Integration
In essence, integration is how we observe, understand, interact with, create, and communicate our life story. Integration has been defined through various stage theories, models of change and research methodologies, many of which you will find illuminated in this text. It is not finding the missing pieces of a puzzle—we are already whole and always have been—it is a reshaping of the puzzle to include all the pieces that need to fit.
References
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Fonagy, P. (2001) Attachment Theory and Psychoanalysis. New York: Other Press.
Fromm, E. (1956) The Art of Loving. New York: Harper & Row.
Hansen, M. (2009) Collaboration: How Leaders Avoid the Traps, Build Common Ground, and Reap Big Results. Boston, MA: Harvard Business Review Press.
Hass-Cohen, N. and Findlay, J.C. (2015) Art Therapy and the Neuroscience of Relationships, Creativity, and Resiliency: Skills and Practices. New York: W.W. Norton.
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Kübler-Ross, E. (1969) On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy, and Their Own Families. New York: Scribner.
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Welwood, J. (2000) Toward a Psychology of Awakening: Buddhism, Psychotherapy, and the Path of Personal and Spiritual Transformation. Boston, MA: Shambalah.
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Wolfelt, A. (2003) Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press.
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2
The Origins of Attachment
Briana MacWilliam
The origins of attachment
Attachment theory rests on two fundamental principles: 1) a well-functioning attachment relationship provides a secure base that optimizes autonomy and provides support and comfort under stress, and 2) attachment relationships inform the development of “internal working models,” which are the basis for how we perceive and organize experience, like a script that is performed over and over again with new and various actors. Attachment figures are individuals to whom we seek proximity, from whom we resist separation, to whom we turn when in distress, and from whom we garner support and encouragement as we explore the world, engage in meaningful activities, and strive to master new challenges (Fraley and Davis, 1997). Loss of such a person creates a great disruption that is easily recognized as acute grief. Resolution of acute grief requires successful adjustment to far-reaching effects of the loss, both practical and psychological. Complicated grief occurs when resolution is impeded (see Chapter 3 for more detail).
Often, attachment and bonding are discussed interchangeably, but they are not one and the same. Neufeld and Mate describe attachment as “a force of attraction pulling two bodies toward each other.” Attachment is at “the heart of relationships and of social functioning…[it is] the pursuit and preservation of proximity, of closeness and connection: physically, behaviorally, emotionally, and psychologically” (2004, p.17). Harville Hendrix describes attachment as a physical and spiritual yearning for the early symbiotic union of the womb. He uses the term “Eros” to describe it, a Greek word we equate with romantic love, but which originally had the broader meaning of “the life force” (1988, p.17). Sigmund Freud would describe such a force as a “libidinal drive.” Simply put, attachment is motivated by an instinctual need to orient oneself, a turning towards the “other” in an attempt to make sense of the world and one’s place in it.
In the pursuit of attachment, however, we are paradoxically driven towards a state of independence. Having blissfully enjoyed a sense of intimate “oneness” with our mothers for about the first 12 to 16 months of life, the advent of crawling and walking propel us towards a state of independence, a process Margaret Mahler called “separation individuation.” A child’s state of feeling both distinct from and connected to its mother has a profound impact on all later relationships. If a child is fortunate, he will be able to make clear distinctions between himself and other people, maintaining flexible boundaries that he can open or close at will (Hendrix, 1988). Mahler suggested that a child suffers greatly if this individuation process is not handled with care, leading to profound confusion about who one is: What is self and what is other? What is me and what is not me? Early arrestments in this time of life can make for a complicated and intensely painful experience of grief in adulthood.
Less widely known, but perhaps more easily understood, Neufeld and Mate identify six “ways of attaching,” ascending from the more simplified to complex:
1.Senses. The emphasis is placed on physical proximity. A child needs to feel attached through smell, sight, sound, or touch.
2.Sameness. Usually in evidence by toddlerhood, the child seeks to be like those he or she feels closest to.
3.Belonging and loyalty. To be close to someone is to feel possessive of him or her, and to be obedient and faithful to that person.
4.Significance. Needing to matter to the person we are closest to, and seeking to please him or her and win his or her approval.
5.Feeling. Marked by a seeking to be emotionally open and vulnerable with an attachment figure; a willingness to share one’s feeling states.
6.Being known. Usually observable by the time a child enters school, this is when a child seeks to share his or her secrets and insecurities in the hopes of being completely seen, heard, and embraced, in spite of them.
Essentially,