Or so she thought.
Right up until Bruce had been despatched in a rescue helicopter with a new paramedic crew to accompany him to hospital. Until Sam had spent time trying to offer what comfort she could to the pregnant wife of one of the men still missing and until she had been given a hot meal and drink and directed to sit down and rest near the fire roaring in a concrete barbecue area of the campground that marked the entrance to the caving network.
Alex folded his long legs to sit beside her a few minutes later, balancing a heaped plate of hot casserole and potatoes on his knee.
‘What’s up, Sam?’
The habit of doing anything necessary to live up to the privilege of being Alex Henry’s partner was not something Sam could easily relinquish. She certainly wasn’t going to admit to the sensation that she was standing on the edge of some emotional precipice. Alex was unlikely to be able to understand, let alone sympathise with, such a situation.
Or would he?
‘You look tired,’ he said succinctly. ‘Let’s hope our relief team arrives before they summon us underground again.’
‘Yeah.’ Sam was grateful for a believable reason for any odd vibes she might be emanating. ‘It was a hard one, wasn’t it?’
‘Cool, though.’ Alex spoke between mouthfuls of the savoury meat dish. ‘I wouldn’t mind doing a bit of caving that didn’t have the pressure of being a rescue situation.’
Sam’s smile felt a bit strained. A year ago—even a week ago—she would have encouraged such an interest. Would have felt the same way, in fact, and angled for an opportunity to accompany Alex on a new venture.
‘So?’ Alex couldn’t have satisfied his hunger enough to explain the way his fork hung halfway between his plate and his mouth. The intensity of the glance that came Sam’s way wasn’t diminished by the flickering firelight, and she found it unnerving.
‘“So”, what?’
‘Are you up for it? Shall we see if we can hook up with a caving expedition when we’ve got a few days off?’
‘Maybe.’ Sam pushed a piece of food around her plate, her appetite fading rapidly. What on earth was wrong with her?
She looked up, knowing that distraction would be readily available in the busy scene around them. The numbers of rescue personnel continued to grow steadily. Experts in all sorts of areas had been called in by now, even people from the army who dealt with explosives.
Alex ate in silence for a minute until he had scraped his plate clean. He eyed Sam’s half-eaten meal. ‘You going to finish that?’
‘Nah. I’ve had enough. Here…’ Sam handed him her plate. ‘You have it, Alex. You’re a bottomless pit.’
‘So are you. What’s the matter, Sam? You sick?’
She shook her head, carefully avoiding direct eye contact. ‘Just tired. And I’m worried about Courtney.’
‘The pregnant woman?’
‘Yeah. That’s her over there, sitting in the Red Cross tent.’
‘She looks as though she’s being looked after.’
‘I don’t think hand holding and offering cups of tea are helping much. She’s terribly withdrawn. I tried talking to her after Bruce’s wife went off in the helicopter with him. She’s absolutely distraught. I think she’s convinced herself that Steve is dead.’
‘She could well be right.’
‘She won’t eat or drink anything. She won’t rest. She won’t even talk. That kind of stress can’t be good for the baby.’
‘Let’s keep our fingers crossed for some good news. The first rock-breaking crew must be due out for a break soon. They sent the second team in when we came out with Bruce.’ Alex pushed back a mud-encrusted overall sleeve to look at his watch. ‘They’ll be bringing in the next SERT watch in an hour or so. We might well escape having to go back in.’
‘It’ll be Angus and Tom on the next shift.’
‘Yeah. Gus will enjoy having something different to do.’
‘He’s going a bit hard out these days, isn’t he?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Since Fliss left. I think he’s more miserable than he’s letting on. He’s covering up by giving a hundred and ten per cent of himself at work.’
‘Look who’s talking!’ White teeth gleamed in the firelight as Alex grinned but then his face softened. ‘Giving a hundred and ten per cent is what this job is all about. You know that probably better than any of us, Sam.’
‘Yeah.’ The subtle praise was as warming as the fire but Sam’s response came out as almost a sigh. It fell into a silence that felt as dark as the night pressing in on the edges of the brightly lit rescue base set-up.
Alex cleared his throat. ‘When you asked, down in that tunnel, if it had occurred to me that we were nuts…you were serious, weren’t you?’
He sounded wary, Sam decided, and no wonder. If your job was the most important thing in your life—which it had to be if you were going to cut the mustard as a SERT member—and the partner you depended on started having doubts, the repercussions could be huge.
They did work with other partners sometimes, when illness or injury or holidays interfered with roster placements, but it was never quite the same. Communication could seem awkward. The level of trust just a shade not deep enough. And the combination added a tension it was much better not to have given the type of work they could be required to do.
A curious restraint hung between them now. Sam had always been more than happy to talk to Alex about anything. She had no secrets from someone who was closer to her than any of her brothers even. A ‘best friend with attitude’ was how she’d once described their relationship. How would it affect that relationship if she kept her current emotional state bottled up? Could that, in fact, be more destructive than a confession? Maybe she should test the waters.
‘There are moments,’ Sam admitted cautiously, ‘when I do wonder whether there should be more to life than what we do.’
She could actually feel Alex blink in astonishment. ‘Like what?’
‘Like…relationships.’
Alex sounded smug now. ‘I get my share.’
Sam snorted. ‘True.’ The amusement faded from her tone. ‘They don’t last long, though, do they?’
‘They would if I wanted them to.’
‘Would they?’ Sam tipped her head sideways trying to ease a crick in her neck. ‘Angus was all set to settle down with Fliss, wasn’t he? Do the whole marriage and kids bit. She was the one who decided she couldn’t take the stress of living with what he did for a career, and I can’t blame her.’
Sam looked past the fire to the Red Cross tent where Courtney could be seen, still sitting in a hunched position, her shoulders shaking again as she sobbed. ‘Imagine what it’s like, having someone you love go off to do dangerous things. Being left to wait and worry and wonder if they’re ever coming back.’
‘We’ve got the most amazing job on earth,’ Alex responded firmly. ‘That’s got to be worth a sacrifice or two.’
‘But what about when it stops?’ Sam could hear the warning but ignored it. ‘If we got injured or totally burned out or something? What would we have then?’
But Alex didn’t appear to be listening. He got to his feet in a fluid movement that belied