INTRODUCTION
I consider myself a Cosmopolitan man. When it comes to females, I have visited the pubic regions of every racial group from all of the major land masses on the globe. And I’ve conquered them all with my powerful womb wrecker. I do not discriminate against the shade of any flesh, just so long as it’s soft, supple, and decorated with sizeable areolas or wrapped around a plump, heart-shaped pooper. My only criterion for denying a woman of my male endowment is her excess volume of body fat. I used to carry around with me a standing scale and tape measure everywhere that I prowled. If a sultry hoochie met a certain height and weight requirement, I would allow her to have sex with me. Now that I’m older and much wiser, I have acquired a pretty good eye for the appropriate dimensions of a sexy body and I no longer need calibration instruments. But I’m still a firm believer in the credo that the only way of making six pounds of fat look yummy is to put a nipple on it.
As man whore of my own making, I do not enjoy listening to the mistruths and exaggerated locker room stories of other men’s sexual escapades. But I do enjoy hearing myself talk. And I certainly do relish in my personal tales of debauchery. Furthermore, I feel that my sexual triumphs and dating ordeals are far too entertaining to keep to myself. Thus, I chose to share a few of my most memorable interactions with skanks that took place during my development as a mass muff murderer. To better circulate my chronicles, I have preserved them through the written word for the sake of posterity.
It is my only hope that a younger generation might take the words that I have written here into their hearts and contemplate upon their own lack of swagger. Using my stories as a catalyst of promiscuity, perhaps then will my pimping legacy go on, carried forth by a new brood of male sluts who are seeking to spread their own tainted seed.
SKANK ROSTER
HEIDI: sleazy swinging
JAMIE: tragic teen sex irony
SOFIA: dating delinquency
BRANDY: misdeeds with a Mormon girl
AMAYA: too beau coup
LACY: scrumping Stewart’s mom
SUSAN: neurotic nympho nausea
HONEY: ebony erotica
MINA: dentureless dome
DANIELLE: smeared reputation
THERESA: mingling with a meth whore
LAQUIFA: bungled butt plug
CUPCAKE: glitter, gums, and gynecology
GLORIA: interoffice interludes
HEIDI
My earliest experiences with members of the opposite sex took place in the fifth grade. Although I had no interest in feminine flesh at that time, for some reason or another, girls were attracted to me like flies to a turd. One newly pubescent female in particular, Heidi, went out of her way to sexually harass me on a regular basis at school. I was not entirely sure what sexual harassment entailed during the fifth grade, and I probably could not spell the term nor use it in sentence even if I had been aware of the definition, but I knew that it was something really cool just the same.
Heidi would hunt me down and kiss me all the time. It did not matter if I was enjoying myself at recess out on the playground, walking through the crowded hallways to class, beating up some poor bastard who looked funny by the bike rack, or kneeling over the ditch bank collecting bugs. Wherever I was, Heidi would find me, kiss me, and then run away with a stream of giggles, leaving me feeling dirty and used.
Given that Heidi was taller than me and had began puberty much earlier than I, she was physically able to overpower me without much difficulty. On more than one occasion, Heidi pushed me to the ground in front of my peers, only to kiss me and run off with a sense of glee over her apparent victory. I was not embarrassed by these actions because I quickly discovered that having a girl forcing herself on top of me felt pretty damn good, even though she had cooties and did not understand the diametric relationship between Cobra Commander and the G.I. Joe team.
Eventually, Heidi built up enough courage to talk to me, rather than employ her hit and run maneuvers of kissing me and bolting off. She was direct with her verbalizations when they finally occurred, which stood in stark contrast to her passive-aggressive behavior of fleeing after she pushed my ass to the ground, straddled me, and smooched all over my face. I later learned that Heidi merely wanted me to pursue her when she had ran away so many times before. After she realized that I would not do so, she finally opted to talk with me instead. Surprisingly, once I got to know Heidi a little bit, I discovered that my conversations with her were fairly interesting, even though she failed to see the humor in my stories of taping grasshoppers to bottle rockets and launching them into the air where they burned to death in a fiery burst of color.
During our discourses at school together, I learned that Heidi lived up the street from me, approximately midway between my parents’ house and the school grounds. After I became wise of the close proximity of Heidi’s house to my own, it became a regular occurrence for me to walk home after school with my new female friend and occasionally stop by her house for an afternoon snack that her parents routinely provided us. My mother soon became aware of my afternoon delights, however, and sought to put an end to them. In attempts to avoid having any more grandchildren, my mother prohibited me from making any further stops at Heidi’s house on my way home from school. I was to “walk straight home.” And I was specifically forbidden from “going over to that little whore’s house” anymore.
Despite my maternal prohibitions from stopping by Heidi’s abode on my walks home from school, I was unable to resist the temptation one particular day after class and followed her inside her house for “just a few minutes.” This day was different than those previous, however. Upon entry into the desolate residence, we were not greeted by Heidi’s parents at the front door and no afternoon snacks had been prepared for us. Heidi’s parents were not at home.
I was somewhat uncomfortable with being left alone inside Heidi’s house. I became even more uncomfortable when I entered her bedroom for the first time. Her room was cluttered with girlie things, such as posters of teenage celebrities, My Little Pony dolls, and plastic jewelry. There was nothing that she owned which appealed to my interest. There were no army men dioramas on the shelves, no homemade weapons lying about, and no pictures of exotic sports cars on her walls. Her room was in entire chaos, having so much glitter and fairy paraphernalia that it strained my eyes with a sensory overload. After only a few minutes of discomfort inside her bedroom, I elected to go outside, where Heidi happily showed me the swing set that she had in her backyard.
The most notable feature of Heidi’s swing set was the inclusion of a double-seated boxed swing. This contraption allowed for two small persons to face each other while they sat together inside a metal-framed carriage that was shaped like a cube. The carriage was suspended in the middle by a long, metal pole which provided swinging movement from where it was hinged at the top of the swing set frame. I had never before witnessed such a swing and excitedly jumped aboard the carriage when I first laid my eyes on it. Heidi joined me, sitting in the opposite seat. We soon discovered that our bodies were too large to both sit inside the cube at the same time. Instead, we sat up on the edges of carriage and placed our feet upon the small interior benches.
After talking for several minutes while swinging back and forth on the boxed swing, Heidi was overcome by my oozing masculinity and moved to kiss me. She succeeded in making contact with my lips which immediately traumatized me. I jerked away as soon as I remembered that I had neglected to take my cootie vaccination that morning. I then tried to detour any further advances from Heidi by swinging faster, which made it so she had to cling to the carriage frame with her wanton hands instead of touching my muscular-sculpted body.
“You can’t go very fast on this,” Heidi advised, nervously looking around at the unsecured