He pulled over the bed table on wheels and turned on the radio. The Metropolitan Mix. He was sure that somewhere inside behind her closed eyes she could hear the music he played for her. And he didn’t want her to miss out on anything. So that on the day she woke up she would recognise all the new songs that had come out. Since the accident.
He took the skin lotion out of the bedside table, drew a white stripe along her left leg and began to massage it. With even strokes he worked up from the calf, across the knee, and further towards the groin.
‘Today it was really fine weather outside. I took a walk down to Årstaviken and sat for a while in the sun by the boat club, there on our wharf.’
He carefully lifted her leg, put one hand behind her knee and bent it cautiously several times.
‘Good, Anna . . . Just think, later when you get well we can go down there together again. Take some coffee with us and a blanket and just sit there in the sun.’
He straightened out her leg and placed it on the sheet.
‘And all your potted plants are fine; the hibiscus has even started to bloom again.’
He rolled down the bed rails to reach her right hand. The fingers on her left hand had stiffened into a claw, and every day he checked the right one carefully to make sure it hadn’t done the same. So that she would be able to continue painting her pictures when she woke up.
He turned off the radio and began to get undressed.
The calm he had longed for began to spread through him. A whole night’s sleep.
Nowhere else but here with Anna did the compulsion vanish completely and leave his thoughts in peace. His sanctuary, where he was finally allowed to rest.
Only Anna was strong enough to make him dare resist. With her he felt safe.
Alone he didn’t have a chance.
He was only allowed to sleep here once a week, and he had had to nag them about it. Sometimes he was afraid that the privilege would be taken away from him, even though it was no extra trouble for the staff. The new ones especially, like the nurse tonight, seemed to think it was odd. It bothered him a little; was it so strange that they wanted to sleep together? Good Lord, they loved each other, after all.
In any case, he didn’t care what they thought.
He thought about the conversation he would have with Dr Sahlstedt in the morning and hoped that it wasn’t about the nights he slept with Anna. If they were taken away he would be lost.
He folded his jeans and T-shirt and put them in a neat stack on the visitor’s chair. Then he clicked off the bed lamp. The sound of the respirator was more noticeable in the dark. Calm, regular breaths. Like a faithful friend in the dark.
He lay down cautiously beside her, pulled the covers over them, and cupped his hand over one breast.
‘Good night, my darling.’
Gently he pressed his crotch against her left thigh and felt the preposterous arousal.
He wanted only one thing.
Only one.
That she would wake up and touch him. Take hold of him. And afterwards she would hold him tight and tell him that he never had to be alone again. That he didn’t have to be afraid any more.
He would never leave her.
Never ever.
Axel seemed to know something was wrong. As if the words they had said the night before had polluted the air. They floated like an evil-smelling menace in the house and made her lose her courage as soon as he refused to put on the striped T-shirt.
She had to pull herself together. Not lose control. He hadn’t actually said he wanted a divorce, after all, he hadn’t done that. Just that he didn’t think they had fun any more.
She hadn’t been able to sleep. She lay wide awake and listened to his fingers tapping on the keyboard in the office, sometimes hesitant, sometimes determined. How could he just sit down and work? She wondered what kind of article he was writing and realised that she had no idea. It had been a long time since they had talked about his work. As long as he sent out invoices and money came in so she could pay the bills, there hadn’t seemed to be any reason.
Always so pressed for time.
For a while she had thought about going in to him and asking, but then she changed her mind. He was the one who should come to her.
Not until around three o’clock did she hear the bedroom door being carefully opened, and he slipped into his side of the double bed.
Axel like a defensive wall between them.
There were only a few minutes left until the meeting as she parked outside the day-care centre. Axel was still in a bad mood, even though she tried to divert his attention as best she could during the drive over. It would be terrible when she left. Axel’s sobbing face behind the window-pane.
How could she cope with that today?
She ran into Daniel’s father on the way in.
‘Hi, Eva, great to see you, I was going to call you two today. We’re having that dinner party on the 27th like we said. Can you still come?’
‘Yes, I think so.’
He glanced quickly at his watch and kept talking as he backed towards his car.
‘We were thinking of inviting the couple that just moved in down the street as well; you know, the house where that old couple used to live. I don’t remember their names.’
‘I know who you mean. So someone has moved into the place now?’
‘Yes, and I think they have kids the same age as ours, so we thought we’d do something neighbourly right away. It’s good to have some place within crawling distance when you go out for dinner.’
He laughed at his own joke and took another look at his watch.
‘Damn. I’ve got to be at a meeting on Kungsholmen in fifteen minutes. Why can’t they ever start half an hour later?’
He gave a deep sigh.
‘Well, then. Say hi to the family.’
He got into his car and she pulled open the door for Axel.
It was always such a rush. Kids who’d just woken up and stressed-out parents who even before they made it to work were worrying about everything they wouldn’t have a chance to get done before they had to rush back and pick up their kids on time. Everyone always in a breathless race, with the clock as their worst enemy.
Was it really supposed to be like this?
They walked through the doors and Kerstin came out from the play-room to meet them.
‘Hi Axel. Hi Eva.’
‘Hi.’
Axel didn’t reply but turned his back and stood there with his forehead pressed against the cabinet. She was grateful that it was Kerstin who greeted her today, because she was the one on the staff she knew best. Since Axel’s first day five years ago, Kerstin had worked as both day-care teacher and director, with an enthusiasm for her work that never flagged. Driven by devotion, as if she could change the world by constantly