… Crabby stopped dead in the middle of a twirl, one step from the target point … out of the store strode a tall solid-looking lady, and as her foot landed on the target, so did our dung. It hit her right on the neck, instantly splattering up into her nostrils, spiking her hair straight up like some weird crazy echidna with greeny-yellowy bits of dung-covered hay dangling off it. Grassy globs dripped off her as others bits slithered down under her clothes like slugs on an oily slippery dip. Smaller globs of the stuff slid through the thick forest of hair on her legs and down into her shoes.
Crabby was still standing mid-twirl on tippy toes with her arms pointing straight out and a stupider look on her face than usual. We could see the veins in the stranger’s neck starting to throb. Muscles started to bulge under her clothing like some weird ‘Hulk' thing was about to happen. She turned and stared with her eyes on fire, straight through the bushes … at us!!!
We dropped everything and ran. We kept on running until we got back to our secret hideout at Jared’s place where we collapsed onto the floor and began to roll about in humongous fits of laughter. It’d be years before we forgot the look on that face, it was priceless. We laughed sooo long and sooo hard that our guts ached for ages. What a ripper!
And the best thing was … she was a tourist! Some poor shmow that just happened to be passing through. She wouldn’t be recommending Agnath to any of her friends, that’s for sure.
Later that afternoon when I got home, Mum had one of those strange, ‘You think you’re really clever’ looks on her face. “ Sam! ”
“Yeah Mum?”
“Mrs Duckson, the new school principal just called. She’d like Jared and his mum and you and I, to go up and meet her tomorrow to discuss something. Apparently you met her this morning …
… at the store!! ”
Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!
Being grounded until, “The next solar eclipse” or “The sun burns out” wasn’t exactly fair. At least Jared had brothers, five of them. I just had one extremely annoying, painful; poopy-drawers baby sister, Smelly Melly. And that’s where my life had started sliding down the toilet.
“Help your sister get dressed Sam …” “Play dollies with your sister Sam …” “Wipe your sister’s snotty nose Sam …” Yeah, I loved having a snotty nose, useless little sister who just wants to have a tea party with Dolly, Rabby and of course me every five minutes … not!! It just wasn’t fair! I’d been bugging Mum for a pet since we got to this tragic town. I just wanted something with venom or at least some sort of deadly ability. But of course I should have known …
‘What if Precious Wecious Itty Bitty Little Melly accidentally touches it?’
‘What if it goes and accidentally bites Princess Perfect Melly Welly Bitty Boo?’ Well deerrr!!!
Did Mum really think I wanted something dangerous just for fun??
Then one day, right out in the middle of nowhere, this little pet shop opens up. It was like one of those tiny five-hundred-year-old houses that the cavemen probably made. It’s barely standing up and me and Jared have only ever seen cows standing around in it. Every time the wind blows, it loses another piece of roof and a few more planks off the walls. It’s sitting on the side of the road halfway between Agnath and the next town. Why would anyone want a pet shop, or any shop, way out there? But the very next day after it opened, Jelly Melly put the tears into full action and Mum came home with this totally woozy girly dog for her. Not only is this thing white fairy floss on legs, but every time it poops, some gets stuck to the hair around its butt and I have to wipe it clean! How does she do it?
I’ve been whinging forever but Yelly Melly drops a tear and Mum runs off to the shop. At least Smelly Melly got the dog’s name right, Fluff Butt. She looks like a massive hair explosion on legs after eating a fire-cracker. And the stupid thing was supposed to be house-trained, not trained to do it in the house! So why does it seem to be Smelly Melly’s dog but every time it goes out to poop, it’s the family dog and I have to wipe its poohy butt when it comes back in?! And the stupid dog seems to enjoy it!
It’s just not fair!!
But I know it’s up to something. I just don’t know what … yet! Whenever Mum’s around it’s a real goody-goody. It walks into the house and practically sticks its butt in my face to be wiped. But as soon as Mum’s not looking, the dumb thing runs around the house scraping her butt all over the floor. And I could swear she’s smiling when she does it.
Naturally it’s always my fault. So I have to clean up after it whenever it does ‘have a little accident’. It’s weird; I could almost swear the mutt plans it that way. The other day she came in and stuck her butt up for me to wipe. Just then Mum walked out of the room and straight away Fluff Butt leapt away from me and ran straight over to the centre of the lounge room. Then she dragged her butt right across it!
“Sam, why didn’t you wipe her butt properly?!!”
“But I did, she …”
“That’s not chocolate on the floor!”
“I know, but …”
“I’ve told you a hundred times!”
“I was, but she … ”
“Then do it properly next time!!”
“But when I … ”
“Did you hear me?”
“Yes Mum.”
As if Crabby Abbey wasn’t bad enough.
Now I had Jelly Melly’s dog getting me into trouble as well.
For the first time ever, I actually wanted to go to school. At least there, me and Jared could plan out our next projects. We didn’t have to worry about annoying siblings or mental pets. The only problem was that we had the old principal, Mr Penniless, trained. He never came near us; he didn’t want to know what we were up to. But the new principal, Mrs Duckson, looks like the ‘THE TERMINATOR’ in women’s clothing. And she seemed to be forever trying to sneak up behind us to see what we’re working on. We had to be sure that our secret plans stayed that way, SECRET! Not blabbed to our mums before we even got the chance to build them.
Our next pooper-shooter would be the world-record holder for flung dung. It had to go higher, further and smellier than ever before. Because next time … we didn’t want to get caught.
I had it!! Another brilliant brain busting idea; I was full of them. Of course I had to come up with just about all of the super spectacular ideas. When they were handing out brains, Jared obviously thought they said …
“Do you want a pain in your head?”
Of course he said, “No way!”
Yeah, good one Jared.
So anyway, we needed to make our Bulravian Secret Document Invisible Folder. It’s pretty simple really.
Now whenever we give the secret signal for, ‘Mrs D is coming’, I simply flick over the inside front cover to hide our plans. Hey presto, we’re