Gabby was supportive. Once again she cooked dinner for Juliet’s children on the night Juliet got her diagnosis and she offered to cook for Juliet too, but she couldn’t eat. She couldn’t imagine that she’d ever feel like eating again.
Gabby did what she could but she wasn’t Sam.
She’d offered to stay, had offered to keep Juliet company after the children had been put to bed, but Juliet had said she wanted to be alone.
She’d lied.
What Juliet wanted was Sam.
Sam was her rock. He had got her through her first crisis, her first two crises. She remembered how Sam had been there for her nine years ago and she knew she wouldn’t have managed without him. Who would be her rock now?
Darwin, 1999
Juliet carried the last of the shopping bags into the house. It was a humid, steamy day, typical Darwin dry-season weather, and she could feel the beads of sweat trickling down between her breasts. She unpacked the groceries, putting the things that had to go into the fridge away before deciding to leave the rest until after her swim.
She and Sam had moved directly from wintry Canberra to the tropics of the Northern Territory. It had taken her a while to acclimatise to the tropical Darwin weather but she’d finally learned to slow her pace to suit the climate. Things moved more slowly in the north. It was something the rest of the country always commented on and Juliet could understand why—it was impossible to maintain a hectic schedule in these hot, moist, stupefying temperatures.
They’d lived in Darwin for nearly three years now and because of the city’s transient population they were almost considered locals. Being part of the defence force had made the transition relatively easy. Defence force personnel were accustomed to people coming and going and were generally a sociable, welcoming group of people. They had settled easily into the city. Juliet had completed her Master’s in international law in Canberra and had gone on to complete a diploma in education as well. She was teaching at the law school at the university and through this network and the defence force they had a wide circle of acquaintances.
There was always something happening—a barbeque, a game of tennis, drinks for someone who was leaving or to welcome new arrivals—and Sam and Juliet had an active social life, but what Juliet really loved was when it was just her and Sam, together, their own little unit. They’d moved here as virtual newlyweds and Juliet still cherished the rare occasions when she had Sam to herself. It was an idyllic lifestyle and they existed in a state of euphoria and contentment. Only a few weeks ago, their little bubble had expanded when Juliet had got a positive result on a pregnancy test. She now had everything she’d ever wished for.
She finished putting away the groceries and went to find her bathers. It was an afternoon ritual for her to meet Sam at the swimming pool on the naval base for a late-afternoon swim and a game of tennis or a drink with whoever was around in the officers’ mess. The base was only a five-minute drive from their married quarters and the trip was worth every second in this hot and humid climate.
Juliet found her swimsuit and changed out of her sundress. As she stepped out of her underwear she noticed some spots of blood. Just small spots, but surely that wasn’t normal. Beside her bed was the bible of expectant mothers and, slightly panicked, Juliet grabbed the book, searching for information. What did the book say about spotting? Was there anything in there to reassure her?
Chapter two said some women got spotting in the first month of pregnancy around about the time their period would normally be due. The advice was to rest and see if the bleeding stopped. But Juliet was eleven weeks pregnant. She flipped through the book, frantically searching for more. Chapter seven talked about bleeding in the last few weeks of pregnancy but there was nothing in between. She found nothing that set her mind at ease. Swimming was obviously out of the question if there was bleeding. Rest seemed to be the answer. She lay on her bed and continued scouring her book for any more information as she willed herself to stay calm and relaxed and prayed for the bleeding to stop.
It didn’t.
Calm and relaxed turned into stomach cramps. Juliet was almost too afraid to check but she had to know. She went to the bathroom. The bleeding was heavier and the blood was bright red. That wasn’t good.
She phoned Sam and he was by her side within ten minutes. Fifteen minutes after that he’d whisked her off to the emergency department at the Darwin Hospital and she was being taken into a cubicle for an ultrasound scan. Sam held her hand as the technician started the consult and stayed beside her when the technician went to call for the doctor. Juliet felt her pulse increase its pace with nervousness. She wanted the technician to show her an image of the baby on the screen, not fetch the doctor. She’d read enough of her pregnancy book to know she should be able to see her baby on the monitor. The only thing that kept her from panicking, that prevented her from screaming and yelling and demanding to know what was wrong, was Sam’s calming presence. She knew if he let go of her hand she would lose control. Somehow Sam knew that too and he held his position, comforting her with his solid, dependable presence. Maybe, just maybe, she thought, things would be okay as long as Sam was there.
The female doctor was young, too young to be completely reassuring, but she had a calm and confident manner that helped to put Juliet at ease.
‘How far along are you?’ the doctor asked as she moved the ultrasound over Juliet’s abdomen.
‘Eleven weeks.’
The doctor nodded and then pointed towards the ultrasound monitor. There was a little arrow that moved about the screen as she manipulated the mouse. ‘Can you see that circle?’ she asked. ‘That’s the foetal sac.’
Yes, Juliet thought, that’s better. The doctor will be able to show me my baby. Maybe the technician was just having trouble finding it. But the doctor hadn’t finished.
‘I should be able to see a heartbeat within the sac but there’s nothing there. Your baby hasn’t developed.’ The doctor removed the ultrasound transducer from Juliet’s abdomen and wiped the gel off her stomach. ‘I’m sorry.’
Juliet had no words of reply.
Sam wasn’t quite as stunned. ‘You’re sorry? What do you mean, you’re sorry? We had a positive pregnancy test,’ he said. A frown creased his forehead and Juliet knew he was trying to understand what the doctor was telling them. It wasn’t making much sense to her either.
‘You were pregnant but the pregnancy hasn’t progressed,’ the doctor explained.
‘You’re telling us there’s no baby?’
The doctor nodded.
‘What happened?’ Sam asked.
‘We never really know,’ the doctor replied. ‘It’s impossible to tell at this stage?the foetus just stops developing. One in three babies don’t make it. It’s not uncommon, it’s just that people don’t talk about it much. Give yourself some time to heal and grieve and then you can try again. Most of the time there’s no rhyme or reason for losing a baby, just like there’s no reason to think things will go wrong next time.’
Juliet didn’t say a word. She couldn’t think about the next time, all she could think about was this baby they’d just lost. The doctor had called it a foetus, but it hadn’t been a foetus, not to her. It had been their baby.
Sam took her home and put her to bed and held her while she cried, held her while she mourned their child. He didn’t try to tell her everything would be okay. It was too soon for that and Juliet loved him for being able to feel her loss. He felt it too.
A baby had been the next step in their life together. Juliet doted on her sister’s children. Maggie had married and had had her children at a young age, and while Juliet loved her niece and nephew she’d never had a burning desire to have her own family until she’d met Sam. Everything had changed for her then. She’d found the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and that included the man who she