Retief: The Star-Sent Knaves
by Keith Laumer
©2020 Positronic Publishing
The Star-Sent Knaves is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, locales or institutions is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission except for brief quotations for review purposes only.
ISBN 13: 978-1-5154-4573-9
Table of Contents
The Star-Sent Knaves
When the Great Galactic Union first encounters Earth ...is this what is going to happen?
I
Clyde W. Snithian was a bald eagle of a man, dark-eyed, pot-bellied, with the large, expressive hands of a rug merchant. Round-shouldered in a loose cloak, he blinked small reddish eyes at Dan Slane’s travel-stained six foot one.
“Kelly here tells me you’ve been demanding to see me.” He nodded toward the florid man at his side. He had a high, thin voice, like something that needed oiling. “Something about important information regarding safeguarding my paintings.”
“That’s right, Mr. Snithian,” Dan said. “I believe I can be of great help to you.”
“Help how? If you’ve got ideas of bilking me....” The red eyes bored into Dan like hot pokers.
“Nothing like that, sir. Now, I know you have quite a system of guards here—the papers are full of it—”
“Damned busybodies! Sensation-mongers! If it wasn’t for the press, I’d have no concern for my paintings today!”
“Yes sir. But my point is, the one really important spot has been left unguarded.”
“Now, wait a minute—” Kelly started.
“What’s that?” Snithian cut in.
“You have a hundred and fifty men guarding the house and grounds day and night—”
“Two hundred and twenty-five,” Kelly snapped.
“—but no one at all in the vault with the paintings,” Slane finished.
“Of course not,” Snithian shrilled. “Why should I post a man in the vault? It’s under constant surveillance from the corridor outside.”
“The Harriman paintings were removed from a locked vault,” Dan said. “There was a special seal on the door. It wasn’t broken.”
“By the saints, he’s right,” Kelly exclaimed. “Maybe we ought to have a man in that vault.”
“Another idiotic scheme to waste my money,” Snithian snapped. “I’ve made you responsible for security here, Kelly! Let’s have no more nonsense. And throw this nincompoop out!” Snithian turned and stalked away, his cloak flapping at his knees.
“I’ll work cheap,” Dan called after him as Kelly took his arm. “I’m an art lover.”
“Never mind that,” Kelly said, escorting Dan along the corridor. He turned in at an office and closed the door.
“Now, as the old buzzard said, I’m responsible for security here. If those pictures go, my job goes with them. Your vault idea’s not bad. Just how cheap would you work?”
“A hundred dollars a week,” Dan said promptly. “Plus expenses,” he added.
Kelly nodded. “I’ll fingerprint you and run a fast agency check. If you’re clean, I’ll put you on, starting tonight. But keep it quiet.”
*
Dan looked around at the gray walls, with shelves stacked to the low ceiling with wrapped paintings. Two three-hundred-watt bulbs shed a white glare over the tile floor, a neat white refrigerator, a bunk, an arm-chair, a bookshelf and a small table set with paper plates, plastic utensils and a portable radio—all hastily installed at Kelly’s order. Dan opened the refrigerator, looked over the stock of salami, liverwurst, cheese and beer. He opened a loaf of bread, built up a well-filled sandwich, keyed open a can of beer.
It wasn’t fancy, but it would do. Phase one of the plan had gone off without a hitch.
Basically, his idea was simple. Art collections had been disappearing from closely guarded galleries and homes all over the world. It was obvious that no one could enter a locked vault, remove a stack of large canvases and leave, unnoticed by watchful guards—and leaving the locks undamaged.
Yet the paintings were gone. Someone had been in those vaults—someone who hadn’t entered in the usual way.
Theory failed at that point; that left the experimental method. The Snithian collection was the largest west of the Mississippi. With such a target, the thieves were bound to show up. If Dan sat in the vault—day and night—waiting—he would see for himself how they operated.
He finished his sandwich, went to the shelves and pulled down one of the brown-paper bundles. Loosening the string binding the package, he slid a painting into view. It was a gaily colored view of an open-air cafe, with a group of men and women in gay-ninetyish costumes gathered at a table. He seemed to remember reading something about it in a magazine. It was a cheerful scene; Dan liked it. Still, it hardly seemed worth all the effort....
He went to the wall switch and turned off the lights. The orange glow of the filaments died, leaving only a faint illumination from the night-light over the door. When the thieves arrived, it might give him a momentary advantage if his eyes were adjusted to the dark. He groped his way to the bunk.
So far, so good, he reflected, stretching out. When they showed up, he’d have to handle everything just right. If he scared them off there’d be no second chance. He would have lost his crack at—whatever his discovery might mean to him.
But he was ready. Let them come.
*
Eight hours, three sandwiches and six beers later, Dan roused suddenly from a light doze and sat up on the cot. Between him and the crowded shelving, a palely luminous framework was materializing in mid-air.
The apparition was an open-work cage—about the size and shape of an out-house minus the sheathing, Dan estimated breathlessly. Two figures were visible within the structure, sitting stiffly in contoured chairs. They glowed, if anything, more brightly than the framework.
A faint sound cut into the stillness—a descending whine. The cage moved jerkily, settling toward the floor. Long blue sparks jumped, crackling, to span the closing gap; with a grate of metal, the cage settled against the floor. The spectral men reached for ghostly switches....
The glow died.
Dan was aware of his heart thumping painfully under his ribs. His mouth was dry. This was the moment he’d been planning for, but now that it was here—
Never mind. He took a deep breath, ran over the speeches he had prepared for the occasion:
Greeting, visitors from the Future....
Hopelessly corny. What about: Welcome to the Twentieth Century....
No good; it lacked spontaneity. The men were rising, their backs to Dan, stepping out of the skeletal frame. In the dim light it now looked like nothing more than a rough frame built of steel pipe, with a cluster of levers in a console before the two seats. And the thieves looked ordinary enough: Two men in gray coveralls, one slender and balding, the other shorter and