For some, it’s a gradual dawning. For others, the realisation that we’re all going to die one day comes in a sudden shock of understanding. Grown-ups often shy away from exploring the after-tremors. But the more you can keep a child company as they grapple with their questions – where do you go when you die? who will die first, them or you? is it possible to die before you’re old? – the better their chances of reconciling themselves to the inevitability of death, and living a life not overly shadowed by the fear of it.
A light touch is very welcome, of course, and for that look to Babette Cole, fearless doyenne of picture books that dare to go where others fear to tread.6 In Drop Dead, a brother and sister ask their grandparents why they’re such ‘bald old wrinklies’. Their good-humoured elders explain that they weren’t always like this and proceed to take their grandchildren on a whistle-stop tour of their lives – which, by anyone’s standards, have not been dull. Cole’s lively illustrations show the pair of them careering downhill in their runaway pram as babies, racing their motorbikes at sixteen, experimenting with cigarettes at eighteen, dancing on the rooftops at twenty-one, and leaping off the backs of horses as a stuntman and film star in their respective, glamorous careers (having both failed to get steady jobs as scientists). Old age has seen them start to shrink, forget things and wear false teeth – but they still have the occasional OAP adventure (parachuting with their Zimmer frames, for example). And even though they’ve dodged death many times in their lives, they will go ‘bonk’ eventually. Everyone’s left with a smile at the end.
Another way to soften the shock is to explore how we continue to feel the presence of our loved ones in our lives after they’ve died – as shown in Badger’s Parting Gifts. Dependable and kind, Badger is missed terribly by his friends. But then, one by one, they recall something special about him. Mole remembers how Badger once made him a mole paper chain. Frog remembers how Badger taught him to skate. Their reminiscences, brought to life with intricate watercolour illustrations, fill the mourners – and us – with happy affection for this wise, generous friend. Whether you prefer to tell a child that the dead hover nearby, continuing to wish us well, or that they live on through the gifts they leave behind, this book will bring something warm and positive into the conversation.
For slightly older children, the profound Tuck Everlasting makes a case for death as a positive force in our lives. When ten-year-old Winnie stumbles upon a radiant boy named Jesse Tuck sitting under a tree, she asks him how old he is. ‘I’m one hundred and four,’ comes the unexpected reply. Winnie brushes off his remark – as she does Jesse’s insistence that ‘something terrible’ will happen to her if she drinks from the stream beneath the tree. But when Jesse’s older brother Miles and mother Mae turn up and proceed to hijack Winnie, tossing her on the back of their horse and racing back to their house with her, she begins to take their stories more seriously. She discovers that the stream beneath the tree is a magic stream and the whole family of Tucks became immortal when they drank from it, stuck at the same age forever. Knowing how hard it’ll now be for Winnie to resist drinking from the stream herself, they are determined to persuade her not to – and they have till morning to do so. Only Jesse, yearning for a friend with whom to spend his endless life, takes the opposite stand.
The arguments against immortality are posed in a way that’s direct and easy for children to grasp: life is dependent on death for its shape and meaning, they say, and one gets weary being alive forever. It’s the lonely, sad figure cut by Pa Tuck that’s most convincing. ‘If I knowed [sic] how to climb back on the wheel, I’d do it in a minute,’ he says. ‘You can’t have living without dying . . .’ Whether Winnie will drink from the stream herself at seventeen and become Jesse’s eternal mate, or age and die like everyone else, makes this book impossible to put down. Is it better to live fully, but briefly, or to exist forever, unchanging? Her decision is one that readers will never forget.
Many teens prefer not to think about death at all, for these are the years of invincibility. But events around them may force them to. Sam, the eleven-year-old hero of the heart-wrenching Ways to Live Forever, has leukaemia and knows he’s going to die sooner rather than later. Turning his curiosity on death itself, he writes endless lists – lists of questions, such as ‘How do you know when you’re dead?’ and lists of ways to ‘live forever’, such as ‘Become a vampire’ and ‘Marry a Greek goddess’. He even writes lists of things he’d like to happen when he’s dead, such as his sister inheriting his bedroom and his parents not being too sad.
We defy anyone to read this story without a lump in their throat. Sam is more courageous than either his parents or his sister, and his sense of humour holds out beyond his passing, written into the notes he leaves behind. He wants his family to be a little bit sad, but not so sad that they can’t remember him without being devastated; and it’s this, the art of being happy despite the knowledge that death awaits us and everyone we love, that this story inspires teens to master.
SEE ALSO: about, what’s it all? • anxiety • death of a loved one • death of a pet • life-threatening illness • worrying
death of a loved one
Nothing is harder than the death of someone we love,7 whatever our age. Seeing a fictional character going through a parallel loss – whether of a grandparent, parent, sibling or friend – can offer a safe way to explore the complex and bewildering emotions and help support a child through the different stages of grief. In all cases, it is vital to read a book closely yourself before sharing it with a bereaved child.
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