‘Everything you’re saying points to the fact that you don’t think I’m treating you right, whatever you say to the contrary!’ Luiz glowered at her down-bent head. Was she determined to wreck the evening? he wondered. ‘And yet,’ he carried on with remorseless logic, ‘Can I remind you that when you developed a food bug after that party I took three days off so that I could stay here and look after you?’
‘And I’m really grateful that you did.’ The bug had cleared itself out of her system after twenty-four hours and the rest of the time, she wanted to remind him, they had pretty much spent in bed, making love and leaving the running of the sanctuary to Andy and the other helpers. Luiz had had no qualms in announcing her bout of ill health to them and declaring that she would be off work for at least three days.
‘And I would do it again!’ he stated with an elaborately dismissive gesture designed to imply that he was the sort of big-hearted fellow capable of rising to any occasion. ‘Proof enough of your importance in my life. Believe me when I tell you that mopping a woman’s brow isn’t something I’ve ever made a habit of!’
Holly allowed herself to relax a little because hearing that was reassuring. ‘It’s nice to hear that I’m important to you,’ she said softly. ‘I know you don’t like talking about feelings… I guess a lot of men don’t… so it really means a lot for you to say that. Because you’re really important to me, Luiz.’ She looked across at him with joyous, gleaming eyes. ‘The past year and a half has been amazing. I suppose I’m beginning to wonder what the next step is.’
‘The next step…?’ Luiz felt that his brain was suddenly no longer functioning at its optimum level. His keen mental abilities seemed to have all the agility of a tortoise trudging through treacle.
‘The sanctuary runs so well now that, for the first time in ages, I feel I can actually take time off without worrying that something awful might happen in my absence. The accounts are overflowing; there are always animals being rescued, but there’s also a long list of people waiting to adopt. I’d really like to see where you live, Luiz, see where you work, meet your friends and maybe… maybe even meet your family. You’ve told me so much about them, your sisters, your mum… I’d love to see where they live, and for the first time I really think I could take the time off.’
Her smile was beginning to fade at his lack of response. He looked, frankly, shell-shocked. Was she coming on too strong? She knew about his family, their personalities, but she didn’t know the details of their lives. Were they poor? He had once told her that there was a great deal of poverty in Brazil. Did he think that she would mind?
‘I mean,’ she said hurriedly, back-tracking, ‘We don’t have to just yet. Brazil is an awfully long way away. But I could come down to London… meet some of your friends. I promise not to glaze over if they only want to talk about computers.’
Her voice faltered. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why did he look as though he had been bludgeoned with a sledgehammer? Didn’t he realise that this was the normal progression of a relationship? Of course she knew that, after Clarissa, he had not had any meaningful relationships—in fact, from the sounds of it, he had been something of a womanizer—but they had been going out now for well over a year. Surely he must realise that they just couldn’t keep drifting? She wasn’t getting any younger. Many of her friends were now married; several had started families. Recently, one of the last of her unmarried pals had announced her engagement.
‘I just need to know where we’re heading,’ she said, clearing her throat. ‘I just need a sign of commitment.’
OF COURSE IT was eventually going to come to this. Luiz could scarcely believe that they had arrived at this crossroads without him having foreseen the eventuality and taken the necessary precautions. He had never had any intention of indulging in a long-term relationship. He didn’t do long-term relationships. But it was all too easy to see now how he had grown lazy after that first, momentous fabrication when he had played fast and loose with the truth of his identity. Without the need to defend himself against a possible gold-digger, he had drifted along and taken what was there for his own enjoyment.
Now her clear blue eyes were anxiously scrutinising his face, waiting for him to say something.
‘Why?’ Restless energy was pouring through him in disturbing waves and he raked his fingers through his dark hair, his mind travelling down all the angles the conversation could take and crashing into dead ends at each one of them.
‘What do you mean why?’ Holly asked, bewildered because as far as she was concerned she had raised a perfectly reasonable point. ‘We’ve been going out for quite a while. I think I deserve to know where this is heading.’ She wished he would stop pacing the room. The giddiness was back, accompanied now by slight feelings of nausea.
‘Why does it have to head anywhere?’ He paused to stand in front of her. ‘What we have is good. No, it’s better than good—it’s damn near perfect. Why ruin it with questions about commitment? Why try and box it in and give it a time limit? Who knows what’s around the corner?’
‘I know that,’ Holly persevered. ‘I know there are no guarantees, I know that no one knows what’s round the corner. But that doesn’t mean that I want to continue living in the moment with no thought of the future! I want to know how this is going to progress and I don’t think I’m being unfair, you know, having this conversation with you. Have I told you that Claire is engaged? Remember Claire—the one with the red hair and the gap between her teeth? You met her at the party…’
‘Yes, I remember her.’ Loud, extrovert, with a boyfriend who had trailed timidly behind her, fetching drinks and nibbles and making no effort to restrain his girlfriend. Thinking about it, she now struck Luiz as just the sort of subversive woman who would goad Holly into any manner of rebellious thoughts. ‘Has she been telling you things? Implying that you can’t be happy because there’s no diamond ring on your finger? I’m surprised and disappointed that you would allow someone to dictate to you how you should or shouldn’t feel!’
‘Claire hasn’t said anything of the sort to me!’ Two bright patches of colour had appeared on her cheeks. One simple question; she had just asked him to clarify where they were going as a couple and he couldn’t even bring himself to answer the question directly. Instead, he was happy to imply that she was so stupid and so impressionable that someone else could tell her how she should be feeling!
‘Because your friend is engaged doesn’t mean that you should be, too.’
‘I’m not talking about getting engaged…’ Although, wasn’t it true that ever since their relationship had started she had only seen a future with Luiz in it? She had never daydreamed about a great diamond rock on her finger. But when she thought about the winter coming, and the one after that and the one after that, she had a vision of Luiz right there by her side, helping out as he always did. In her mind, her future was inexorably wrapped up with his and she knew that she had been guilty of assuming that he felt the same way, even if he didn’t exactly vocalise it.
‘Are you happy with me?’ Luiz demanded.
‘Of course I am!’
‘Then what’s the problem?’ He felt like someone swimming upstream against a very strong current and he didn’t care for the sensation. He liked to be in control. It occurred to him that he had distinctly lacked control when he had allowed this relationship to meander through the weeks and months. He had been instantly attracted to her when she had rescued him after his car crash. He had certainly planned on getting her into bed. He had never played with the possibility that a little time out—a few days of harmless pretence, of letting go of the persona he was compelled to be on a daily basis and all the stresses that came with it—would end up lasting over a year.
The thing to do would be to start thinking clearly and regaining some of that