Ironic, considering that the Stand existed so women had a place to hide and be safe while they healed.
“If you need to be here, you are welcome. Always. I don’t ever want you to need to come to us and then change your mind. Or your course of action. But if you need to be here, then we need to be doing something to help you.”
The band around Julie’s chest relaxed a little.
“It helps me just to be here,” she assured the other woman.
Lila waited until their eyes met again. “Those women you were with tonight... Do you think any one of them would choose to be here? If they had a place to go, where they’d be safe and could live a healthy life?”
Thinking of the five women she’d had dinner with in the cafeteria and then wandered to the lounge with—women who all had rooms in cabins on the premises—Julie shook her head.
All of them mourned for the lives they’d lost. For the dreams they’d lost. For the sense of security that had been taken from them. They yearned for real homes. Yearned to be in control of their lives again. And they lived in fear, too.
Julie wasn’t afraid of being attacked again. She had a lovely home that she cherished, a bed of her own that she’d be returning to that night.
“As a staff member, volunteer or not, you are one of us, Julie. And you will be for as long as you choose to share yourself with us. And also as a friend. You’re both things to us.”
Okay, good. No problems. She wanted to breathe easier.
But didn’t.
“I’ve come to suspect that you’re here for a third purpose, too.”
No. No, she wasn’t.
“You’re aware that most state facilities have time limits on the number of weeks a woman can remain in a shelter like ours, right?”
She knew. The Lemonade Stand, as a private facility, didn’t have to adhere to those mandates. They had their own mandates, loosely based on state laws, but they didn’t send away women who were doing everything required of them, who were participating fully in their own recovery, who were making progress but just weren’t ready to leave yet.
“Do you know why the state sets those time limits?”
“Because of the money.” Obviously. “And we mostly adhere to them because we don’t want our residents to start feeling powerless, to lose their sense of self-reliance by relying on us too much.”
“And because if they depend on the Stand to fill an emotional void, a void left by abuse, then they lose their ability to fill that void themselves.”
“You’re telling me not to get too attached to the residents. Not to become personal friends with them because they’re going to move on.” She was well aware of that. And didn’t let herself get too close—even while they were intimately in each other’s personal space as they opened up and shared their most vulnerable secrets.
“I’m telling you that I’m worried you’re using us to fill a void in your life.”
The words had come, in spite of Julie’s attempts to forestall them.
This was what she’d been afraid to hear.
JULIE STOOD UP in Lila’s parlor, wishing she could escape into any of the antique paintings on the walls depicting faraway places. The way she escaped into her own paintings in her home studio. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here tonight...” As she heard her own words, she heard Lila’s earlier ones, too, about not ever wanting Julie to feel that she shouldn’t come to The Lemonade Stand.
Lila wasn’t telling her to leave. But Julie would rather leave than hear what Lila was telling her.
“You can go if you’d like, of course,” Lila said, her voice as calm as always. Her teacup sat untouched on the table between them as she watched Julie. “But I hope you’ll stay, continue our conversation.”
In other words, Lila thought she needed help.
That was what this meeting was about.
Julie was already in regular counseling, with Bloom Larson in town. Chantel had introduced them the previous year when she’d spent time keeping the psychiatrist safe from a threat to her life.
Julie was doing what Bloom called her “personal work”—challenging herself to face the situations that frightened her, dare to live life fully, not to let the bastard who’d stolen her youth have the rest of her life, too. So she had more work to do, and Lila knew full well that these things took time. Maybe even a lifetime.
She met Lila’s gaze again. Then focused briefly on the rose-colored silk fabric of her chair. Confusion had her sinking back into the seat she’d so abruptly vacated.
“Have you told Dr. Larson about all the time you spend here when you aren’t working or socializing with staff?”
Julie shook her head.
“Needing to be in the company of others who are going through some of the same struggles you face, who’ve been indelibly hurt by those they trusted, is normal,” Lila said.
Julie felt better for a moment.
Was something wrong? Or not?
“But I think that, for the most part, you’re beyond that stage,” the director continued. “You’re more like a mentor to these women than you are one of them.”
Right. That was how she’d seen it, too. So...everything was fine?
“Which leads me to suspect, as I mentioned a few minutes ago, that you sometimes come here for another purpose.”
Recognizing the defensiveness that suddenly flared within her, Julie slowed her thoughts. “I’m not sure I understand.”
“Personal intimacy.” Lila said the words softly, almost as though she could diminish their impact. “You’re close to your brother and Chantel, as you should be. They’re your only family, and the three of you are good together...”
Julie nodded. They had to work at it, she and Colin mostly, but they were good together. She with her own wing in the house, he and Chantel with theirs. They all met for breakfast, which Julie prepared every morning. Otherwise they might not see each other for days.
“But besides them, you have...”
A small circle, Julie finished silently when Lila’s voice dropped off. She had acquaintances. What seemed like millions of them. And, yes, those few friends.
“There are a couple of women I consider close,” she said. Her best friend from high school, for one. Jaime, an artist, lived in New York now, but they were still in touch.
“I hope you consider all of us here your friends,” Lila said, finally picking up her cup of tea and sipping. “But I’m not just talking about friends. Look at Sara and Lynn—” full-time counselor and resident nurse at the Stand “—they’re both committed to this place and have personal lives, too. They have spouses and children.”
“You don’t.” Even as she let the words loose, Julie knew they came from her defensiveness. Not the right reason at all.
“I’m fifty-three years old,” Lila said, appearing completely unflappable. “Past my childbearing years.”
“I’m not opposed to having a future,” Julie said slowly, trying her best not to be defensive. Lila wasn’t completely wrong to have concerns. Julie’d had similar conversations with Dr. Larson.
“But you haven’t been