And then, after 39 years of marriage, Jean and her husband separated amicably and divorced. At lunch one day, friends urged Jean to plan a special adventure to launch her new life chapter. It didn’t take much to convince her to join Karen, Louise and another mutual friend for the Fifth Annual Beardsley Guilt Trip. By the end of that trip, we all knew one another pretty well. Beardsley had brought us together.
Joint custody: Louise and Beardsley
Entrepreneur at work.
FIVE
An Interesting Exercise
in Planning
A planner by nature, Karen started to talk about retirement, even though it was many years away. Jean and Louise, also single, would retire at about the same time. Although we were aware of some options for retirement and senior living, none seemed just right for us. Feeling as young as ever, we considered ourselves “ageless.” We all planned to live independently, in our individual homes, for years to come.
As three singles, however, we were starting to find the responsibilities of maintaining our residences burdensome. Looking forward ten or twenty years, we saw the burden of single householding becoming ever heavier. For example, while decorating and entertaining for holidays can be wonderful, it is a lot of work when done single-handedly. Hosting parties is marvelous, but the house can feel pretty lonely once everyone has left and the kitchen is stacked with dirty dishes.
We considered that the need for companionship might become greater with age. We toyed with questions like, “What would happen if I lived alone and needed emergency medical help?”
We began to realize that maintaining three separate residences for three individuals was actually inconsistent with our values: prioritizing people and relationships, and being environmentally responsible. The obvious choice would be to purchase a retirement home together. In no time at all, we jokingly began referring to our dream as “The Old Biddies’ Commune.” The joke, however, was just among us. Not wanting to raise concerns or create jealousies, we kept our discussions private.
For several months, we tossed around ideas. Just for fun, we began sketching our dream retirement floor plan. We even wondered whether our aging joints would “need” a Jacuzzi. More importantly, we discussed how much privacy we would need.
In those casual discussions, we learned a lot about our shared values. A high priority for all of us was for friends and family to see our home as a gathering place – warm and friendly, with interesting conversation and lots of laughter. But despite common values, we each had a different perspective as we headed into this speculative venture.
Jean’s Perspective: “An Entertaining Pastime”
Living together with friends in retirement: a novel idea, I thought. I was living alone in a rented duplex, following separation from my husband. I had never lived alone before and was enjoying my independence and freedom. However, I had to admit that sometimes I felt lonely, and I certainly did not enjoy big chores like lawn mowing or snow shoveling.
I am a people person; I prefer to share life experiences with others. This retirement idea might be a great way to maintain my independence and, at the same time, share my life with kindred spirits. There could be no downside to sharing household chores and expenses.
We tossed the idea around every time we were together. We began checking the Internet for retirement sites and inputting our criteria for an ideal geographic location. We compared results, hoping to find the perfect place where all three of us could find peace and contentment in our “golden years.”
I thought this was an entertaining pastime that would probably not come to much, but as our fascination grew, we began to look more closely at options for shared living in retirement.
Our explorations unearthed many intriguing choices (though for some reason, we still had not come across the networks of intentional communities). E-mails flew back and forth, sharing Internet links and commentary.
As far as we knew, there was no how-to book for our idea. We realized that we had to develop our own strategy, so we began formal planning. Our idea was to lunch together one Sunday per month and spend the afternoon brainstorming. We developed an agenda that included open discussion and sharing the results of the research each had done since our last meeting. We would use flipcharts and notes and assign tasks. We envisioned this process to be our initial community-building work, and anticipated at least a year of planning.
But, as it turned out, we had only one meeting, April 25, 2004. As you skim our flipcharts, reproduced below, you’ll see that we were very serious about careful, long-term planning. We wanted to gradually refine our understanding of what this venture might look like. And we expected that we would learn enough about one another to know whether or not we should proceed.
Karen’s Perspective: “An Interesting Exercise in Planning”
My new consulting career offered opportunities to stabilize my long-term finances as well as to see the world. Sometimes I worked in a popular location, like the Bay Area of San Francisco. Other times, it was a swamp along the Mississippi coast. I always did my best to participate in the culture and see the beauty of the area, sometimes while looking through my camera lens.
My work offered more personal lenses. I work for a company that is richly supportive by giving its employees feedback, both positive and constructive. In my first few years, I learned much about myself and about working with others. In particular, I gained a greater understanding of how others see the world.
These great gifts came with the phenomenal bonus of travel points for airfare and hotels that supported our Annual Beardsley Guilt Trips.
But, the more I traveled, the more difficult it was to maintain my home and friendships. I managed to renovate my little Sears Roebuck house by using the Internet to send digital pictures back and forth to my contractor. I found a wonderful house manager to clean, deal with the mail and take care of any problems that arose. (Imagine needing a house manager for a four-room house!) Hiring others to take care of my personal affairs meant that I could concentrate on friendships during the little time I was home.
This lifestyle started me thinking about how much I valued my friends and family. I realized that I had constructed a solitary world for myself, one where I was happy enough, but one that lacked the warmth and spontaneity of people living together.
I knew, as I planned ahead for retirement, that I needed to change how I was living. Household responsibilities would become greater and, at some point, more than I wanted or could manage. As is true for each of us, I would at some point likely not be able to live by myself. And, statistically, the odds of a second marriage were low.
Time and space for solitude. Shhh . . .
For a few years, I privately mulled these matters, then gradually began talking about them with Louise and Jean. Our pursuit of a living community was deliberate, although planned for a much longer timeframe than the one that evolved. I simply counted myself unbelievably lucky to have