‘Tell me.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You can.’
‘I really can’t.’
‘I hate that,’ Ethan said. ‘I hate it when people go, oh, it doesn’t matter, when clearly it does, and then they say they can’t tell you, and you know that it’s something relevant, except you’re not allowed to know.’
She actually smiled a little when she responded to him. ‘You’re not allowed.’
‘Fine.’ Ethan sulked.
‘If I told you and you ever said anything, I’d have to kill you.’
Ethan couldn’t help but smile but more than that they were sitting down on the sofa together and Penny was, Ethan realised, actually going to reveal. ‘When my mum was bought in in cardiac arrest, it was awful. I mean, just awful. Jasmine was on duty but I managed to keep it from her …’
‘While you worked on your mum?’
‘And I was upset. I mean, really upset.’
‘I would imagine so.’
‘And Jed gave me a cuddle, nothing more. What I didn’t know then was that Jasmine was seeing Jed. Confused?’
‘Not yet.’
‘But Jasmine saw us together, before she knew about Mum, I mean …’
‘And thought you two were together?’ Ethan checked, and Penny nodded. ‘And were you?’
‘Never.’
‘Not a little bit?’ Ethan checked.
‘Not a smudge,’ Penny confirmed. ‘But …’ She just couldn’t bring herself to say it.
‘You liked him?’
‘A bit.’ She was just this ball of guilt. ‘I wasn’t having dirty dreams or anything.’ She went red as she looked at Ethan, because she was having the rudest ones about him. ‘But, yes, I sort of liked him. I don’t remotely in that way now, I mean that, but at the time …’
‘It hurt to find out they were together.’
‘Yes,’ Penny admitted.
‘And now she’s got the baby.’
‘Two.’
‘Penny.’ Ethan was honest too. ‘Can I tell you something?’ He took her hands. ‘I think it’s completely normal to like someone, to fancy them. I like and fancy people all the time, it’s not an issue, even if the two of you …’
‘Nothing happened.’
‘Which makes things a whole lot easier. But …’ he didn’t really see the issue ‘… suppose,’ Ethan said, ‘just suppose Jasmine was single, and given all we’ve done is had one kiss, well, a bit more than that …’
And Penny felt the heat of breath in her nostrils, and it burnt a whole lot more than it had with Jed, except she couldn’t really tell him that when he was trying to prove a point about how inconsequential it was.
‘Okay, bad example.’ Ethan scrambled for other scenarios. ‘Suppose—’
‘I get your point.’ She did. In one fell swoop he’d made her realise just how teeny her feelings for her—unknown at the time—future brother-in-law had been. She thought of Jasmine walking alongside her on the beach, admitting how gorgeous Ethan was, and what a tiny deal it had been then.
‘You’ve done nothing wrong,’ Ethan said. ‘Are you not supposed to like anyone, just in case your sister might?’
‘I guess.’ Penny couldn’t believe how easily a simple conversation had dispersed the complicated into nothing. ‘I don’t want Jed, and I am pleased she’s pregnant.’ She looked at Ethan. ‘It was just all too much that day. Do you ever feel jealous that Kate has a family?’
‘No.’ He was honest. ‘I just can’t imagine ever being settled like that, just one person for the rest of your life. And …’ he gave a shrug ‘… I think we’ve found another phobia of mine.’ He took a deep breath; there was one thing he needed to know. ‘Will you try again?’
‘I don’t know,’ Penny said. ‘Probably. But they like you to wait a couple of months.’
‘You’re thirty-four, Penny,’ Ethan said.
‘Thirty-five,’ Penny said. ‘It’s my birthday.’
He didn’t know what to say.
And clearly neither did Jasmine, because the phone rang then and Penny took it into her bedroom. It was a very short, terse phone call and when it was over Penny looked up at him in the doorway, only this time he came in.
‘Do you ever fight with your sister?’ she asked as he sat with her on the bed and put his arm around her.
‘Not really,’ Ethan said.
‘With anyone?’
‘No.’ He gave her a smile. ‘You.’
But it wasn’t enough for Penny. She wanted him to have done something as terrible as she had, and so he thought for a moment, searched his brain for someone he’d had a huge stand-up row with, just to make her feel better.
‘With Phil.’
‘When?’ Penny frowned.
‘Last year. There was stuff that needed dealing with and Phil wasn’t dealing with it. And I told him so and pretty loudly too.’ Ethan gave her a nudge. ‘So if you feel bad, imagine having a shouting match with someone who has a heart like a balloon about to burst.’
‘But it didn’t.’
‘No, it didn’t. Well, not for another year.’ Ethan shook his head; he wasn’t going to go there.
‘You really loved him, didn’t you?’
‘Yep.’ Ethan nodded. ‘But I’m here about you.’
They were lying on the bed now, more two friends chatting than this being about anything sexual, even as the conversation turned to sex. ‘Have you ever thought about going about it the old-fashioned way?’ Ethan asked. ‘Meet someone, fall in love, live the fairy-tale.’
‘Been there, done that. Well, I thought it was love and we were frantically trying for a baby for a very long time.’
He’d been doing really well, Kate would have been proud of him, but he grimaced a bit then and she noticed.
‘What?’
‘Nothing.’ Ethan shrugged. He just didn’t like the image of her frantically trying with someone else.
‘I’m not very fertile—I’m sub-fertile. Isn’t that the most horrible word? It put a terrible strain on our relationship. It wasn’t just that, though, he was …’ She was about to say it didn’t matter, but Ethan hated it when she did that. ‘Vince was all for the modern working woman, or so he said, yet I was the one who was going to be the stay-home mum.’ Ethan looked at her. ‘I earned more than him, yet it was just assumed that I’d be the one to stop work.’ She saw him frown. ‘What?’ Penny asked again.
‘Why, if you’re doing all you can to have a baby, would you want to work?’
‘I