Sometimes men, even much admired men, were highly impractical. I hoped Thomas’s minions were not given to gossip, or were so afraid of his revenge that they would keep their mouths shut. The page’s mouth had fallen open in distress.
Thomas was holding out his palm.
‘Let it be done.’
‘Let it be done,’ I repeated.
I placed my hand in his, palm to palm, my fingers lightly clasped around his wrist, and his closed around mine as he began to speak.
‘This is my intent. Today I am your husband. If you want me as your husband.’
The birds rustled, a fragile-seeming merlin beginning to preen with intensity, while I repeated the words.
‘This is my intent. Today I am your wife. If you want me as your wife.’
‘You have my love and my loyalty and the protection of my body until death claims me.’
‘You have my love and my loyalty and my duty as your wife, until death claims me.’
‘I am your husband of my own free will.’
‘I am your wife, without duress. So I wish it.’
So speaking our intent, we stood and regarded each other. It was not a marriage I had envisioned. Here was no ceremony, no panoply, no festive celebration. My garments were not the lavish extravagance of a bride and Thomas was dressed starkly in wool and leather, fit for travel. No incense, no choir, so flattering candle flames. Here was no royal union, only a simple statement between a man and a woman. If the hawks heard our vows they were entirely unreceptive.
I sneezed again in the close atmosphere. Not the most romantic of gestures.
‘So it is done.’ Releasing my hand, Thomas signalled with a tilt of his chin to the squire and page who made an exit, leaving us alone. ‘It is legal and binding. Except for the consummation.’
Now was no time for hesitation. ‘Where?’ I asked.
With his shoulder he pushed at an inner door that led into the domain of the falconer, where there was a stool, a coffer, a peg to hold a cloak, and a rough cot.
‘It’s the best I could manage.’
He made a bow worthy of the most elegant of courtiers, then closed the door at my back.
So the falconer’s cot with its musty covers – and some feathers – witnessed the fleeting physical union of a Plantagenet princess and a minor knight from the depths of Lancashire. Hearing tuned for every fall of approaching footstep, I later admitted to not enjoying to any degree the overwhelming passion that I had hoped to experience. Instead it was fast and uncomfortable and undignified. I would not admit to the sharp pain, even though I suspected that Thomas was considerate in his urgency, having all the experience that I lacked. The surroundings were not conducive to lingering kisses, the circumstances not engaging to passion. The falconer’s bed with its disreputable mattress made me aware of fleas and mites rather than the culmination of physical longing. Yet my virginity was gently won by a man who said that he loved me.
It had made me his wife.
We set our clothes to rights, which took little time since few had been removed in this briefest of interludes.
‘When will I see you again?’ I asked.
‘When I have made my fortune.’
‘When will you tell the King?’
‘When he is in the mood to listen. I had hoped immediately.’ Thomas, thoughtful if somewhat inept, was helping me to secure my veil, brow creased in concentration. My firmly plaited hair had barely been disturbed. ‘Unfortunately, as it is he’ll give me short shrift so I’ll not risk a blast of temper.’
I did not argue. Edward was not in the best frame of mind to listen to anything other than finance and war against the bloody French.
Leaving me to make a better fist with my veil, Thomas fastened the buckle of his belt, stooping to collect the sword that had been placed against the wall. ‘Edward admires courage and initiative.’ He shrugged a little. ‘If I earn a reputation for bold resourcefulness, I don’t think he will be slow in giving this marriage his support. And now I must go.’
He kissed me on his way to the door, for that was the truth of it. He was a soldier, with no other means of earning his bread or a reputation. I had known how it would be, but perhaps I had not expected to be abandoned so precipitately almost before I had donned my cloak, with one final word of advice.
‘You are not to speak of this, Joan. It is my place to tell the King, not yours. He may be your cousin, but I’ll not have his wrath turned against you.’ And then, unexpectedly stern: ‘I worship the ground that you tread, little princess.’
As if to prove it, he dropped to one knee, lifting my hem and pressing it to his lips.
‘You do know what they will say, don’t you? That I wed you only because you are the King’s cousin. That I shame my knightly calling.’ His face uplifted to mine was unexpectedly grave, the lines between his brows savagely wrought.
‘I know it. But I know the truth,’ I assured him.
‘I want you for yourself. Never forget that.’
Then while I was recovering from so unexpected a piece of courtliness, Thomas had risen, bowed with his fist against his heart and made his departure.
What was left for me? I climbed to the tower to watch him ride away to join the King’s military force, complete with his armour and weapons and travelling coffer, his page and squire in attendance and a small retinue at his back. I had a husband. I was married to Sir Thomas Holland. I was now Lady Holland. He would go to war and I would return to England with the Queen’s household.
I thought that I might weep at this precipitous loss; it had, after all, been an emotional day. But I did not, for there was no grief in me. An exasperation perhaps, a longing, a momentary flash of panic, like the sun against the metal of Thomas’s helm, but that was short lived. The household within which I lived would remain in ignorance until a better time. I hoped, all things considered, that I was not carrying his child. If so, the consequences would crash over my head sooner than I expected.
I had no desire to be subject to Edward’s wrath.
***
In Philippa’s chapel at Havering-atte-Bower, the beam of sunlight moved, blinding me for a moment with rainbow brilliance, bringing me back to the present. Deciding that it would be better if I were not discovered here – although it would be easy enough to concoct a reason that would not be questioned – I stood, smoothed my skirts – no feathers here – and walked to the door. Where I paused, looking back at the serenity of the Virgin, all the old questions forcing their way into my thoughts to disturb and destroy my certainties.
Why had I defied my mother and the King to marry a lowly household knight, rejecting some puissant marriage that was planned for me? Never had I been asked that one question, except by Will in a fit of pique, not expecting me to explain. Why had I done something so reprehensible, so contrary to my upbringing, treading a path so shocking that it would set the court into a blaze of malicious chattering? I had wed a man with nothing to recommend him other than a handy