Cal showed a concerned smile, talking low. “And you’re keeping up with your physical therapy?”
“Yeah, my new physical therapist is great. I’ve started walking on a treadmill and doing my exercises regularly.”
“And what about the post-traumatic stress?”
“I’m dealing with that, too.” In his own way. It didn’t sit well with Matt to meet with shrinks to discuss his survivor’s guilt. So far, he hadn’t told a single soul what happened the day he’d lost one of his crewmen and almost died himself. The horror of the wildfire plagued him, and he couldn’t put his thoughts into words. He couldn’t relive it a second time.
“Good. If you need to talk, my door is always open, Matt. It’ll take time, but I know you can heal both physically and mentally.”
“I appreciate that.” In the daytime, Matt had no problem coping. At night, his dreams haunted him. Jim should still be here, not him. Sometimes Matt woke up screaming, his body covered in sweat. He wondered if he’d ever feel normal again.
Cal paused before returning to his office. “Fire season will start early this year. I’ve scheduled a meeting in two weeks with all the rangers on our forest. Will that give you enough time to present your fire plan to them?”
Matt nodded, knowing Andie would be there. “I’ve already been working on one I think you’ll like. It should streamline communication between all of us, the BLM and local fire authorities, and offer better use of our resources. I’ve also been looking at the contracts each ranger will need in place for equipment and heavy machinery for the fire crews. Next week I’ll start visiting each ranger to solidify the contracts and find out if they have any special needs.”
“Good. I knew you were the right man for this job. Have a nice evening.” Cal clapped his hand on Matt’s shoulder.
Matt smiled, pleased to be doing something right. Funny how he always seemed to excel in his job performance, while his family relationships were a different matter.
Placing the cane in front of him, Matt headed outside to his truck. Clouds the color of gray slate filled the sky, and it had been raining. The drive home took less than ten minutes. You couldn’t get this kind of commute living in a big city.
Inside his dingy studio apartment, he opened the freezer and took out an ice pack. The dismal surroundings needed lamps and pictures on the walls, but Matt didn’t care. He only used his apartment to shower, sleep and perform his leg exercises. He slouched on the Hide-A-Bed sofa and laid the cool pack on his leg. He’d never get used to the chronic pain, although he could endure it. The emptiness in his heart was another issue.
Five days and still no word from Andie. He’d tried to give her some space. To give her time to talk to Davie and make visitation arrangements. Now Matt felt like a caged tiger, eager to see her and Davie again. Filled with fears and doubts. He wanted to take things slow, to give Andie time to adjust to him being back in her life, but he couldn’t help wondering if this was how she’d felt after he’d left and never called her. Now he wondered how he’d lived all that time without hearing her voice every day. He’d put her through so much. How could he have been so unfeeling to her needs? He hadn’t deserved her. But he’d changed so much since then. If only he could show her that he was a better man now. A man who loved her more than he loved life.
He picked up the remote and flipped on the TV, listening absentmindedly to the news. So far they’d had an extra-dry winter with a weak snowpack in the mountains. In the summer, they’d have a heavy fire season as a result. Already he’d started planning the fire school they were scheduled to host in early May to train summer wildfire fighters. He had no doubt they’d need many before summer ended.
After thirty minutes, Matt tossed the ice pack aside. He changed out of his forest service uniform into some sweats and climbed on the treadmill, hoping the exercise might ease the pain in his leg. It didn’t. Even with the special ointment the doctor had given him, the tight skin grafts on his left thigh throbbed unbearably.
“Come on, Cutter,” he spoke aloud to himself. “Just one more mile. You can do this. You don’t need to stop.”
As he forced himself to walk, he gripped the handrails. He briefly considered taking a pain pill, but tossed that idea aside. He didn’t need an addiction to deal with right now on top of everything else.
When he finished walking, Matt guzzled a glass of water. His body shook and he lay down on an exercise mat, going through the stretching exercises his physical therapist had taught him.
“One, two, three.” He counted off the repetitions, pushing himself to do an extra set of each exercise. The pain eased, but persisted. The hope of walking without a cane kept him from giving in.
When he finished, he sat on the couch and gave a mental shout of victory. It’d been agony, but he’d pushed himself through the pain. He was not going to be a cripple the rest of his life.
Before he could stop himself, he reached for the phone and dialed Andie’s number. He’d memorized it, even though he’d never called her yet. It was time they talked.
“Hello,” a man’s voice answered.
Matt tensed, his mind running rampant with confusion. It never occurred to him that Andie might have someone else in her life. Just because they were still married didn’t mean she couldn’t have met and fallen in love with someone else. The thought made him feel strangely territorial. Though he had no right, he didn’t like the idea of another man usurping his place with his wife and son.
“Is Andie there?” He didn’t know who this man was, but he was prepared to fight for his wife.
Oh, please. Please don’t let her have someone else in her life. Not now.
“Sorry, but she’s in the shower.”
Cold dread gripped Matt’s heart. Maybe he’d lost her for good. She deserved to be happy. No matter what, Matt intended to be there for her and Davie, in any way they needed him. But what if Andie wouldn’t forgive him? What if he could never make up for what he’d done?
“Is Davie there?”
A pause. “Yeah, one moment.”
Matt didn’t expect to speak to the boy. He just wanted to know if his son was there, in the same room with another man trying to take his place.
But he didn’t really have a place in Andie’s life anymore. He didn’t have a right to resent another man for loving her the way she deserved to be loved.
The stranger didn’t give Matt a chance to say anything else. An awkward moment ensued while the man called for Davie. Butterflies swarmed in Matt’s stomach as he waited for the sound of his son’s voice.
“Hello.”
Such a grown-up voice. Matt loved this boy already.
“Hi, Davie.”
“Who’s this?”
Matt didn’t expect the heavy breathing from the boy. He’d never been around kids much and wasn’t used to their ways.
“My name’s Matt. You and I met in your mom’s office about a week ago.”
“Yeah, you liked my new Rocketman.”
Matt felt the urge to laugh, the first time in months. “Yes I did. I was calling your mom to find out when I might come over and visit you.”
“You can come over now.”
“I can?”
“Sure. We’re not doing nothing special. Mom’s got lasagna in the oven.”
Homemade lasagna. Andie’s specialty. Nothing better in the world. Matt’s mouth watered at the thought of sitting down to eat dinner with his wife and son. But he wasn’t foolish enough to invite himself without Andie’s say-so.