One of the great bons viveurs of his generation, Mortimer once announced, ‘I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.’
I suggest we all take Mortimer’s philosophy on board and prize quality of life over length of life. Let’s stop trying to be immortal. Let’s celebrate our good fortune at living in Britain in the early 21st century, and having France as our closest neighbour. And let’s follow the biblical instruction – St Luke, ch.12, v.6, if my memory serves me right – to take our ease, eat, drink, and be merry.
TABLE 0.1 – THE BUSINESSMAN AND THE CHAUFFEUR
| MIKE BUCHANAN | PAUL CARRINGTON | |
| Background | Solidly middle class. Father worked in the Foreign Office. Public school, university, career with blue-chip organisations. Has run a consultancy since 1999. Author. | Solidly working class. Brought up on a houseboat in Stanground, near Peterborough. Left school at 16, worked in brickworks, the Army, security. Self-employed chauffeur since 1983. |
| Age | 50 | 57 |
| Health and physical attributes, current marital status | 5’9’’ tall, 235 lbs (107 kg). Highly unfit and averse to physical effort of any kind, hence his chauffeur, cleaner and gardener. This, combined with his fondness for good food and wine, has led to him being overweight for many years. Myopic and diabetic. Currently single, surprisingly. | 6’1’’ tall, 210 lbs (94 kg). Interested in keeping fit even after suffering several lung collapses due to emphysema. 5th Dan in the martial art Moo-duk-kwan-tang-soo-do. Six false teeth, and psoriasis on his head. Currently single, surprisingly. |
| Marital record and children | Two ex-wives (British). Two daughters, Sarah Mercedes (23) and Kerry Portia (22). | Three ex-wives (Yugoslavian, Italian, Ugandan), three children, Louise (37), James (35) and Kristien (33). |
| Personality | An introvert until the wine kicks in. Tries to respect opposing views to his, on complex issues. Invariably fails. Relishes variety and the finer things in life. | An extrovert, and highly opinionated. People call him arrogant, he prefers ‘over confident’. A creature of habit, even with respect to his choice of biscuits. |
| Politics | Right-wing except on law and order issues. | Left-wing except on law and order issues, where he’s to the right of the Taliban. Hanging is invariably ‘too good for ‘em’. |
| Daily newspaper | The Daily Telegraph. | The Express, occasionally The Sun. |
| Favourite magazine | The Economist. | Bike (a motorcycling magazine). |
| Interest in sports | Interest limited to ladies’ tennis – especially the Russian and East European players – and ladies’ beach volleyball. The latter is rarely seen in Bedford, the town being a long distance from the sea. | Very interested in many sports. |
| Interest in fine food and wine | Substantial. Drinks comme un trou (‘like a hole’) as the French say. Helps makes life under the current Labour administration a little more bearable. | None. Has rarely been known to drink more than one glass of wine in a day. |
| Leisure pursuits | Live guitar-based music, reading, comedy, travelling in France. A good guitar owner. | Live guitar-based music, exercising, motorcycling. A good guitar player. |
| Attitude towards France and the French | Lifelong admirer of France, the French, their food, wine, language and . . . well, almost everything, to be honest. | Before the first holiday: ‘I love France, but I hate the French.’ After the second: ‘I love the southern half of France, which is scenic and warm, and the French people, but I’m not a fan of French food.’ |
1
OUR FIRST WEEK WITH ANNE AND MARK PHILLIPS
I refuse to grow up, on the grounds that I might not like it!
Paul Carrington (1950- )
The rocking chair – the heroic police officer – Mercedes S-class saloons – the problem with the ferry booking – Paul gets in touch with his ‘inner child’ – When You Come to the End of Your Lollipop – Anne and Mark – the witty dentist’s receptionist – Cognac – ‘a simple cup of English breakfast tea’ – Super Mario – the problem with Hennessy’s current cellarmaster – normal cheese – the problem with French stamps – The French Helpfulness Index – window cleaning and shutter painting – the fetching waitress in Bordeaux – the helpful dentist – Louis, the flying dog – Paul spots something incredible – the divine Château Mirambeau – a judgmental waiter in Jonzac – Where do you go to my lovely? – Stanground boys and the art of bicycle borrowing – why the French are shorter than the English – funny sunflowers – Hiroshima – a tour of the Médoc wine region – Madamoiselle Toptotty and the magnificent warehouse – ‘Zey are all good vintages, monsieur’ – Château Lynch-Bages and the awful lunch – French merde, German merde – un trog, une trogette – Quasimodo – an old lady crosses the road
SATURDAY 4 AUGUST
We couldn’t fit the rocking chair into the car. We’d drawn up packing lists for the holiday (Apx 1), and I was taking many more items than Paul, who clearly preferred to travel light. It had taken some time to pack the car, and even though it was roomy – and 17’ long – the rocking chair would just have to remain behind. We set off for Dover at 5.10 a.m., Paul driving.
I’d recently had notice of another speeding offence in Bedford, a heroic police officer having ‘clocked’ me driving at a reckless 38mph in a 30mph limit area in the middle of a sunny day, on a wide road – Barker’s Lane, Bedford, since you ask – with no pedestrians in sight. Clearly the police had sorted out all the serious crime in the Bedford area. This ‘offence’ would in due course take my licence points tally to 12 and disqualify me from driving for six months. So I thought it prudent that Paul drive, lest Bedford’s finest add yet more points to my licence.
Some nine months beforehand I’d bought the car which Paul was now driving. I was due to replace my car and asked Paul for his views on the best saloon car available for my budget of around £20,000. I figured he was in a good position to give advice, as he chauffeurs his clients in some wonderful cars. Without hesitation he said I should test drive a three- or four-year-old Mercedes S-class 320CDI. So I went to the Mercedes showroom in Bedford, and immediately spotted the model.
I took the car for a test drive, and was hooked in a matter