“He’s not your mama, silly,” the older girl, Sue, said again. “Papa.”
“I’m her uncle.”
“Uncle,” the child said, not missing a beat, pointing at him. “That’s your uncle, Tess.”
“Ubba.”
Three months he’d been trying to coax his niece to call him anything but Mama.
And he hadn’t been able to.
Girls, women, knew these things. They knew by some deep instinct how to deal with babies. How to raise children. What did he know of these things? How could he ever do this job justice?
Really, in the end he just wanted to know he was doing a good enough job, and for one moment Emma had made him feel that way. Made him feel that he didn’t have to be an exquisite baby hairdresser, or nominated for guardian of the year.
In Emma’s eyes in that moment this morning when he had rescued Tess from her fire-breathing dragon, he had felt certainty. His love for the baby was enough.
Or was it? What about moments such as these that his brokenness, his unwillingness to reengage in the risky business of loving others would deprive Tess of?
And he wondered, even if he never gave Emma his e-mail address, just how completely he was going to be able to leave this behind.
Peggy, the smaller of the girls, approached him while they ate.
“Would you like to see my drawing?”
“Uh, okay.”
She handed it to him. A little blobby baby, obviously Tess because of the hair, smiled brightly in front of a Christmas tree.
“That’s very nice,” he said awkwardly. “I like the way you did Tess.”
“It’s before we fixed her hair.” Peggy beamed at him as if he had handed her a golden wand that granted wishes. As if he was enough.
Then he had to admire Sue’s drawing, too. Sue had drawn a picture of a man in a uniform in front of a Christmas tree.
“That’s my dad,” she said.
Something about the way she said it—so proud, so certain her dad could make everything right in her world—made him ache for the moment he had not made right and could never bring back. It made him ache for the moments of fatherhood his brother was never going to have, for the moments Tess was never going to have. His sorrow fell over the moment like a dark cape being thrown over light.
It was light that Emma, with her innate sense of playfulness, her ability to sneak by his defenses with falling mattresses and flying snowballs was bringing to his world.
He got up quickly, without looking at Emma, went outside and back to the soothing balm of hard, physical, mind-engaging labor.
“No Holiday Happenings again tonight,” Emma said, as they finally reached the base of her driveway. They had spent the whole afternoon clearing it. It was now late in the day, the sun low in the sky, a chill creeping back into the air.
She was so aware of Ryder, the pure physical presence of the man, as he stood beside her surveying her driveway where it intersected with the main road. The sun had been shining brilliantly up until a few minutes ago, and he had stripped down to his T-shirt. His arm muscles were taut and pumped from the demands of running that chain saw. She could smell something coming off him, enticing, as crystal-clear and clean as the ice falling off the tree branches and telephone wires.
From the way he’d been dressed when he arrived last night, she had assumed he was a high-powered professional, and he had confirmed that when he had told her he was an architect. But seeing him tackle the mess in her driveway, his strength unflagging, hour after grueling hour, she had been awed by the pure masculine power of the man.
The way he worked told her a whole lot more about him than his job description. Even Tim, whose admiration was hard-won, had looked over at Ryder working and when Emma went by with a load of branches, had embarrassed her by saying, a little too loudly, “That one’s a keeper.”
So she’d said just as loudly, “And what would you keep him for?” But then she’d been sorry, because Tim missed his son, and could have used another man around to help him with his own place, never mind all that he had taken on at hers.
Ryder was leaving as soon as he could. And that was wise. She realized he was right to want to leave. She realized it was in her best interests for him to go. Something was stirring in her that she thought she had put away in a box marked Childish Dreams and Illusions after the devastation of Peter’s fickleness.
Now she stared up the main road. It was as littered with debris, broken boughs and fallen trees as her driveway had been. In the far distance, she listened for the sounds of rescue, chain saws or heavy equipment running, but she heard absolutely nothing.
“I guess Tess and I aren’t going anywhere today,” Ryder said.
She cast a look at his face. He looked resigned, like a soldier who had just been told he had more battles to fight. It wasn’t very flattering.
But the way his gaze went to her lips was, except that he took a deep breath and moved away from her.
Emma watched him go, and despite the fact she was exhausted after the hard day of physical labor, she felt a little tingle of pure awareness that made her feel alive, and as though her life was full of possibilities.
Stop it, she ordered herself. Be despondent! No Holiday Happenings for the second night in a row? And the road closed. For how long? She needed to get that bus ticket to her mother.
It was a disaster! A harbinger of another Christmas disaster.
And yet, despite the fact this year was shaping up about the same way, the road to her inn obviously impassable, something inside her was singing! And it wasn’t wild-child, either, though she had definitely perked up at the way Ryder had looked at her lips moments ago.
No, it was another part of her, singing because of flying snowballs and the way he had looked so awkward and adorable studying the girls’ drawings.
The rational part of her knew that saying good-bye would be the best thing, but how quickly her own life—Holiday Happenings, even her Christmas-day celebrations—were taking a backseat to rationality.
That was her weakness, and it ran in the family. After watching her mother toss her life to the wind every time a new and exciting man blew in, Emma had done the very same thing with Peter! She had tried to make herself over in the image Peter Henderson had approved of.
She had been amazed when Peter—wealthy, handsome, educated, sophisticated—a doctor and her boss, had asked her out. To her, he had been everything she dreamed of—stable, successful, normal, from a stellar family.
Only, it hadn’t been very long before she discovered that keeping up with appearances, which, admittedly, had impressed her at first, was an obsession with him. His shoes had to be a certain make, his ties were imported, his teeth were whitened. Looking good, no matter how he was feeling on the inside, was a full-time job for him.
And it hadn’t taken very long for him to turn his critical eye on her. You’re not going to wear that are you? Or It would have been better, when you met Mrs. Smith, if you said you enjoyed your Christmas charity work instead of telling her that dreadful story about the homeless man.
And Emma had gone overboard trying to please him, worn herself out, lived for the praise and approval that never came.
Despite his pedigree, it had all started to remind her a little bit of her relationship with her mother: she was looking for things the other person never intended to give her.
The truth was that she’d been glad when her grandmother had needed her, glad that she