If you suspect you are like Mike, operating primarily in the “want” circle, make a list of all of the things that you feel are vital for you to exert some control over in order to be a happy, healthy, and successful person. As you think of them you could jot them down in the appropriate circle in Exercise 4. If the item is something you want to control, put it in the left-hand circle. If it is something you definitely want to and can control, list it in the shaded area.
What does your diagram look like? Take a look at the things that are in your left-hand circle, but not in the overlap area. You may be able to influence some of these things, but not totally control them. If you are operating outside your “want and can” area by trying to finesse the outcomes of things that you don’t actually have control over, the results are stress, fatigue, anger, unhappiness, and depression. It is like beating your head against a brick wall.
Now let’s take a look at an opposite example. Paula is a freelance photographer who works from home and has twin 11-year-old boys. Her major frustration is getting the boys to start and complete their homework. It seems as if every evening the boys are up too late because they didn’t get their homework done earlier and then everyone is tired the next morning. Paula’s strategy has been to start reminding them of homework as soon as they get home from school but it hasn’t made a difference.
Paula’s own style preference is impacting the entire family. She enjoys the rush of a deadline and often stays up late herself to complete her work. Structure and schedules are definitely not her preference. Her situation is depicted in Figure 3.
Figure 3: What Paula Can Control
She is not operating in either circle, but there are some strategies she could try that are in the “can” circle. However, because of her aversion to structure, she hasn’t wanted to try them and therefore they remain in her “can” circle where they are ineffective without the desire to act.
By realizing that suggestions such as creating a productive physical environment for studying, increasing time for homework by reducing other activities, and implementing a homework routine would help her reach her goal, Paula may be able to move these suggestions to the “want and can” area. Once she is in the WaC area she will be able to end her homework headaches.
Are there items in your right-hand circle that are not in your “want and can” area? Maybe another priority or your style preference is causing you to not “want” to take some action that will improve a particular problem. This may be perfectly okay as long as you are cognizant of the fact. You can’t force yourself to want to do something unless you see the payoff and are willing to alter your behavior. In Paula’s case, the homework frustration had gone on for so long that she was willing to adjust her style preference in order to end the battles and get everyone to bed on time. Only you can control what is a “want” for you. But remember the powerful combination of “want and can” if you truly are seeking change. In Exercise 4, give some thought to one of your most difficult challenges and see if you are truly out of “WaC.”
By consciously choosing to operate in your WaC area, you are building up another defense against the corporate beast. Your efforts are now concentrated both where you believe they are important and where they can truly make a difference. And you now have energy left over for nurturing your desire for a more satisfying life.
Exercise 4: Determining Your “Want and Can” Area
Learn How to Let Some Balls Drop
One of the biggest challenges in achieving Comfortable Chaos and controlling the corporate beast is to let some balls drop on the ground. Yes, we mean let them drop and possibly not ever pick them up again! This is a tough leap in thinking if you are a perfectionist or someone who is trying to manage beyond your “want and can” area. But even if you do not have these tendencies, it can feel like a failure when something you are juggling lands on the ground. Maybe it will help you if you think of the “item on the ground” as a perfectly acceptable solution. When something lands on the ground, take it as a sign that the ball needs some adjustment or possibly a new home. And be sure to contemplate whether some of the balls you are keeping in the air with great difficultly may also belong on the ground. Consider the following three strategies for letting some balls drop.
Eliminate it
You may have a ball that needs to be deflated and put on the shelf. These are the tasks that just plain need to go away. Scrutinize every one of your regular tasks and decide if it really needs doing. For example, do you really need to dust every week or iron certain clothes? At work, is there a report you are doing just because it has always been done? Look for any opportunity to stop doing something or to do it less frequently. Try it for a few weeks and see what happens. Chances are you, and the people you thought would be impacted, do not notice the change or can at least live with the change.
Redefine done
You may need to swap your ball for something smaller and lighter. For example, let’s say you have seven or eight voicemail messages. Two of the callers have requested specific information and the rest have asked that you call them back. You get the information needed for the two callers and start returning the calls. Three of the callers you were able to reach and the rest you got their voicemails and left messages. Are you done? For some people the answer is no — they don’t feel like their task is complete until they have actually talked with the person. This isn’t necessarily wrong, but it’s much more freeing to consider the task done for this point in time. Look for other situations where you can redefine “done.” Break the task into smaller pieces and revel in “done” for each step of the task.
Redefining done can also mean lowering your standards for certain tasks. For example, instead of only having one definition of a clean bathroom — the one that includes a thorough scrubbing of everything — adopt a “mini clean” definition and every other week do the mini clean. This should be a lower standard of clean that you can finish much faster and still declare “done.” It’s all in how you define it. And whenever you are getting too obsessive about bathrooms and closets, remember what Ann Richards, the former governor of Texas, said, “I don’t want them to put on my tombstone: She kept a very clean house.”
Delegate it
When you delegate, instead of dropping the ball, you are tossing it to someone else. There’s no need to feel guilty about doing this. If you are delegating to your children, you are helping them become more self-sufficient. If you are delegating at work, you may also be enabling someone to learn new skills.
So how do you know if a task is something you should delegate or do yourself? There are two simple strategies when evaluating your to-do list. The first one is to ask yourself, Which of these things can only I do? In other words, you are looking for the tasks that require your unique skills and knowledge, and it would take significant time to train someone else. All other tasks are fair game for delegation.
The second strategy is to look for the items on your list that have been there for two or three days or longer. These are the tasks that linger on your list and are not getting started or completed. Why is this happening? Often there is an underlying reason why you are not able to check them off. It could be that you don’t really value the task or you don’t like the task. It could also be a signal that you need more information or are unsure how to proceed. Whatever the reason, make these tasks candidates for delegation. Your true energy and passion is not behind them and someone else may be better suited