As he entered his home, he spied Mamie in the doorway to the living room, holding Cody. Watching his son wiggle in his grandmother’s embrace, Ben fought to suppress the laugh. Cody was going to be a handful. Already in the short time his son had lived with him, he was getting into everything he could reach when he crawled and used the furniture to stand up.
“I declare, this boy reminds me of you more each day. He doesn’t like to stay still.” Mamie thrust Cody into Ben’s arms. “We’re gonna be in serious trouble when he starts walking.”
Ben swung him around, his laughter mingling with Cody’s. “But he’s got your stubbornness, Grandma.”
She grinned. “That’s true.”
Ben peeked into the living room. “Where’s Chloe?”
“She went to talk to Grady out back. I think they’re trying to decide when to get married now that you’re okay.”
Ben kissed Cody’s cheek, then held him against his chest, but the eight-month-old started wiggling again. “Okay, little man. You can get down until you get into trouble.”
“Are you going to meet with Zed?”
Ben kept an eye on Cody as he crawled into the living room, heading straight for the coffee table and the few toys on the floor nearby. “Yes. With Cody living with us, I’ve decided to keep Zed in the position of foreman. He’s been here the longest and has a lot of experience.”
“I like that. He started out when your dad first ran the ranch.”
The mention of his father made Ben clamp his teeth together before he said something he’d regret. His father had died a few years ago, but Ben could still hear the disapproval in his voice. Reuben Stillwater had been by the book, disciplined and serious like Grady, whereas Ben had taken after his mother. She’d divorced Dad when Ben was fifteen, and he’d become the focus of his father’s anger. They’d always butted heads, but it had become worse, especially when she’d remarried after Ben turned seventeen. But while Grady had left the ranch to serve his country, Ben had stuck it out, trying to please his dad but never quite succeeding.
“He’d be proud of you, Ben. You’ve run this ranch well and increased the number of cattle we have, as well as the horses you’re training for the rodeo. You even took his place on the Lone Star Cowboy League. Look at the intern program. That was all you.”
“But whatever I did was never enough for him. At least I know how not to be a father.”
“Remember, kids need boundaries, too.”
“But love would have helped.” And in the end his mother had left not only his father but him. She had been too busy having fun with her new husband until finally a skiing accident in the Alps had taken her life.
Grandma Mamie frowned, the wrinkles in her face deepening. “He loved you in his own way. He just wasn’t a demonstrative man.”
He wouldn’t make that mistake with his son. Cody would know Ben loved him. “I need to get to the barn.” Ben peered around his grandmother to make sure Cody was still playing with his toys. Then he clasped Grandma’s arms and kissed her on the cheek. “But I’m glad I always had you, especially after Mom left.” That day would always be carved with regret in his mind.
“I’m not surprised she left.” A touch of bitterness laced Mamie’s voice.
“She hated ranch life. She was happier traveling and having fun with no worries.” And forgetting about her two sons.
“That’s true. When she married your dad, she never thought she would be stuck here all the time. Do you ever want to travel and see the world?”
Ben stepped to the peg and plucked off his cowboy hat. After setting it on his head, he turned toward his grandmother. “No, I love the ranch.”
“It seems to me you have more of your dad in you than you realize, and Grady has more of his mother in him. He’s the one who traveled and saw the world.”
Ben needed this conversation to end. He strode to Cody, picked him up and gave him a hug. His heart swelled as he inhaled his son’s baby scent and heard his giggles. Then he passed Cody to Mamie and headed for the front door.
“Have you read the letter yet?”
“No.”
“Why not? Aren’t you curious what Cody’s mother had to say?”
“We don’t know that for sure.” Alana Peterson. He rolled the name of the woman in the wreck—Cody’s mother—around in his mind.
“Then, why else did she write a letter addressed to you and have all those baby items in her car? Read the letter and find out.”
He opened the door and glanced back at Grandma holding a content Cody. “I’m afraid to read it.”
“You aren’t afraid of anything. You’ll try everything at least once.”
“Not anymore. I’m a father now.” He would not abandon his son like his mother had, or for that matter like his father, who had been there for him physically, but not emotionally. “I know he has you and Grady, but I want Cody and me to have a strong relationship. I want him to know I love him.”
“Your dad loved you.”
“He had a funny way of showing it. I’m not the same man I was the day I found Cody on our doorstep.” And he did have fears, even if he didn’t let on to others. He didn’t want to end up like his father, bitter and alone, or like his mother, rootless and aimless. His examples of being a parent weren’t the best, and he prayed he didn’t end up like one of them.
Ben left the house and headed for the barn, his hand slipping into his pocket where the letter was. Mamie was right. He couldn’t keep putting off reading what Alana had to tell him. He made a detour toward the corral near the barn and watched a stallion prancing around, showing off to the mares in the field nearby.
He leaned back against the railing and slowly removed the letter. He’d made a lot of mistakes in the past, and this short fling with Alana was one of them. He couldn’t continue casually dating, never settling down. His son needed a mother, stability.
He opened the single sheet and read, his teeth grinding together. With a tight throat, Ben stared at Alana’s words written in a neat handwriting.
“I tried being a mother. I just wasn’t any good at it. I just want to have fun. You should understand that and not condemn me. I did some checking. I know your grandmother will help you. I have no one.”
Those sentences jumped out at Ben. How about me? I would have helped if you’d have let me know about Cody.
Ben crushed the paper into a ball, then stuffed it into his front pocket of his jeans. He remembered how he’d been before the accident, and he could see why Alana would say that. He’d always gone into a relationship with a woman knowing it was only temporary and casual. He didn’t want to be responsible for another person’s feelings. He’d already disappointed his father after trying for years to be the son he wanted. His mother, the one parent who he’d thought loved him unconditionally and accepted him for who he was, had left him, rarely contacting him because she was too busy building a new life with a new husband. And now she was dead and he had no chance of having a relationship with her.
He looked at the house, where his son was. He didn’t deserve him, but maybe he could learn to be a good father, give him what he hadn’t had with his own dad.
But not by living the way he had before. That was no life for a child. He needed at the very least a good nanny, or maybe it was time for him to get serious and settle down. Maybe in the future even marry. He had