He didn’t dare look at the other cowboys in the barn, but a muffled cough or two informed him there might be others struggling with sad memories and overwhelming emotions.
Annie finished and her audience clapped loudly. She curtsied, then hurried to Wade and pressed against his legs. He lifted her in his arms. She buried her face against his neck and he held on tight. He never wanted to let her or Joey go. But he’d promised to see they got a good home and he meant to keep his promise. He had nothing to offer them. Even if he did, they deserved far better.
One by one the men left. Daisy led her brothers and sister away. Grady had gone with Eddie. Only Wade, Missy and the children remained.
“I’ll leave you with the children,” she murmured, and slipped away from his side.
For some strange, inexplicable reason he wanted to call her back, but he had no cause. Yes, she’d agreed to help with the children, but how much help did he need to stand with them in a barn stall? So he shrugged and said nothing.
“Where you going?” Annie’s voice rose to a squeak.
Missy stopped and smiled at the child. “I think you and Joey need to be alone with your uncle.”
Annie’s bottom lip quivered and Joey, trying his best to be strong, squeezed Wade’s hand hard enough to send a thread of admiration through his unsettled thoughts. The boy had a good grip for one so young.
“Please don’t go,” Annie begged, and reached out for Missy’s hand.
She looked at Wade, seeking his decision. “No reason you have to run off,” he said, not realizing how unwelcoming his words sounded until they were uttered. “We aren’t staying much longer, anyway.” That didn’t sound much better. Best he just shut his mouth before he made things worse.
“Very well.” Missy straightened and faced him squarely. The flash in her blue-green eyes made him blink. Was she silently trying to tell him something? What? He searched through his scrambled thoughts but could find no clue.
“Is that the end of the Boxing Day event?” Annie asked, about the time the silence between them grew heavy.
He jerked his attention back to the scene before him. The manager lay as if prepared for the baby Jesus. The children watched him, waiting for him to answer, perhaps even to suggest how the day was to proceed. The light from the barn windows formed a glow about Missy’s head. Feathers of her blond hair captured the pale yellow light. Her bright eyes were like beacons in the sky.
“Uncle Wade?” Joey jerked on his arm. “Is that all there is?”
Faint expectation colored the boy’s words. Joey, he’d come to realize, did not allow himself to hope for things, fearing disappointment, or worse, pain, sorrow, loss. How well Wade understood the boy’s caution, but Joey was too young to let life’s uncertainties keep him from enjoying life’s joys.
“I’m sure there’s lots of good things ahead. Let’s go back to the house and see what’s next.” He led them down the alley and held the barn door for them to step out.
Annie grabbed Joey’s hand. “Let’s run.”
Wade followed Missy from the barn. “Wanna run?”
She laughed—a sweet pure sound like a morning bird. “Not today, thanks.”
They fell in step side by side. He matched his stride to hers, content to take his time reaching the house. The children ran and skipped and played tag with each other.
“It’s good to see them enjoying the day,” he offered, hoping she would see he gave them enough to make them happy for the present. If only he could offer them the future. He slammed a door on such thoughts. A man must do what was right. Not necessarily what suited him.
“Children know how to make the most of the moment,” she said, though he detected a hesitation in her voice, as if she didn’t quite believe it. Then she continued, “But I suppose even children can’t ignore the past or the future.”
She stopped, and he did also. He faced her, knowing from the expression on her face he wouldn’t care for what she had to say.
“Wade, why won’t you make a home for these children? It’s obvious they love you and you love them.”
Her words ripped a bleeding path through his heart. She would never understand and he wouldn’t try to explain his reasons, so he simply repeated the words he’d said to himself seconds before. “A man must do what is right. Not necessarily what suits him. I promised their mother I would see they got a good home and I intend to do just that.” Wade turned to stare ahead, seeing nothing but the agony of his own regrets and failures. If only he was a better man, one who could take care of those who depended on him.
His heart hurt so bad he thought it might bleed out through his pores.
Missy caught his arm, sending a jolt through him. “You could give them a good home.”
He shook his head and refused to look at her, instead focusing his attention on the spot where her hand touched his arm. He drew in a deep breath. “I can’t.” He would say no more. “But I promised them we’d celebrate Christmas.” That gave him an idea. “You must have done something special as a family the day after Christmas.”
Her fingers pressed into his arm as if a spasm had passed through them. She blinked and then her eyes widened. “We did but I’d forgotten. How could I?” Her gaze bored into him as if searching for the reason. “I was thirteen when my parents died. Old enough to remember all the things we’d done, yet somehow, I’ve forgotten much of it.” Her eyes fairly danced and pleasure filled her face. She laughed low in her throat. “Mama had us write down all the good things from the past and a prayer for the New Year.” Her expression flattened. “I don’t suppose that would be a good activity for Annie and Joey.”
Wanting to bring the joy back to her eyes, Wade said, “Why not? Might be fun.”
She nodded slowly. “I always enjoyed it. Sometimes we did a play, too.”
“Did you write them?” He could almost picture her enthusiasm as she made up a story and acted it out with her siblings. Then he remembered. “Did you only have the one sibling?”
She nodded. “Just Gordie.” Sorrow laced the words and somehow, without planning it, Wade had captured her hands and held them between his own, trying to warm them even though it was only moderately cold out.
“It hurts to lose a brother.”
The smile she gave him trembled. “Or a sister.”
Their gazes locked as they silently offered understanding and sympathy. And found comfort. At least he did. He could only wish he successfully gave it to her as well, but had he? He’d thought he gave Tomasina what she needed, but he’d failed.
He dropped Missy’s hands. “How about we follow your suggestion after lunch?”
“Okay.” She tucked her hands into her sleeves, hiding them completely.
They continued on their way up the hill, watching as the children scampered into the house. When they finally reached the threshold, Missy stepped across and Wade began to close the door.
“Aren’t you coming in?” she asked, stopping him.
“I’m going to help with the chores.” He shut the door between them and remained motionless as he tried to put his feelings into perspective.
He could deal with this upcoming goodbye better if Missy Porter didn’t continually suggest with words and looks that he was somehow failing the children.
She had no idea how badly a man could fail.
* * *
Missy stared at the door. Then she shrugged. He had every right to leave