‘It’s incredible. I can hardly believe you did all this by yourself.’
She at least managed a small smile in response but still avoided his gaze. ‘Do you like the colours?’
‘They’re great.’
‘I wanted something neutral but not wishy-washy. So I chose this mid-tone browny grey, which warms up the room and makes it feel cosy.’ She was talking quickly, moving around the room. ‘I painted it right to the ceiling to give the room height and you’ll see I did the woodwork a paler shade but in the same palette. I think white would have been too stark.’
Ben nodded as she continued, watching her closely.
‘I’ve put a rug down, with touches of blue in it, and I made you a floating shelf in the recess so you can put some of your books on it …’
‘Eva, stop.’
She turned, finally looking at him. ‘What is it?’
‘The room is lovely. Truly, it’s amazing what you’ve done. Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ She looked down, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
‘Can we talk now?’
‘Um, sure.’
‘I want to tell you why I went away.’
‘I’ve said already, you don’t need to.’
‘I do. Please – sit with me.’ He took hold of her hand and gently pulled her down beside him on the sofa, keeping hold of her hand. ‘I went back to my house near London, where I grew up.’
‘I didn’t know you still had another home.’
‘I hadn’t told you about it – but only because it’s something I haven’t wanted to deal with.’ She met his eyes with a quizzical look.
‘After my mother moved into the care home, I didn’t know what to do with the house. After a while I rented it out –’
‘Really, you don’t have to explain …’
‘Please, Eva. Just hear me out. The tenants renting the house moved out so it’s been lying empty. I got a phone call to say the house had been broken into.’ He glanced down at Eva’s hand, took a deep breath.
‘The day I took my mother out of the house for the last time was the hardest day I’ve ever had to go through. I haven’t been back to the house for years – I haven’t been able to face it. But when I got the phone call I knew I had to deal with it. And I knew I could face it because of you.’
A small crease appeared on her forehead. ‘Why because of me?’
‘Because of the way you make me feel – like I could face anything.’
Eva stared at him for a moment then dropped her gaze, letting him continue.
‘When I came here, I wasn’t sure about anything any more. Arriving without Samantha I thought … I thought I’d be devastated. It didn’t take me long to work out what we had wasn’t much – just a mutually convenient relationship. The last thing I expected was to meet someone who could make me feel like you do. At first I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t believe I could fall in love so quickly. But with you, everything feels right. You’re beautiful, caring, and strong – you make me happy. We haven’t known each other long but the time we’ve had together has meant more to me than I’ve ever known with anyone else. I’m so in love with you, Eva.’
Eva’s head was down and Ben couldn’t see her face and after a moment she slipped her hand out of his. She stood up and took a few steps away from him, creating a space between them. With her eyes still lowered to the floor she shook her head slightly.
‘I can’t do this – you and me. It’s too difficult,’ she said eventually.
Ben rose from the sofa and walked over to her. ‘Difficult how?’
‘I’m not saying I don’t have feelings for you because I do. What happened between us has been amazing – the night we had was amazing. But don’t you see? I put myself first and changed things. When Jamie went missing it was because I let my guard down.’
Ben frowned. ‘Bad things happen, Eva. You can’t control everything.’
She shook her head, a strand of hair falling from her clasp. ‘That moment I thought something terrible had happened, I was on my own. I’ve learnt to be self-reliant and I can’t change that now. Maybe I over-reacted when I didn’t know where Jamie was but that’s what you do when you’re alone. It’s down to me. Not anyone else.’
‘Eva, I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you on your own. But I think we have something special –’
‘Maybe we do, but I can’t take that risk. Do you know how frightened I was after Paul died? When I didn’t know where Jamie was I felt that fear again – I won’t put myself in that position again.’
‘How do you think Jamie would feel knowing you sacrificed your own happiness for him?’
She rounded on him, her eyes flashing with anger. ‘Don’t you dare bring him into this!’
Ben stepped back, holding his hands up in surrender. ‘I’m sorry – I would never tell you how to bring up your son.’ He ran a hand through his hair and when he spoke his voice was low and gentle. ‘You do an incredible job, Eva, and I respect that. I was only trying to make the point it’s impossible for you to protect him all the time. Life is full of risks but those risks are how he will learn and make him the man he will become. I’ll never be Jamie’s father but I can care. You and Jamie are a family and it would mean everything to me to be part of that family, Eva. Would you give us that chance – to be a family?’
Ben tensed, waiting for her to say something. She was looking at him and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. She took a breath as if composing herself and gave him a sad smile.
‘I’m sorry, Ben. I … I can’t commit to us. I need things to stay as they are.’ She lifted her hand and tenderly brushed his cheek and then turned and left. Ben stood, fists clenched by his sides, staring at the front door as if willing it to open and for Eva to walk back in.
As he turned, something caught his eye on the mantelpiece that he hadn’t noticed before. Beautifully mounted in a silver gilt frame was a photograph of Ben and his parents on the beach. It must have been taken the year before his dad died, their last family holiday. He hadn’t seen the photo for years but it had been one of the few things he had taken from his mother’s house. Eva must have found it in the box he had given her.
He stood motionless, staring at it. He could hardly bring himself to touch it and when he did, his hand was shaking. Knowing Eva had done this for him just made seeing her walk out a whole lot more difficult. Ben knew he had fallen deeply in love with Eva but hadn’t managed to find a way of telling her without frightening her.
He could see how hard she had worked to get the life she had and the last thing he wanted was to come and mess it up for her. He shook his head in frustration, not knowing how he could carry on living here and not be with her.
Eva sipped a glass of hot water and lemon, reminding herself it was supposed to be good for her. What had that article said? Rejuvenating, cleansing, healing. She definitely needed some of that. She tried not to think of her usual silky-smooth morning coffee. Things that tasted delicious weren’t necessarily good for you she thought savagely, enduring a few more sips before sloshing the rest down the sink. Next was a vitamin pill, anything to try to make her feel better.
Although not usually inclined to spend much time in front of a mirror, this morning Eva had studied her reflection