I draw my knees up and wrap my arms around my legs. I am making myself small. This conversation is rolling around inside my chest like a marble in a tin can. “Well, that’s easy for you to say—now. But trust me, things do feel different after you sleep with someone.”
Levi throws his hands up in surrender. “That’s what you’ve got to say to me after what I just said? You think it’s cool to be casually rude? Are you trying to pick a fight?”
I actually don’t want to pick a fight at all, but his speech was somehow both totally emotional and entirely logical. He might be right. And I don’t want him to be right. Still, I tell him no, but I can hear my voice becoming harried. “It’s just that if you and I had sex right now, you wouldn’t want me dealing with Ezra. Right? You wouldn’t want me touching him or holding him.” The whole time I don’t let go of my legs. I’m like a little khaki blob on the floor.
“Of course I wouldn’t, but the difference is, I never would have had sex with you in the first place. Don’t you get that? I wouldn’t do that with you until I knew a hundred percent that it was you and me and no one else. I’m a Citadel. I know how to be patient. I understand the benefits of waiting it out. We both know that your aim is pretty much useless when you’re trying to lock in on a moving target.”
I sigh and bring my head up. “I don’t even know if I made a mistake. Was I not supposed to get involved with Ezra? Was I not supposed to try to deprogram you in the field? Because neither one of those things felt like choices.”
Levi sighs, almost sadly. “I’m not saying that,” he assures me. “I know why you slept with him.”
This ought to be good, I think to myself. “Oh yeah? Why is that?”
“Because you could. Because you had a choice. For the first time, in years, you got a say in what you wanted to do with your own body.” Levi wipes his palm over his face. “I get it, because I want that power, too.”
Levi isn’t wrong, but he isn’t completely right, either. I had sex with Ezra, yes, because I could, but also because I wanted to. Because I care about him. Because I found him sexy and attractive and wanted to feel him as close to me as possible …
I push what feels like a literal swamp of emotions aside. They are sticky, murky things. I don’t need to wade through them right now. Right now, I am looking at a boy who can’t do what he wants, and I hate it. It’s not fair. Levi doesn’t get a say. He can’t own his body the way that I can own mine, and the weight of those bonds is suffocating him.
“You should take some red pills,” I tell him gently. “We should get your Blood Lust under control as soon as possible, especially here.” I give him a wide grin. “There’re a lot of really pretty girls here.”
Levi looks up, but he does not return my smile. He opens his mouth to say something and then he closes it again with a brief shake of his head. “Ryn, I …”
“Don’t, okay?” I push the words out of my mouth in a whisper. “The timing sucks. But the timing always sucks. Let’s just do this. I want to be free of it. Don’t you?”
Levi looks at me as though I’ve slapped him.
“I don’t mean free of you,” I say. “I don’t mean that. I mean, I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything and I want to stop feeling like I need to fix you. I want things equal between us, normal, whatever that looks like.”
Levi doesn’t say anything, but he nods his head slowly. He gets up and I hear him rustling through his pack. I listen to the slow zipping of his uniform being peeled away. I keep my eyes on the floor.
We go for a full fifteen minutes without saying anything. I close all the windows but one with a sweep of my hand. Levi puts some music on by an artist I don’t recognize. When he is certain the pills are taking effect, he finally walks over to me. He is wearing sweatpants and nothing else because for some reason, he seems to have an aversion to shirts. Or maybe he knows what he looks like shirtless. It’s probably that.
He stands close. He stands so close it feels like he’s doing my breathing for me. His eyes are green. A color I never wear, he’s right about that. Green clothes feel like work. Levi’s eyes are the color of a faded book cover. They are the same shade as my mother’s rain boots. I notice that in his irises there are lightning bolt streaks of brown and yellow.
Ever so slowly he brings his hand to my face. He traces my eyebrow and cheekbone with his thumb. I want to tell him to stop. This is not how the deprogramming should work. Deprogramming is not about sex. Deprogramming is about feeling safe when someone you find attractive touches you. It’s more about recapturing a feeling of childhood security than hormones. I want to say these things to him, but it’s almost as if those green eyes of his have me in some kind a constrictor knot, one that gets tighter the more you try to get loose.
Levi’s hand moves into my hair and he balls it in his fist. It shouldn’t be like this. We should be watching animated films and listening to lullabies. He should be eating his favorite foods as I read a book out loud while we hold hands, but I suppose we’ve already done some of that stuff. Maybe there aren’t any rules to this. Maybe the way I deprogrammed won’t necessarily work for him. Levi is a superintense person. It’s hardly surprising his process would be intense too. When he takes a step closer, I feel a twinge of guilt.
Ezra.
I just had sex with Ezra two days ago. Then I shake that thought away. I’m not Ezra’s girlfriend anymore for this very reason. So what if I was with another guy a couple days ago? I could sleep with a hundred guys and it wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make me a bad person, despite what good girls are “supposed” to do. I’m a loyal friend. I’ve literally taken a bullet for someone on more than one occasion. I keep this awful secret so my parents aren’t destroyed. I am trying to save the world.
I am a good girl.
But I am not the same girl who left Battle Ground.
Levi’s mouth hovers at my face and then he plunges it into my neck, breathing me in. I feel his lips brush against my ear. He had told me before that I smelled safe. Smell can be a visceral sense, so I hope that this is his way of taking additional precautions. But when he brings his head up, he doesn’t waste any more time with safe. He kisses me deeply, intently. I probably shouldn’t be comparing them, but I can’t help it. Ezra’s kisses were sweet and light and good. Levi is all fire. Levi kisses me like a drowning man clinging to a capsized boat.
I stop thinking about Ezra.
We continue to kiss, our tongues snaking in and out of each other’s mouths. He picks me up in one fell swoop with a single hand and in the crook of his elbow carries me to the bed. For a moment, everything is perfect as he props me on top of the thick duvet. My hands are wrapped around his neck and his fingers are holding on to the sides of my face. And then.
And then …
Those green eyes change. They narrow and glare. Levi’s accelerated pulse begins to get even faster. The Blood Lust. It’s kicked in. I go perfectly still. I bow my head. I try. I try so hard to disappear in that moment, but there’s no point. He’s been triggered and I really thought that maybe we were past this. In truth, I’m more disappointed than I am scared. Still. If he kills me, I’m not sure how that would go down with the Faida. He could even be tried for murder. Citadels in Battle Ground are protected from stuff like that, but here? I have no idea. Levi yanks me up. He snarls in my face as he digs his fingers into my shoulders.