I laughed. “Admit it, you’ve been reading the books I gave Cee?”
Missy guffawed. “Yeah, who knew I’d become so addicted? But honestly, I think despite your outwardly quiet demeanor, there’s a firecracker inside of you just bursting to get out. This will do you good, finding yourself in a place as romantic as Paris. And that man is the perfect match for you.”
I smiled at Missy, unsure of what to say to such thing. It was too soon to even contemplate marriage, but I did wonder about the future. Ridge with his uber drive and ambition to succeed was at odds with my more gentle attitude. I was happy enough to float through life, book in hand, caught up in a fictional world. But was that my problem? The reason sometimes I couldn’t sleep? There were times I worried that I wasn’t trying hard enough to live in the real world. Everyone I knew had a goal, whether it was having children or expanding their businesses. And yet there I was, muddled by it all, so afraid that if I left the familiar I wouldn’t be able to handle it on my own. I’d slept walked safely through life and it was time to wake up, and smell the…croissants.
“Ridge does his own thing, and it’s time for me to find out what I want from life, other than reading, as much as I love it.”
I wasn’t sure if Ridge was completely comfortable in Ashford. He was a New Yorker through and through, and thrived on the hustle and bustle of big city living. He was competitive and determined, speeding from one story to the next. Here, if you rushed anywhere people would think you were being chased by a killer plague of zombies, or something.
“You’ve come a long way from the girl who used to try her hardest to be invisible,” Missy said, softly, remembering the old me, the one I was trying hard to shed. I’d had a range of issues growing up, all linked back to an incident in childhood, that like tumbleweed, rolled along gaining momentum until I was lost inside myself. The fallout from it still echoed. But it’d been these girls who pulled me from the safety of my books, and into the real world despite my protests.
“Ain’t that the truth. We sure are proud o’ you.” CeeCee hefted her bulk from the sofa. “Let me serve these customers ‘fore a protest starts.”
“Good for you. If this is what you want, we support you a hundred percent.” Lil had rolled into the dip in the sofa, in CeeCee’s absence. She righted herself and pulled a cushion onto her lap, rubbing her big pregnant belly absently. In a wistful tone she said, “It’ll be so weird glancing over at the bookshop and seeing someone else there.” Her voice caught.
Missy plucked a tissue from the table and dabbed at her heavily made up eyes. “I haven’t had a crying jag for the longest time, and I’m not gonna start again now. So hear me out, I’m gonna say it real fast…You leaving will be like a piece of our heart is missing, but that’s because we love you. We know you’ll flourish over there. Just don’t stay there forever, OK?”
I gave her a grateful smile and moved to hug her.
“Golly,” Lil said, her eyes shiny with tears. “Pass me a tissue!”
CeeCee trundled back. “Oh, glory be, I leave y’all for one minute and come back to a blubber fest!”
We settled back down, and stared at one another, before bursting into laughter.
“So,” Missy piped up. “When are you leaving?”
I averted my eyes. “In two days.” It was too soon, but maybe that was for the best. Less time to panic I’d made a mistake.
“Two days?” Missy said, her jaw dropping. We’d been best friends for the last decade – I’d miss her fiercely, and her baby Angel, whose first birthday was on Christmas Day.
“I know it’s short notice, but Sophie needs to get away urgently. Manu left her for the girl next door. Can you imagine?” I said. “They’re parading around in front of her, it’s just too horrible to comprehend.” The girls knew all about Sophie, I’d drop her into conversation regularly. To us, her life was exotic and utterly glamorous – a world away from our sleepy town.
“Oh what a pig he is.” Missy said, frowning. “Does Sophie know how small this place is, though?” she asked carefully. “I mean…swapping Paris for Ashford? We love it here, but will she?” In the background the fire crackled and spat, a comforting familiar soundtrack to so many of our conversations.
I toyed with the handle on my mug. “She knows all about Ashford. Her only stipulation was that there weren’t a host of single men lining the streets looking for ‘The One’.”
Our peals of laughter rang out. “Well then,” CeeCee said, her brown face crinkling into a smile. “She’s picked the right town. Single men so sparse around here, it’s a wonder babies are still bein’ made.”
I giggled. While it was such a cliché, a small town with no single men, it was true for Ashford. The younger folk usually moved away to attend college or get jobs in bigger cities, and work here was hard to find. Each year the town population shrank.
Missy put her mug on the coffee table and stood. “I’m going to pretend you’re just going away for the weekend…”
I tried to laugh it off, but it sounded hollow. It would be the toughest thing ever to leave my friends, they were like my security blanket, but the excitement of finally visiting the city I’d coveted for so long brought a fresh wave of butterflies. My eyes flicked to Lil’s belly, as she put a hand to the sofa to ease her way upright. “Lil…” my voice fell away.
“What?” she said, searching my face. “Oh,” seeing the direction of my gaze she looked down at her belly. “Don’t you go getting sad on account of the jellybean…we’ll be Skyping you every other day,” her voice wobbled.
I stepped towards her and placed a hand on the bump, and was rewarded with a little kick. “See?” Lil said. “That’s the jellybean saying it’s OK to go!”
I kept silent, not trusting myself to speak without crying. I’d miss the jellybean’s birth, Lil and Damon’s first wedding anniversary, and baby Angel’s first birthday. Celebrations that meant a lot to me.
***
“Mom, seriously, it’s only Paris. I’m not trekking up the Himalayas, or base jumping in the Grand Canyon. I’m going to another bookshop. I’ll sip French wine, and eat macarons in every color of the rainbow. Wander down avenues where Edith Piaf once sang. I’ll meander around the flea markets near the 18th arrondissement…” I’d grabbed every French travel guide in the bookshop, and soaked up the text, my heart hammering with all the beauty I’d find.
“But, darling. You’ll be all alone. All by yourself.”
“I get it, Mom. You don’t need to emphasize it.” It was hard to listen to the doubt in her voice. She acted as if I wasn’t capable of traveling on my own, like I’d come home dead or something. “I’m sure I’ll make friends, and Ridge can meet me there. And so what if I’m alone? I’ll have more time to see what I want to see.”
“Sarah, it’s a jungle out there. I’m only telling you so you know. Anything can happen to you. You’re not the kind of girl who waltzes off into the sunset…”
A jungle out there. Like I’d get swallowed up whole. “What if you go back to that dark place again, Sarah? You’re doing great here. You’ve got the best group of friends, a busy life…”
“Mom, my life is the opposite of busy. It’s practically on standstill. I’m not going backwards, I’m going forwards. This will surely spur me on. I’m not seven anymore. All that’s in the past, well in the past.”
She clucked her tongue the way mom’s