Andres chose that moment to lean over and whisper in her ear, “Zara, it looks like the dance floor is beginning to fill. Would you like to join me for a dance?”
“Yes,” she said, grateful for the chance to escape. She had done something wrong. She supposed she shouldn’t be too surprised. She had no experience with any of this. She was moving through it all blindly, having faith that it would work out because she was enjoying herself. Because she was happy. But of course Tabitha had friends. She was secure in her place. Just because Zara desperately wanted the connection didn’t mean that Tabitha did.
Oh, all of this was so complicated.
She accepted Andres’s hand and led the charge to the dance floor, eager to escape her embarrassment.
Once they were out in the center, she buried her head in his chest as he wrapped his arm around her waist and took hold of her hand, holding her close to his body. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Oh, I think I made a mess of things with Tabitha.”
“Tabitha is difficult to connect with sometimes. She’s quite controlled.”
“She wasn’t so much in this instance. I think it upset her that our relationship is going so well.”
He frowned, and her stomach twisted. She felt as though she’d said something wrong again. What if he didn’t think their relationship was going well?
There were so many uncertainties in all this. Insecurity had never been something she’d had to contend with before. She had been lonely back with the clan, but she had known exactly where she stood. Everyone had positive feelings about her; it was just that a protocol dictated they keep their distance. There was no wondering. People said what they meant; they didn’t play guessing games. With their mouths saying one thing and their eyes clearly communicating another.
“I think she is in a difficult position with Kairos at the moment.”
Zara was relieved to hear that, and she realized that a knot of tension had formed in her stomach that she had scarcely been aware of until it began to loosen. She hadn’t imagined that Andres had anything going on with Tabitha, not really, but she had been worried about it somewhere in the back of her mind until he’d said that. Love was making her slightly crazy. Especially with all the things that were unsaid. That was just how people seemed to do things here. That was how this family seems to do things.
She didn’t understand it.
She would have to, though. She would have to figure all this out somehow. Because she might need only Andres, but he came with a host of issues she would have to negotiate. Loving him meant navigating all this, and so she would. She had not survived a siege on her palace, loss and loneliness, to come out the other side weak and frightened. She had strengths. And she would use them here.
When necessary. Right at this moment, she didn’t need them. Being in his arms didn’t require strength. When she was in his arms, she was able to lean on him. A beautiful thing, since she had never been able to do that growing up. There had been no one for her to lean on. There had been only herself. The two of them would be much stronger. When the winds blew they could stand strong together.
That truth, that belief, was suddenly so strong inside her, burning with so much conviction that she could not hold it in any longer.
“Andres...I need to tell you something.”
“You didn’t stash your dinner in a potted plant, did you?” he asked, his voice full of humor.
“No,” she said, pressing her forehead to his shoulder. “Nothing like that. I just need to tell you...I’m looking forward to becoming your wife tomorrow.”
She felt him stiffen in her arms. “Well, this is a good thing,” he said, “as no matter your feelings on the subject, you will become my wife tomorrow.”
“I know. But I think that you should know that I want to be your wife. I’m happy here with you. I want to be a part of this, part of this family. I want to have your children. I want to be with you.”
He stiffened further, pulling away from her slightly. “What brought this on?” His voice was guarded, his expression shuddered.
“Our time together,” she said, feeling confused. “Things have changed between us. Surely you must see that.”
“We are sleeping together, if that’s what you mean.”
“It’s more than that.”
“Is it? It might be for you, agape, but I can guarantee you that it isn’t for me. I’m a man who has had many lovers, and this is all very run-of-the-mill as far as I’m concerned.”
There was something off about his tone. It didn’t sound like him. It didn’t feel like him. These words didn’t feel real. She knew Andres. Knew the glitter he got in his eye when he was enjoying himself, knew when his smiles were genuine and when they were forced. This was forced. As forced as any one of his fake shows of happiness and ease. He was trying to upset her, and she couldn’t fathom why.
“It’s different. What’s between us,” she insisted, “I know it is. It isn’t just sex.”
His lips curved upward, his expression unkind. “The virgin thinks she knows whether or not this is just sex?”
“As you said, I’m not even almost a virgin anymore.”
He chuckled, the sound flat, bitter. Sharp enough to cut straight through her skin. To pierce her chest. “Yes, I may have said that, but emotionally, you are much closer to a virgin than you are to a siren.”
“Why are you being like this?”
“I’m not being like anything. This is who I am. This is what I am. I was honest with you from the beginning. You know what manner of man I am. The kind of man who would sleep with his brother’s fiancée close enough to his brother’s wedding that it created a need for that brother to marry a woman he barely knew, much less loved.”
“Oh.”
“All that Kairos and Tabitha are going through now? All that strain you see? That pain? That’s on me. They never should have been together. It was never supposed to be the two of them. But I ruined things between Kairos and Francesca. So here we are. Here you are. Because of me.”
“But I... I’m happy to be here. I love you, Andres.”
Given the direction of the conversation, she didn’t know what possessed her to make that admission. And yet she hadn’t been able to keep it inside, not for another moment. She did love him, and she needed him to know it.
Did Andres believe that anyone loved him? She didn’t think he did. More than that, he didn’t love himself. She realized then, with blinding certainty, that he hated himself. That was why he was always telling her how bad he was, why he was always trying to reinforce the fact that he was no good.
He couldn’t love himself, so she would do it for him.
This went beyond destiny. Beyond being a princess. Beyond simply being intended for palace life and a marriage to a prince. This was about being a woman. A woman who loved a man more than anything else.
This wasn’t about running from loneliness or using him to fill a void. This was more than that.
He was more than that.
Had her life been full of love, had she been raised in the palace with her mother and father, she still would have needed him.
He would still have been a missing piece. It wasn’t the palace, the position that was her destiny. It was him.
“I love you,” she repeated.
The second use of the phrase seemed to jar him out of whatever trance he was in. “No.”
“What?”