If we step back from being ‘unconsciously competent’ at ‘telling’, and learn and practice the skill of ‘asking’ (which incidentally often means we feel less competent for a short while), we eventually return to being competent at both ‘asking’ and ‘telling’, which allows us to become much more rounded in our ability to communicate and to tap into the potential of others.
Becoming a Potentialiser
The skill of asking Better Questions is definitely something that can be life changing when we become aware of it, learn it and put it into practice. We constantly get feedback from people who tell us that they had no idea how much of a ‘teller’ they were, and that now that they have become aware of the option of being an ‘asker’ it has dramatically changed their experiences with clients as well as radically improved their life. We have a term that we use for people who use Better Questions and that is a Potentialiser. The definition of this word that we use is, ‘a releaser of amazingness’ in others or, as Heather-Jane prefers to call it, ‘an uncoverer of innate wisdom’. You’ll already appreciate that better Health & Wellbeing Professionals are all Potentialisers.
The reality is that it isn’t hard to put the ‘asking’ process into practice, and we commend you for being prepared to step out of your comfort zone for a while, and take on board the messages outlined in this book. The old adage ‘no pain, no gain’ is definitely true when we are trying to learn a new skill, so be prepared for some internal resistance to these ideas. After all, it’s far easier to do what comes naturally than have to think about doing something differently!
We hope that you can see that there is no need to build a case for ‘telling’ or to provide you with any more skills in this area – you probably already do it extremely well! Typically we’re good at ‘telling’ and have had it role-modelled into us for most of our lives. Our aim in this book is to ask you to step out of your comfort zone of doing what you have always done, think about the ideas we present and have a go at putting them into practice. We guarantee you will be an even better professional as a result.
If you are up for this, let’s get started on inspiring you to be a Potentialiser in your role. We know that if you are able to perform even better in your role, then your world, your clients’ world and the world of those around you become better places. If all professionals are able to fulfil their roles in a better way, then the world really will become a better place – and you’ll have played a major part in that.
Chapter 1
Different hats
In your role as a Health & Wellbeing Professional, we’re certain that you feel as if you have to wear many different hats; sometimes it feels like you have to wear many hats at the same time! We believe that the essential skill of being effective in your role is knowing which is the right hat to wear, at the right time and in the right way, to best deal with the situation being faced. This choice is rarely straightforward, particularly when you are under pressure and juggling many priorities at the same time, as well as not really knowing what approach will give you the desired results. In addition, there is the added complication of having to deal with people’s different personalities, backgrounds and cultures, which mean being able to best respond to their different perspectives, mindsets and preferences.
When it comes to people, there is never a ‘one size fits all’ approach to problems – we have to respond intuitively to situations that, on the surface, appear to be the same, but often require a different approach because of the challenge of dealing with the unique qualities of people. We’ve found that trying to work effectively with diversity generally has brought us the most challenges, as well as the greatest joy and rewards (with every emotion in between!). We both love the fact that there are rarely any easy answers.
Deciding what is the right hat to wear (i.e. what our response should be to a certain situation or person) is often not straightforward and so typically our first response is often made in a habitual way that is easiest for us and fits within our comfort zone. From what we’ve shared with you so far, you’ll probably acknowledge that many people feel most comfortable, not surprisingly, with the ‘teller’ response. This is the hat that they will bring to their professional roles – on automatic pilot in many instances. This can be particularly true due to the traditional medical hierarchy in many health and social care settings.
What we’d like to do to start to build a strong case for asking Better Questions is to share some insights into the most frequent hats we wear in our lives generally. We hope that by doing this you’ll be able to recognise the key aspects of each hat in the hope that, going forward, it will help you to make more informed choices rather than automatic responses.
So, to start this exploration, we invite you to consider a line, with one end representing the more typical ‘telling’ space and the other end representing the ‘asking’ space.
We ask in advance for your understanding in the explanations we’re about to share with you, as they may at times appear to be simplistic in their nature. We recognise that rarely is anything clear-cut in life, and usually there are many grey areas; however, if you can bear with us we hope to be able to clarify some important points that will enable you to glean more understanding about the key distinctions between the two approaches of ‘telling’ and ‘asking’.
Let’s start by talking about some of the hats (roles) that we all relate to in life – especially the ones that belong more at the ‘telling’ end of our TELLER—ASKER line. We’re certain that you’ll relate to them in many aspects of your life and work, even if you don’t necessarily adopt the names that we’ve given them.
The teacher/trainer/educator
The first hat we’d like to explore is the one we refer to as teacher/trainer/educator, which is a hat that all of you will be familiar with. This hat is very much about being able to impart knowledge or a skill to enable others to learn and grow. For you to be able to wear this hat, the prerequisite has to be that you have the knowledge and/or skills in the first place.
This is an important hat to wear, in that it enables your clients to learn and be more aware and informed. Indeed, we absolutely acknowledge that we wouldn’t be the people we are today without some great teachers, trainers and educators sharing their knowledge/skills with us. Consequently, we’re not invalidating the role of this educating hat; indeed, it is one that you will undoubtedly wear successfully in your professional roles. However, we would like to raise your awareness of it though, so that you can make more conscious, informed choices going forward.
The expert
Let’s look at another hat that we wear – it’s one we are sure you all relate to within your lives: being ‘the expert’. Here you are a person who considers yourself to have the best knowledge and advice about certain situations or things and believes that your role is to offer this knowledge or advice to help people. There is a sense that you do know best, and this doesn’t necessarily come from an egotistical place; it is likely to be a genuine belief that, given your education, role and experience, your opinion really is right. We can recall many people telling us that they are aware that they often converse wearing the expert hat in the absolute knowledge that they are right about things, and frequently they are!
Health & Wellbeing Professionals who wear this hat usually do so out of real concern and care for their clients, often in the belief that if they don’t provide this knowledge or advice there will be adverse consequences. Indeed, there are often situations where both you and the client feel that