“An indulgence,” she admitted. “I paid off two of my business bank loans and celebrated with some serious shopping.”
“A car, not shoes?”
“I’m not your typical female.”
“So I noticed. You play football.”
She laughed. “I can hold my own. I’m fast. Tackling would be more of a problem. I lack the body mass to do any damage.”
His gaze never left her face, but she had the oddest sense that he was checking her out. Which was crazy. Josh was acting as a mediator, nothing more. Besides, she wasn’t looking to get involved with Brandon’s uncle.
“Today went well,” he said.
They stood in the dark, Crissy leaning against her car, Josh standing in front of her, his hands in his jeans pockets.
“It did.” She’d been holding emotions at bay for hours and refused to give in to them now. “I was terrified, but it was okay. Brandon’s amazing. Pete and Abbey have done a great job with him. With all the kids. They’re an inspiration.”
“Maybe they started with a good gene pool.”
She shook her head. “I’m not taking any credit for that boy’s personality. I don’t deserve it.”
“Still beating yourself up?”
“Regularly. I do it for exercise.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“Easy to say,” she told him. “Harder to do. I don’t know what to think when I look at him. Is there connection? Should there be? Am I messing with his world? I’m so far out of my comfort zone, I don’t know where to begin.”
“You talked to him,” Josh said. “How did it go?”
“Good. We talked sports mostly. I like him. I never thought about liking or not liking, but I do.”
“Did you want to tell him who you were?”
If the car hadn’t been right behind her, she would have taken a step back. “No. I don’t know that I ever will. It’s too soon. The situation is…complicated.”
Whatever everyone else might say, she still wasn’t sure she deserved to get to know Brandon. Adding to the mix was her desire to not hurt him or his family. The easiest thing would have been to stay away, but for some reason, she’d been unable to do that. Which left her an emotional mess.
Feelings welled up inside of her. She tried to ignore them, but when she had the unexpected and overwhelming urge to throw herself at Josh and ask him to make it all better, she knew it was time to leave. She didn’t have breakdowns and if she was about to start, she would prefer they be in private.
“Thanks again,” she said. “I appreciate your help.”
“I was happy to be here. You have my number. Call me if you want to talk about any of this.”
Exactly what Abbey had said, but somehow Josh’s invitation was inherently more intriguing.
“Okay, I will,” she said, even though she knew she wouldn’t.
Crissy managed to park in her garage and made it all the way to her kitchen before the first tears fell.
“This is stupid,” she said aloud. “I don’t cry.”
She hadn’t in years. So why start now?
Logically she knew there were any number of reasons, the first of which was meeting Brandon. She glanced at the clock on the cable box, then added three hours. It was too late to phone her parents in Florida. Too bad, because she could have used hearing a friendly voice.
She pulled out the bottle of white wine she’d opened the night before and poured herself a glass, then left it on the counter and walked into the room she used as her home office.
Ignoring her computer and the comfy sofa she’d put on the opposite wall, she crossed to the closet in the corner and pulled open the door. Inside were her off-season clothes, several boxes of financial records and a shelf full of clear plastic containers. She pulled off the one that held all her odds and ends from high school and sat on the floor.
The top came off easily. Crissy began digging through prom pictures, yearbooks and hundreds of photos of her with friends. At the bottom, she found an old envelope containing only a few pictures. They were all of her while she was pregnant and there was a single photo of Brandon, right after he’d been born.
She spread the pictures out on the floor and gave in to the tears. She looked so young, she thought as she touched a photo of herself in a hideous pink maternity blouse. Young and scared, yet determined. Determined not to let the consequences of a single night ruin her life.
She knew that’s what she couldn’t forgive. That she’d never agonized over the decision. She’d simply decided to get rid of the “problem” as quickly and easily as possible. That meant finding a nice couple to adopt her baby.
She hadn’t even tried to make it work. Hadn’t considered upsetting her careful plans. What did that say about her? She’d given away her child and for twelve years, hadn’t looked back.
Shouldn’t she have been devastated? Shouldn’t she have worried about him? Wondered? Missed him? There were—
Someone knocked on her front door. Crissy wiped her face and stood. As she walked into the hallway, she pulled the office door shut behind her. She wasn’t expecting anyone and it seemed too late for kids selling candy for school.
She glanced out the peephole in the door and blinked when she saw Josh on her doorstep.
Great. After her meltdown she would look red and blotchy. There was no way to disguise the fact that she’d been crying.
She opened the door and tried to smile. “This is a surprise,” she said. “Is everything all right?”
“That’s my question,” he told her. “I wanted to check on you. How are you doing?”
“Great.”
“Liar. Can I come in?”
She stepped back to let him enter the house, then closed the door behind him.
“Can I get you something?” she asked. “I have an open bottle of wine.”
“Sounds good.”
She went into the kitchen and poured a second glass for Josh, then collected the one she’d ignored earlier and carried both back to the living room.
Josh stood by the fireplace. He took the glass of wine, then looked around. “Nice place.”
“Thanks. It’s kind of big for one person, but I like the high ceilings and the open floor plan.” She pressed her lips together. Chances are Josh wasn’t here to talk about her house.
She motioned to the sofa. “Have a seat.”
When he was settled, she curled up in the corner and faced him. “I’m fine,” she told him.
“That wouldn’t be my professional opinion. Meeting Brandon is a big deal. It makes sense that you have a reaction to all that’s going on.”
“Is that what it is?” she murmured, then put her wine on the coffee table. “I feel guilty. That’s the bottom line in all this. I feel stupid and unworthy. He’s a great kid. I like him. But until recently, I never thought about him as a real person. I don’t even know what I’m upset about. Am I mourning what I never had? But I never wanted it. I don’t know if I want to be part of his world, or even if I should be. I don’t know how to get over the fact that I was lazy.”
“You were young. There’s a difference.”
“There might be a difference,