“I’d rather see my room first, if you don’t mind, dear,” said Patsy in a brisk voice. “And perhaps someone would show me where I can wash my hands. You wouldn’t believe the state of those trains.” And she said it as if the state of Britain’s trains was our fault!
Andy carried Patsy’s stuff up to the spare room. Patsy followed stiffly in her gorgeous clothes.
What’s her problem, I thought.
Without looking at me, Mum crossed the hall and moved a harmless little vase for absolutely no reason. “Erm, did you put out those guest towels like I asked you?” she said. She sounded really uptight.
I was getting that churning feeling. The one I get when Mum’s stressing about something and I don’t know what to do about it.
“Mum,” I whispered. “Is Patsy going to be staying here all week? You know, until the wedding?”
Mum looked shocked. “Where else would she stay? She is Andy’s mother. It’s really good of her to offer to lend us a hand.”
“Mmn,” I said in a neutral kind of voice. But what I was thinking was EEK! I’d rather win a night out with Darth Maul!!
Anyway, I won’t go into too many lurid details about our first day with Andy’s mum. All you need to know is that it was deeply depressing.
Patsy was the kind of person who has strong views on everything. Pop music, TV soaps, dog poo, you name it. And once she got started she just kept on and on, battering away at Mum like a bulldozer. And Mum just sat there, smiling bravely, and totally letting herself be bulldozed!
I kept expecting Andy to tell his mum where to get off, but it was like he didn’t even notice! And all at once these scary new thoughts came slithering into my mind like poisonous snakes. Like, what if Andy didn’t really love us after all?
I felt like I was seeing a totally different side of my almost-step-dad. I got the definite feeling that if you asked Andy to choose between us and his sour-puss mother, he’d root for her every time.
After lunch, I escaped into the kitchen to make tea for everyone. And can you believe Patsy had the nerve to follow me!
“No, no dear,” she said impatiently. “You’ve put enough water in that kettle to sink the Titanic. Do you think your stepfather’s made of money?”
That was the last straw. And the minute Patsy left the kitchen, I made a sneaky phone call to Rosie.
“Can I come over?” I hissed. “It’s an emergency.”
“Sure,” she said. “I’ll tell the others.”
I popped my head round the living-room door. “Erm, I’ve just remembered I was meant to meet up with my friends today,” I fibbed. “I won’t be long. See you later everyone.” Then I grabbed my jacket and slammed out of the house.
I stormed along, getting to Rosie’s house in record time.
Luckily Rosie let me in and we went straight up to her room, so I didn’t even have to be polite to her mum or anything.
I paced up and down Rosie’s bedroom until the others turned up, and then I just splurted out the whole story.
“Since I walked under that ladder, everything’s fallen apart,” I ranted. “Mum’s gone totally wobbly. Andy’s mother is this like, nightmare person! And Andy’s not even trying to stop her.”
Kenny rolled her eyes. “I already told you how to cancel the ladder spell. You were meant to get cracking on those somethings today.”
“How could I? I haven’t had a minute to myself,” I fumed. “How was I supposed to know Patsy Proudlove was coming? No-one ever tells me anything!”
Lyndz grinned. “You make Andy’s Mum sound like one of those huge thingummies!”
We stared at her.
“You know,” she said. “The things that flatten towns and stir up tidal waves.”
“What, like a hurricane?” asked Kenny.
Lyndz nodded, her eyes glinting wickedly. The others cracked up.
“Yikes! Hurricane Patsy’s coming. Everyone down into the cellar!” cackled Frankie.
But I couldn’t even raise a smile. “It’s so unfair,” I moaned. “She’s spoiling everything. And Mum’s just letting her.” I slumped to the floor. “And I STILL don’t know what to get them for a wedding present.”
“Well, we can’t do much about Hurricane Patsy, but we could give you some prezzie ideas,” suggested Rosie. “That might take some of the pressure off.”
“Thanks, Rosie Posie,” I croaked. “That would be great.”
Rosie tore some pages out of a notebook and handed them round, along with various-sized bits of pencil.
“The thing is, it’s got to be really unusual,” I explained. “But it can’t cost too much. And it can’t be something they’ve got already.”
Honestly, my friends are so sweet! They came up with masses of things, from parrots to peg bags. Actually, I was really into the parrot idea until Kenny pointed out that they cost thousands of pounds.
“Plus they poo everywhere from a great height,” giggled Lyndz. “I don’t think Fliss’s mum would be too happy about that.”
“It was just an idea,” said Frankie huffily. “Fliss said she wanted something unusual.”
“Parrot poo is unusual all right,” spluttered Lyndz.
And you can guess what happened then, can’t you? Yep, Lyndz had one of her famous hiccup attacks.
By the time she’d recovered, I wasn’t just confused. I also felt guilty. My friends were knocking themselves out trying to cheer me up. So why was I still so depressed?
Finally we all went downstairs and Rosie made us drinks. She wanted us to try her new craze – something called a smoothy. Basically, you put fruit and natural yoghurt in the blender and whizz it till it’s (surprise surprise) SMOOTH!
This time, Rosie whizzed raspberries, bananas and mango with yoghurt, and it was totally velvety and delicious.
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