The Top Gear Story - The 100% Unofficial Story of the Most Famous Car Show... In The World. Martin Roach

to sneak a victory with a high-spec Abbey GT in Round 3, a caravan with hot and cold running water and a separate bathroom, no less, which must have given him the edge. It was all pointless, puerile and utterly great fun. May pretty much summed up the feeling of any ‘bigger boy’ watching this feature, when he said: ‘It’s better than working in a bank!’

      Although this was perhaps their most violent demolition of the hated towing beast, undoubtedly the best Top Gear caravan jinx came in Series 14, when May went up in a caravan airship, racing Hammond on the ground in a Lamborghini. The very sight of the caravan strapped to the base of a Zeppelin-esque airship was perhaps one of the most bizarre of any episode of Top Gear, but things quickly started to go wrong. The original plan had been to land the odd-looking flying machine on a cricket pitch somewhere in Cambridgeshire (and ideally in the middle of a match for obvious dramatic effect) but strong winds rapidly blew the caravan airship off-course so it crash-landed in a farmer’s field near the A428. Although the tabloids ran pieces about May’s ‘lucky escape’, in fact no emergency services were needed, not least because the accident was at a recorded speed of 2mph. You walk at 4mph, so the ‘crash’ actually resembled falling over … slowly. (Note: May once suffered a sprained wrist while ‘travelling at speed’ in a shopping trolley for Top Gear Live in 2006).

      The humble caravan also found itself repeatedly battered as an indirect result of otherwise unrelated challenges, such as the time when the team were testing the resilience of a 911 Turbo and decided it would be a good idea to drop the German car from a great height onto a caravan. Later, the roles were flipped for a Toyota Hilux feature, when they dropped the caravan from a great height onto the pick-up – proving beyond doubt that despite their complaints about the ‘van’, if nothing else it is a highly versatile vehicle. Hammond has also tried to see how far a car towing a caravan can jump in response to the same stunt being done by the rival show, Fifth Gear.

      Meanwhile, James May slept with the devil on his show, Oz and James Drink to Britain, in which he travelled the nation drinking with famed wine connoisseur Oz Clarke (surprisingly, you would expect May to be a nifty vino tippler, but he’s actually a dedicated bitter man; he has also said: ‘I’ve never quite trusted water, I don’t think it’s entirely healthy.’). May drove around the isles in a predictably British Rolls-Royce Corniche Cabriolet, but he risked the wrath of his Top Gear colleagues by spending good money on a 1978 Sprite Caravan for their sleeping quarters. Judas!

      Of course the most obvious thing to do with a caravan is to go on holiday and that’s exactly what the Top Gear team did in Episode 6, Series 8. They bought a lovely Elddis for £3,000 and attached it to a Kia, the Caravan Club’s ‘Towing Car of the Year’ no less (Clarkson’s own opinion of the brand is slightly less positive, dubbing it ‘soulless’). The team set off for Dorset and before long there was a huge traffic jam behind them, with the three presenters cringing with embarrassment in the Kia. Hammond even declared: ‘I can’t bear the shame!’ Clarkson made the point that while the Caravan Club claim their members will pull over and let traffic queues past periodically, he has never once seen this in 30 years of driving.

      After the Top Gear dog (‘TG’) was sick in the car, they finally made it to the caravan site where they initially parked so badly that they wrecked a neighbouring tent, before Hammond went off for a cup of tea with the site’s owner. At one point, Clarkson pulled out an AK-47 rifle, which he felt he might need for a weekend away with James May.

      After a bad night’s sleep, the next morning they went for a country walk with a grumpy Clarkson moaning about boredom; eventually they stopped to use their binoculars to spot interesting cars on a nearby A-road. On their return, Clarkson rustled up some food … only to set fire to the caravan! After various abortive attempts to put out the blaze, the next-door tent also catches fire. Eventually they make a swift exit as fire crews and sirens blare out, as if to advertise their stupidity. So, an advert for the joys of caravanning this was not.

      Notably, this particular feature did attract criticism in some quarters for being a little too scripted and forced; the team happily admit the ‘accidental’ caravan fire was staged for dramatic effect and that they paid the Emergency Services around £1,000 to attend the filming. Frankly, who cares? It was hilarious!

      Later, when appearing on the comic TV show Room 101 – where guests list certain items they hate – Clarkson sent a shower of things he detested into oblivion, including flies, The Last Of The Summer Wine, club-house snobbery at golf courses, vegetarians and … caravans! (Comedian Sean Lock later put Clarkson himself in his own selection for oblivion.)

      Of course kids in the post-Millennial world of stringent Health and Safety Regulations aren’t always allowed to play conkers. The Top Gear presenters might possibly argue that the same ban should apply to adults driving caravans …