Tucker [not even holding back my laugher] “That SUCKS.”
SlingBlade “Yes it does. Welcome to every day of my life.”
Tucker “Hold on now dude—fate may fuck with you, but I fuck with fate right back.”
I filled him in on my upper-decker. He told me I was a bad person, but it was one of the few times I’ve ever seen him crack a genuinely warm smile, even if it was wet and fleeting.
“I Prefer Vaginally-Challenged”
SlingBlade and I interned at the same law firm during the summer after our second year. There is one night that summer in particular that really exemplifies our friendship and explains SlingBlade as a person:
We lived a bit south of San Francisco and were driving into the city for a party. On the way there, a cop in front of us, not in any hurry and with no lights or siren on, ran a stop sign. SlingBlade flipped out. Even though he hangs out with me, SlingBlade is a very moral and righteous person. To him you are either right or you are wrong, and this cop was wrong. He started honking, flashing his brights at him and motioning for the cop to pull over.
Tucker “What are you doing? That’s a cop!!”
SlingBlade “I AM GOING TO CITE HIM! HE RAN THAT STOP SIGN!”
Tucker “What the fuck? Are you crazy?”
SlingBlade “Give me your cell; I am calling 911.”
Thankfully he would not take his hands off the wheel long enough to wrestle the phone away from me, I calmed him down, and we got to the party. It was a launch party for a company called Eveo.com at a clubish-type place, Ruby Skye. Almost as soon as we got there, two girls dressed in clubbing outfits and smeared with makeup came up to me:
Girl 1 “Holy shit—I totally recognize you.”
Tucker “I’m not your baby’s daddy.”
She giggles a little and gives me a coquettish smile.
Tucker “Just kidding. So how do you think you know me?”
Girl 1 “You’re that guy with the website, with the date application on it?” [This was a big deal to me at the time because it was back when my site got no traffic, and I only had the Date Application on it.]
SlingBlade “Oh dear God. What kind of whores are these?”
Tucker “Stop it dude—anyways, yes ladies you are correct, I am that guy.”
Girl 1 “YAY! I knew it! What do I win?”
SlingBlade “An incurable case of Hepatitis C and years of emotional pain.”
Tucker “STOP IT.”
SlingBlade “LINE UP THE SHOTS MAX. YOU KNOW THE DRILL—I GET SHOTS OR THEY LEAVE CRYING!”
For the most part, the only way he will play wingman with girls he doesn’t like is if he is intensely drunk…cue five shots of Jagermeister; it’s time to loosen up SlingBlade.
We get a table and drink and talk. The girl SlingBlade was talking to, Girl 2, thought he was funny and laughed at his jokes, and everything is going great until Girl 1 decides to fuck it up by telling SlingBlade that she has a boyfriend but cheats on him all the time, especially with guys like me. Oh man…
SlingBlade “Well aren’t you just spectacular. I’m glad to see that those ‘Worthless Whore’ lessons turned out well for you.”
Girl 1 “Uh, you can’t make fun of me. You are wearing a Batman shirt out to a club.”
SlingBlade “I’d rather fellate a hot curling iron than listen to fashion advice from you.”
Girl 1 “You NEED fashion advice, you dress like an action figure.”
SlingBlade “Better an action figure than a Bowery prostitute.”
I tried to calm this down, but they got started again.
SlingBlade “Do you have anything else in your life besides work and fellatio? I’m not counting the empty syringes and used condoms decorating your apartment floor.”
Girl “YES! I do lots of things! What do YOU DO besides work? Watch Batman cartoons all day?”
SlingBlade “Woman, do not disparage Batman, or you will find this fork sticking out of your eye. Not only do I watch Batman, I go to the gym. You should try it some time.”
Girl “Excuse me jerk, I run.”
SlingBlade “Run?!? What, do you run to the refrigerator during commercial breaks? Huh, fatty?” [This girl wasn’t fat at all, but SlingBlade likes to push the obvious female insecurity buttons.]
Girl “You are a real asshole.”
SlingBlade “Settle down Slim, don’t hate the messenger. Just curious: have you ever eaten just one of anything?”
Tucker “Stop it.”
SlingBlade “She has—the forbidden apple.”
Tucker “Hey dick head, here’s my beer bottle, go peel the label and shut the fuck up.”
I took Girl 1 to the bar to calm things down, because unlike Colonel Masturbation, I wanted to fuck the girl I was talking to. Girl 2 actually thought SlingBlade was funny, so she stayed at the table to talk to him:
Girl “So you’re single?”
SlingBlade “I prefer ‘vaginally-challenged.’”
Girl [laughing] “You’re so funny. I can’t believe you’re single.”
SlingBlade “I’m a 25 year old socially anxious, premature ejaculator, and I’m wearing a Batman t-shirt to a club. Is it really that implausible?”
After a few drinks I got Girl 1 settled down and back to the table, and Girl 1 and Girl 2 immediately went to the bathroom together.
Tucker “So, your girl seems into you. And she’s kinda hot. You going to finally close a deal?”
SlingBlade “I don’t know. She has a 2 year-old kid…oh well, at least I know she fucks.”
Tucker “You want more shots?”
SlingBlade “Yeah, whatever. It’s not like I can hate myself any more than I do now.”
It was George Burns who said, “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” The same could be said for SlingBlade about hooking up. For him to hookup he has to perfectly hit his drinking sweet-spot. It’s got to be enough alcohol that he is truly fucked up, but not so much that he loses control. The problem with this is that his tolerance is terrible, which leaves him without much margin for error. If he doesn’t drink enough, he still thinks the woman is a slut, and he won’t touch her, but if he drinks too much, he throws up and/or passes out. It’s a delicate balance to get him into his Hook-up Zone.
We do one shot, and then another. At this point the girls return from the bathroom, and he smiles when he sees Girl 2. I get excited because I think I may have hit the spot exactly. I look over about 30 minutes later, and his head is buried in his hands, and he is muttering to his drink:
SlingBlade “Alcohol, I know I can trust you. You won’t leave me like that dirty whore did, will you?”
Girl 1 “What’s wrong with your friend?”
Tucker “He has a problem with women. And alcohol.”
SlingBlade “My liver hurts, my