LADY CAROLINE: I believe I am usually right.
MRS. ALLONBY: Horrid word ‘health.’
LORD ILLINGWORTH: Silliest word in our language, and one knows so well the popular idea of health. The English country gentleman galloping after a fox – the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
KELVIL: May I ask, Lord Illingworth, if you regard the House of Lords as a better institution than the House of Commons?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: A much better institution, of course. We in the House of Lords are never in touch with public opinion. That makes us a civilised body.
KELVIL: Are you serious in putting forward such a view?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: Quite serious, Mr. Kelvil. (To MRS. ALLONBY): Vulgar habit that is people have nowadays of asking one, after one has given them an idea, whether one is serious or not. Nothing is serious except passion. The intellect is not a serious thing, and never has been. It is an instrument on which one plays, that is all. The only serious form of intellect I know is the British intellect. And on the British intellect the illiterates play the drum.
LADY HUNSTANTON: What are you saying, Lord Illingworth, about the drum?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: I was merely talking to Mrs. Allonby about the leading articles in the London newspapers.
LADY HUNSTANTON: But do you believe all that is written in the newspapers?
LORD ILLINGWORTH: I do. Nowadays it is only the unreadable that occurs. (Rises with MRS. ALLONBY.)
LADY HUNSTANTON: Are you going, Mrs. Allonby?
MRS. ALLONBY: Just as far as the conservatory. Lord Illingworth told me this morning that there was an orchid there as beautiful as the seven deadly sins.
LADY HUNSTANTON: My dear, I hope there is nothing of the kind. I will certainly speak to the gardener.
Exit MRS. ALLONBY and LORD ILLINGWORTH.
LADY CAROLINE: Remarkable type, Mrs. Allonby.
LADY HUNSTANTON: She lets her clever tongue run away with her sometimes.
LADY CAROLINE: Is that the only thing, Jane, Mrs. Allonby allows to run away with her?
LADY HUNSTANTON: I hope so, Caroline, I am sure.
Enter LORD ALFRED.
Dear Lord Alfred, do join us.
LORD ALFRED sits down beside LADY STUTFIELD.
LADY CAROLINE: You believe good of every one, Jane. It is a great fault.
LADY STUTFIELD: Do you really, really think, Lady Caroline, that one should believe evil of every one?
LADY CAROLINE: I think it is much safer to do so, Lady Stutfield. Until, of course, people are found out to be good. But that requires a great deal of investigation nowadays.
LADY STUTFIELD: But there is so much unkind scandal in modern life.
LADY CAROLINE: Lord Illingworth remarked to me last night at dinner that the basis of every scandal is an absolutely immoral certainty.
KELVIL: Lord Illingworth is, of course, a very brilliant man, but he seems to me to be lacking in that fine faith in the nobility and purity of life which is so important in this century.
LADY STUTFIELD: Yes, quite, quite important, is it not?
KELVIL: He gives me the impression of a man who does not appreciate the beauty of our English home-life. I would say that he was tainted with foreign ideas on the subject.
LADY STUTFIELD: There is nothing, nothing like the beauty of home-life, is there?
KELVIL: It is the mainstay of our moral system in England, Lady Stutfield. Without it we would become like our neighbours.
LADY STUTFIELD: That would be so, so sad, would it not?
KELVIL: I am afraid, too, that Lord Illingworth regards woman simply as a toy. Now, I have never regarded woman as a toy. Woman is the intellectual helpmeet of man in public as in private life. Without her we should forget the true ideals. (Sits down beside LADY STUTFIELD.)
LADY STUTFIELD: I am so very, very glad to hear you say that.
LADY CAROLINE: You are a married man, Mr. Kettle?
SIR JOHN: Kelvil, dear, Kelvil.
KELVIL: I am married, Lady Caroline.
LADY CAROLINE: Family?
KELVIL: Yes.
LADY CAROLINE: How many?
KELVIL: Eight.
LADY STUTFIELD turns her attention to LORD ALFRED.
LADY CAROLINE: Mrs. Kettle and the children are, I suppose, at the seaside?
SIR JOHN shrugs his shoulders.
KELVIL: My wife is at the seaside with the children, Lady Caroline.
LADY CAROLINE: You will join them later on, no doubt?
KELVIL: If my public engagements permit me.
LADY CAROLINE: Your public life must be a great source of gratification to Mrs. Kettle.
SIR JOHN: Kelvil, my love, Kelvil.
LADY STUTFIELD (to LORD ALFRED): How very, very charming those gold-tipped cigarettes of yours are, Lord Alfred.
LORD ALFRED: They are awfully expensive. I can only afford them when I’m in debt.
LADY STUTFIELD: It must be terribly, terribly distressing to be in debt.
LORD ALFRED: One must have some occupation nowadays. If I hadn’t my debts I shouldn’t have anything to think about. All the chaps I know are in debt.
LADY STUTFIELD: But don’t the people to whom you owe the money give you a great, great deal of annoyance?
Enter Footman.
LORD ALFRED: Oh, no, they write; I don’t.
LADY STUTFIELD: How very, very strange.
LADY HUNSTANTON: Ah, here is a letter, Caroline, from dear Mrs. Arbuthnot. She won’t dine. I am so sorry. But she will come in the evening. I am very pleased, indeed. She is one of the sweetest of women. Writes a beautiful hand, too, so large, so firm. (Hands letter to LADY CAROLINE.)
LADY CAROLINE (looking at it): A little lacking in femininity, Jane. Femininity is the quality I admire most in women.
LADY HUNSTANTON (taking back letter and leaving it on table): Oh! She is very feminine, Caroline, and so good, too. You should hear what the Archdeacon says of her. He regards her as his right hand in the parish. (Footman speaks to her.) In the Yellow Drawing-room. Shall we all go in? Lady Stutfield, shall we go in to tea?
LADY STUTFIELD: With pleasure, Lady Hunstanton.
They rise and proceed to go off. SIR JOHN offers to carry LADY STUTFIELD’S cloak.
LADY CAROLINE: John! If you would allow your nephew to look after Lady Stutfield’s cloak, you might help me with my work-basket.
Enter LORD ILLINGWORTH and MRS. ALLONBY.
SIR JOHN: Certainly, my love.
Exeunt.
MRS. ALLONBY: Curious thing, plain women are always jealous of their husbands, beautiful women never are!
LORD ILLINGWORTH: Beautiful women never have time. They are always so occupied in being jealous of other people’s husbands.
MRS. ALLONBY: I should have thought Lady Caroline