How to be Your Doctor’s Favorite Patient. David Claytor

defeat their efforts. It’s like digging a hole while someone else keeps shoveling dirt back into it.

      Sometimes people think that they can continue to drink, smoke, and do drugs because modern medicine will always have a means to rescue them from the consequences of their behaviors. It’s not true. If you keep swimming with sharks, we can throw you a lifeline time after time, but sooner or later–you’re gonna get eaten.

       Don’t use illegal drugs.

       Don’t drink alcohol excessively (more than one or two drinks per day).

       Don’t smoke at all.

       Do expect your physician to counsel you (or, perhaps from your point of view, “lecture” you) regarding the above, even when you come into the office for unrelated reasons.

       Do ask your physician for her help if you’re trying to stop smoking, drinking, or using drugs.

      “Special” Patients

      Soprano Patrice Von Stade was an imposing figure on the stage. At 5’ 10” and 186 pounds, she had a voice as big as the rest of her, and well-suited to her specialty of Wagnerian heroines. Brushing another woman aside, she stepped up to the reception desk at Dr. Frank Colter’s office and said, “I need to see Dr. Colter immediately!”

      “Is it an emergency?” queried the receptionist.

      “Yes, it is. I’m getting a cold,” Patrice replied, coldly.

      Raising her eyebrows, the receptionist said, “I’m afraid that doesn’t qualify as an emergency.”

      “For me it is. I’m opening tonight in Tristan und Isolde in Indianapolis.”

      “I see,” the receptionist replied, yawning as she looked at the daily schedule. “You’re in luck. We had a cancellation for 10:30. You can have that, but you’ll have to wait your turn.”

      As she waited, Patrice could feel her throat getting tighter and tighter. By the time Dr. Colter saw her, her voice was–horrors!–a little hoarse.

      “I need to nip this thing in the bud, doctor. I must be able to sing tonight.”

      “Well, it’s probably a virus, and viruses don’t care much for opera.”

      Ms. Von Stade didn’t laugh. “I don’t care what the cause is, I need to get rid of it. Do whatever you can.”

      “I doubt if it will help, but I’ll put you on antibiotics, just in case it’s bacterial. Other than that, take acetaminophen and plenty of fluids and lozenges and all the things I recommend for anybody with a cold.”

      “But doctor,” she said, stiffening in her chair, “I’m not just anybody.”

      Death may be the great leveler, but so is its ally, Disease. We all get sick from time to time, no matter how wealthy, famous, or talented. Still, we all think of ourselves as special, and when we see our physicians we present ourselves as having special needs. The singer with a cold, the professor with plugged-up ears who’s leaving on a plane for Europe, the bridesmaid with a weight problem who wants to lose 10 pounds two weeks before the wedding, all have a sense of urgency about their problems, and try to parlay this into receiving special treatment that other folks with the same condition might not receive. But it’s still the same condition; a cold is a cold is a cold.

      While the above is true for common problems, sometimes people develop unique problems related to their particular field of endeavor, and these can indeed require special treatment. For instance, a singer who develops vocal cord nodules needs to see an otolaryngologist. So sometimes we are special after all.

       Do realize that diseases are no respecters of persons.

       Do tell your doctor about your “special” circumstances, but,

       Don’t expect it to necessarily make a difference in your diagnosis and treatment.