“If you are a parent, or even just have or know a parent, you will love this book. It’s seriously impossible NOT to. I dare you to try.”
—Jill Smokler, New York Times bestselling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy
“The drawings aren’t very good, Mama.”
—Crappy Boy, age 5
Of course you love being a parent. But sometimes, it just sucks. I know. I’m Amber Dusick and I started my blog Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures because I needed a place to vent about the funny (and frustrating) day-to-day things that happened to me as a parent. Turns out, poop is hilarious! At least when you’re not the one wiping it up.
This book won’t make your frustrating moments any less crappy. But these stories about my Crappy Baby, Crappy Boy and my husband, Crappy Papa, will hopefully make you laugh. Because you’re not alone. And sometimes the crappiest moments make the best memories. Parenting is wonderful! And also, well, you know.
AMBER DUSICK wrote her first blog post at crappypictures.com and, wishing she had photos to illustrate her stories, she drew them-late at night, in the dark, while nursing a baby. The pictures were admittedly crappy, but Dusick’s hilarious take on the crappier side of parenting made Parenting: Illustrated with Crappy Pictures an overnight success. Dusick lives in Los Angeles with her not-at-all-crappy husband, two sons and two cats.
Parenting:
Illustrated with Crappy Pictures
Amber Dusick
To my totally noncrappy family and friends. Thanks for making life so fun.
thank you
CONTENTS
10 The 50 Crappy Laws of Parenting
Here is a picture of us so you can see what we look like:
Meet the Crappy Family
Hi, I’m Crappy Mama. I have two kids. I call them Crappy Boy and Crappy Baby because I draw crappy pictures of them. They aren’t actually crappy. Not usually. I also have a husband, Crappy Papa.
Right now, Crappy Boy is five and Crappy Baby is two, but many of the stories in this book take place when they were younger. When the story takes place a long time ago, I use past tense. Fancy!
Some of you already know me from my blog, CrappyPictures.com. But if you don’t, let me attempt to make a short story even shorter. I started a blog mostly because I was tired and frustrated and happy. I drew some crappy pictures to illustrate the day-to-day things that happen to me as a parent because I didn’t have any photographs. That was it. No agenda. I was just having fun.
What started out as just a little silly thing I did for fun has turned into a big awesome silly thing that I still do for fun. Like writing this book! Welcome!
And please keep reading. I suck at writing these intro thingies. It gets better. Promise.
You know what changed after I had kids? Everything.
Most of the changes were good. Very good. They are wonderful little people whom I adore. And I can’t imagine my life without them.
But I’m not going to begin this book by talking about unconditional love or any of that boring shit.
I’m going to begin by talking about other stuff. Stuff that changed. Stuff like this…
AGING
This is what aging was like before I had kids:
In just one year the only thing that changed was my outfit.
And this is what aging is like after having kids:
Now, I age five years every year.
MY BREASTS
It feels a little premature for me to whip out my breasts. I mean, you are just getting to know me and all. So I’ll keep my clothes on. For now.
This is what my breasts looked like before having kids:
And that was braless. Yes, real. Okay, maybe they weren’t that spectacular, but this is how I fondly remember them. (Fondly. That looks like I wrote fondle. I’m leaving it.)
And this is what my breasts look like after having kids:
Only the most powerful of push-up bras can make them reappear. And I only have one of those. So I reserve it for special occasions.
MY STOMACH
This is what it was like to stuff myself before having kids:
I’d feel like I was going to burst!
And this is what it is like to stuff myself after having kids:
My stomach doesn’t ever feel like it is going to burst. It just stretches and expands.
He then asked me if it was