll distance yourself from them in the same way that you distance yourself from me. I know how much that hurts, having a father who doesn’t seem to care. That kind of thing can hurt a child so very badly and make them feel so rejected. A child can’t rationalise that it might just be that a father does care but can’t show those feelings. I want our sons to know the real Ash, the Ash that I knew whilst I was growing up, the kind, understanding, always ready to listen, happy Ash whom I loved so much. I want you to be that Ash for our children, but I’m afraid that they will never know him, because the Ash you feel you have to be now has locked him away and will never let him be free to enjoy his children and to love them.’
Every emotion-filled, spoken-from-the-heart word Sophia offered felt a like a seismic shock deep inside Ash that shook him to the core. He knew with a flash of insight and at the most powerful deepest intense level of himself that Sophia’s words had touched a nerve, set in motion a reaction like the clicking open of a series of locks that had opened doors inside him that showed him an inescapable truth. That truth was that he couldn’t bear to be the man Sophia had just described to him, the man who whilst loving his children could not reach out to them and so left them to feel that he didn’t care, and the husband who wanted and needed his wife so much that he was filled with fear because of those feelings.
‘Sophia!’ Her name broke from his heart and tore at his lungs, his stride towards her to reach her swift and slightly uncoordinated, his breathing unsteady. A fine tremor gripped his body as he held her hands in his own and told her thickly, ‘I promise you that I will be the father you want me to be for our sons, that I will try to be the Ash you remember for them and that they will never, ever have to doubt my love for them.’
‘Oh, Ash.’
‘And as for me not wanting you …’
He was kissing her so sweetly and tenderly, drawing her close to his body so that she could feel for herself his desire for her, that it was impossible for Sophia not to respond.
‘I don’t want to hurt you or the babies,’ Ash was whispering to her in a voice raw with a desire he wasn’t making any attempt to hide.
‘You won’t,’ Sophia assured him. ‘We can be careful and make it slow and sweet, and …’
The violent shudder that racked Ash’s body told her more than any words how much hers had affected him. But when he carried her to the bed and then carefully undressed her to gaze reverentially at her naked body, it was her turn to tremble with the intensity of her emotions.
Had she really thought that Ash might be turned off by the changes in her body? If so he was showing her now just how wrong she had been, with the warmth of the long, slow, deep kiss he was giving her.
All the new sweetness of the lives they had created together and the love she had now discovered for him were in Sophia’s response to Ash. Her lips clung to his, her arms reaching out to hold him, her heart melting with the tide of feeling that swept through her when Ash placed his hand on the rounding shape of her body. There was something so inexpressibly tender and special about such a touch, about the contact between father and child, and the warmth of his caress on her own skin at the same time conveying to her body a sense of care and protection.
But it wasn’t just care and protection she wanted from Ash. Her body ached with a hot but gentle sweetness for him and for his lovemaking. And as though he knew exactly how she felt and exactly what she needed and longed for, it seemed somehow to Sophia that with every touch and caress Ash brought a new and deeper meaning to their lovemaking, as though he wanted to bring a new and a deeper meaning to that lovemaking.
The kisses he placed on her belly, the sweet slowness of his possession of her as he waited for her to reassure him that she wanted that possession, spoke so clearly of a man who genuinely cared not just for the welfare of his children but for her, as well. And when the final moment of her pleasure came it brought with it for Sophia an upsurge of emotional tears. She loved him so much.
Feeling Sophia’s tears dampen his face Ash’s first reaction was one of concern that he had, despite the care he had taken, still managed to hurt her, and the shake of her head which she gave in answer to his question had him demanding urgently, ‘Then what is it?’
‘I’m afraid, Ash,’ Sophia admitted, the intimacy of their entwined bodies, the tenderness of the moment and her love for him overwhelming her natural instinct to conceal her feelings from him. ‘You see, I’ve fallen in love with you all over again, and sometimes I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to cope with that when I know that you don’t want my love.’
Later Ash would remember this second out of time and believe that he had actually physically felt the cracking apart of the wall he had built around his emotions, but right now it was the splashing down of one single tear and then another from his own eyes onto Sophia’s damp face that told him all he needed to know. He, who had never been able to cry for any of his own pain or grief, was weeping now for the pain he had caused Sophia, because he loved her, because her pain was worse for him to bear than his own could ever be, and he was the one who had caused that pain.
‘I do want your love, Sophia,’ he told her. ‘I want it and you more than I have ever or could ever want anything or anyone else in my life. I’ve known that for weeks, although I’ve been trying to deny it. You say that you are afraid. I have been afraid, too, afraid to admit how much you mean to me, so very afraid that I couldn’t even allow myself to admit to that fear. It was easier to pretend that it wasn’t happening. Easier to make rules for you to obey than to risk admitting that no rules on earth can overpower true love. I’ve known what’s been happening to me but I’ve still tried to fight it, to push you away, to punish myself for even thinking about how I feel about you.’
‘You really mean it?’ Sophia asked him tremulously. ‘You really do love me?’
To see his feisty, brave-hearted Sophia so vulnerable because of his cowardice tore at Ash’s heart. ‘Yes. I really do and I really mean it. I intend to spend the rest of my life proving to you just how precious you are to me. You’ll need to help me though, Sophia. I’ll make mistakes, and get things wrong. I’ll need you to show me how to love you and the babies in the way you deserve to be loved. You’ll have to teach me through your own sweet, loving, generous example.’
‘I will. I’ll show you every day, my darling, darling Ash,’ Sophia assured him tenderly as she cupped the side of his face with her hand and kissed him softly.
Tears for her, fallen from the eyes of the man who loved her, had washed the last of the doubt from her heart.
A tiny flutter of movement, followed by another inside