‘Sure.’
Penny waited till the door was closed and then put her head back in her hands.
Fourteen weeks.
She just sat there, a hormonal jumble of conflict.
She was pleased for her sister.
No, she wasn’t!
She was jealous, jealous, jealous, and now she felt guilty for feeling so jealous, yet she was pleased for her sister too.
Oh, hell!
Penny really had forgotten just how awful the treatment made her feel. It was far worse than feeling premenstrual. The last time had been bad enough but she had gone through it at home, concentrating solely on her appointments.
Trying to work through it was unbearable.
And then she remembered her confrontation with Ethan—the reason she had come to the office in the first place—and reached for her phone and rang the IVF nurse to explain her problem. ‘I’m booked in for ten past eight,’ Penny said. ‘I was wondering if I could come in on the early round. And also if, instead of my appointment, I could have a phone consultation with the specialist.’ There was a bit of a tart pause, which Penny took as a warning. You had to be fully on board, she had been told this on many occasions, and she tried so hard to be.
Except she was also expected to be fully on board at work.
‘There’s a spot at six-twenty a.m.,’ the nurse said, and an already exhausted Penny took it. She headed out of the office and back through to the department to catch up with Ethan and to show him what a team player she could be, but he was stuck with a baby who had suspicious injuries and later interviewing the parents. Oh, well, Penny thought, it would keep for later. He might already have someone else. Of course, Penny got caught up with work of her own and at the end of a very long shift, with a needle to look forward to, Penny wasn’t in the happiest of moods when, just to cap it all off, Gordon came into the department with a huge smile on his face.
‘It’s a boy!’
‘How lovely!’ Penny offered her congratulations and Ethan came over and did the same, and they headed over to the nurses’ station and stood while Gordon sat showing the many, many photos he had taken on his phone of his gorgeous new son.
‘He’s doing really well,’ Gordon enthused. ‘Though they will probably keep him in the nursery for a few days, given that he’s a bit small, but we should get him home soon. Hilary’s a paediatrician after all.’ He gave a tired yawn. ‘It’s been a long day—do you want to join me in celebrating? Hilary is catching up on some sleep. I thought we could go and have a drink before I head back up there.’
‘I’d love to,’ Penny said as her phone alarm buzzed in her pocket to remind her that it was injection time. ‘But I’m afraid that I can’t right now.’ She didn’t dash straight off, though, and looked at a couple more photos. ‘How is Hilary doing?’
‘Really well,’ Gordon said. ‘She’s a bit disappointed, of course, but she’ll soon come round.’
‘Disappointed?’ Penny looked at an image of the tiny but, oh, so healthy baby.
‘She really wanted a girl this time. Which I guess is understandable after three sons.’
‘Didn’t you find out what you were having?’ Ethan asked Gordon, but Penny wasn’t really listening. She could feel the incessant buzz from a phone in her pocket and she needed to go.
‘Congratulations again!’ Penny said to Gordon. ‘But now you’ll have to excuse me. Tell Hilary that I shall come up and visit her soon.’
A bit disappointed.
The words buzzed in Penny’s ears as she walked around her office. She was being hypersensitive, Penny told herself. It was just that it seemed so easy for everyone else at the moment. Maybe if she had three sons she’d be disappointed too at not getting a girl, except she couldn’t imagine it. Worse, she couldn’t imagine having three babies—it was hard enough trying to get one.
And then she thought about the baby that Ethan had been looking after that afternoon and all the social workers and police that had been involved, and it just didn’t seem fair that some people who had babies didn’t even seem to want them.
‘Hi, there.’ Jasmine was waiting for Penny in her office. She had everything set up for the tiny injection that really should only take a minute, except Penny needed to be talked down from the ceiling each and every time. Penny hated the weakness. She’d had hypnosis and even counselling in a bid to overcome it, not that it changed a single thing. Every needle that went into her had her shaking with fear and this evening was no exception. If anything, this evening she was worse.
‘I can’t do this today,’ Penny said as she closed the office door and let out a shaky breath. ‘I’m honestly not just saying it this time, Jasmine. I’m really not up to it.’
‘Penny.’ Jasmine was very patient; she was more than used to this. ‘You know that you can’t miss one injection.’
‘I don’t think I want to do the treatment anymore.’ Penny just said it. ‘I can’t keep going on like this. I’m snapping at everyone, I’m in tears all the time.’
‘The same as you were last time,’ Jasmine said.
‘I was going to ring in sick tomorrow, or ask Mr Dean if I could take annual leave, but now with Gordon’s wife having the baby …’ Penny closed her eyes at the impossibility of it all. ‘I don’t want the injection.’
‘You’re going to finish this course.’
‘And what if it doesn’t work?’
‘Then you’ll have a proper break before you put yourself through this again,’ Jasmine said firmly. ‘It’s no wonder that you’re teary and exhausted. Let’s just get this needle over and done with and then we’ll talk.’
And she would have, except there was a sharp knock on Penny’s door.
‘Penny?’ There was no mistaking Ethan’s low voice, but Penny didn’t answer. She’d forgotten to lock it and when he knocked again, it was so impatient that Penny wouldn’t put it past him to simply walk in.
‘What?’ Penny asked angrily when she opened the door just a fraction.
‘I was wondering if you could change your mind and come out for a drink with Gordon and I. There is no one else around to ask and Rex needs to stay here.’
‘I can’t,’ Penny said. ‘I’ve got the case review to prepare for.’
‘One drink,’ Ethan said. Surely she could manage one quick drink. ‘Come on, Penny, I’m asking for some help here. I’m really not in the mood to go out celebrating tonight and I don’t know how to do the baby talk thing.’
‘Oh, and because I’m a woman, I do?’
‘God, you just don’t let up, do you?’ Ethan snapped. ‘I was just asking for some backup. It would be nice to do the right thing by the guy, the sociable thing. His wife’s just had a baby, it’s right to take him out.’
‘It’s right that the consultant takes him out!’ Penny retorted sharply. ‘I’m not a consultant, which means I get to go home and sign off from this place occasionally, and I’m signing off now. Good night, Ethan!’
Penny closed the door on him and promptly burst into tears. And because Jasmine knew her well, or rather better than anyone else knew Penny, she didn’t try to comfort her at first. Instead, she undid her sister’s skirt as Penny stood there and sobbed. Jasmine looked at her bruised stomach and, finding a suitable spot, swabbed her skin and then stuck in the needle. Penny continued to sob and then,