“You’ll only be here for a while,” she reminded him by repeating his words back to him.
“I know it’s been hard on you, Kins,” Conor said. “We all know it, even though you never complain. And we appreciate everything you’ve done standing in for us, not having us around to share the load with Mom and Hugh...” He shook his head. “But you have to think this through. The Camdens could already know we exist, meaning they’ve opted to pretend they don’t—”
“I never saw any hint that Livi Camden knew we’re related.”
“They could know there’s another family out there somewhere without knowing specifically who we are—do you think nobody missed all that money we’ve ended up with? That nobody ever knew it was paid to cover up a dirty little secret? A dirty little secret they don’t want to put faces and names to, let alone acknowledge? And say they don’t know we exist and you tell them. Can you see that being anything but ugly? They’ll probably call Mom a whore. And they’re the ones with the legitimate pedigree—that makes us the mutts. Is that really how you want us to be thought of? Labeled as less worthy? The Camden bastards? Is that what you want? Because we don’t.”
“They seem like nice people, Conor. Maybe it wouldn’t play out that way,” Kinsey persisted. “And even if you and Declan and Liam don’t want anything to do with the Camdens, that doesn’t mean that I can’t have anything to do with them.”
“It’s opening a can of worms, Kinsey. A huge can of worms. And I’m afraid it wouldn’t have whatever happy ending you’re hoping for. We’re the living proof that this guy was an adulterer—how well can that go over with people who want to believe the best of him?”
“But maybe no matter how it came to be, they might want to know that they have three half brothers and a half sister out in the world. The Camdens are all about family. Maybe their grandmother might like to know she has four more grandchildren...”
“Or not,” Conor said intractably. “Can’t you date or something instead? Think about building a family of your own? Something else?”
“Connecting with other brothers and sisters, our grandmother, isn’t a replacement for marriage and kids. I still want that, too. But I also want the Camdens. A grandmother. Cousins. Siblings.”
“You have brothers,” he said as if she’d forgotten.
“I haven’t been in a room with you or Declan in three years, Conor. It’s been closer to four for Liam.”
“Liam is on an elite team—”
“I know,” Kinsey said, cutting off one brother’s defense of the other. “I understand. But you have to understand where I’m coming from, too—”
“I do,” he said with some resignation, as if he’d been trying not to admit it. “It’s not just what you had to do without our help with Mom and Hugh. Now they’re gone. And if you get a flat tire you can’t call one of your big brothers to fix it.”
“I can change a flat tire and I have road service if my car breaks down, but yes! With you guys doing what you do, I sort of have family in name only—”
“Yeah, I know that’s true,” he conceded. “I know that’s it for you—day in, day out, on your own, nobody to turn to, nobody around to blow off steam to, to ask for help or an opinion or to go to dinner or a movie, no family for holidays or birthdays. Nobody to come if you end up in an emergency room. None of us for anything... Believe me, we hate that.”
“But hating it doesn’t change it. And maybe being part of the Camden family could...” Kinsey said.
Conor grimaced. “Really think about it before you reach out to them, will you? Declan and I will be in the states shortly—plan for that instead. Look forward to that for now. Maybe the three of us can even have Christmas together this year. Liam is out of reach for the time being, but when we have contact again, I’ll talk to him about putting in for leave. Maybe we could all meet at the farm, really talk this through while we pack things up there so you don’t have to do that on your own, too.”
That was so appealing—Christmas back on the farm, all four of them together...
But how many times had she hung her hopes on promises like that and had those promises broken? And even if the promises were kept, it only meant a brief taste of family before it ended and she was on her own once more.
She’d come to accept that that was the way it was with Conor, Declan and Liam, that it wasn’t ever going to be any different. Her brothers were career military. They went where they were ordered to go. And none of them was likely to come out of the service until they were retirees like the colonel. Her brothers would always be far, far away.
But the Camdens—who were also family—weren’t so distant, if only she could get them to open the door to let her in.
“Say you’ll wait at least until the first of the year before you do anything,” Conor prodded when she didn’t respond to his Christmas proposal.
“I can’t,” she said honestly.
A nurse appeared in the screen behind Conor just then to tell him something Kinsey couldn’t hear.
When the nurse left, Conor said to Kinsey, “I have to go. Declan is in some pain and I want to monitor what they’re giving him for it.”
“Sure. Good. Tell him I’m thinking about him and I love him.”
“I will. We love you, too, you know?”
“I know,” Kinsey said. “Love you, too.”
“Think Christmas in Northbridge like when we were kids. And don’t do anything rash.”
Kinsey only nodded at that before they said goodbye.
Then she gave a little prayer of thanks for Declan having come through the surgery and not losing his leg before she went to take a shower.
But even as she took off her pajamas and got under the spray of warm water, her conversation with Conor weighed on her.
What if he was right and the Camdens knew there was another branch on the family tree but didn’t want to acknowledge them?
If that was the case then none of them were likely to look kindly on her forcing the issue.
And even if they had no idea that Mitchum had been a philanderer with a second family, it certainly couldn’t come as good news now. Plus yes, it was possible that there wouldn’t be any love lost for that second family when they did find out.
But the Camdens were her flesh and blood—it always came down to that for Kinsey. And she just couldn’t let go of that now that she knew it. She just couldn’t let go of the hope that they might open a door for her to become one of them.
She recognized that a part of her hope for that might be coming from grief over losing the mother she’d loved dearly and been very close to. But that loss had also opened her eyes to the fact that she didn’t have anyone else left, either.
Being completely overwhelmed with caring for her adoptive father and then her mother for the last two and a half years had made it impossible not to neglect her other relationships.
Friends had found mates and she’d missed meeting those new people in their lives, missed their engagement parties, their bridal showers, their bachelorette parties, their weddings. They’d had babies and she’d missed those showers, too, and then the births, and even a first birthday celebration. Her friends had become enmeshed in their own lives, and Kinsey just hadn’t been able to keep up. So those friendships had gone by the wayside and left no meaningful place for her in any of them.
And now there was the potential to have sisters and brothers, a grandmother, nearby. And that had become important to her.
Not that she didn’t want to find a man