“Because of my type 2 diabetes, Julie and I can’t be sponta-neous anymore. Before we go out for the evening, we must plan everything around my eating schedule. If my blood glu-cose goes low, we can’t leave until I feel better. If my headache remains after treating my low, we’ll often cancel our plans alto-gether. How can she enjoy this? I sure don’t. If I ate less and exercised more, I wouldn’t have diabetes right now. My fam-ily says that I did this to myself, and I believe them. If I didn’t have diabetes, Julie and I could enjoy more activities together. Instead, I’ve ruined our lives. She should be with someone else.” —Rick
Impact of Guilt on Relationships
12Intimacy & Diabetes
You May Feel Afraid
You may have heard about complications, such as life expectancy con-cerns, heart disease, and more. The good news is that people who man-age their diabetes can reduce their risk of medical problems. Many live their entire lives without developing any issues at all. If you manage your diabetes well, you can enjoy the same life expectancy as people without diabetes.
Still, you may have some fears about intimacy. Perhaps you had a dif-ficult time achieving an erection, which happens to many men, and you fear that your “erection disappointment” will occur again. Or you are fe-male and felt pain during intercourse and are afraid to be intimate again. Your loved one may not understand these fears or may have worries of their own. Invite your partner to discuss these concerns using the com-munication tools in Chapter 7.
Your health care team is a great resource for information. Ask ques-tions, attend classes, review materials, and visit websites they recom-mend, such as diabetes.org. The Internet offers a lot of helpful details and support, but can also provide potentially dangerous information. Review advice you get from the Internet with your health care team before you try it, since it may not be appropriate for you.
You May Feel Angry
You didn’t invite diabetes into your life, so it’s no surprise that having it might cause you to feel angry or resentful. When you feel angry, you may develop what some experts call “hot brain.” That’s when you be-come emotionally reactive—your heart races, you think less clearly, you become less empathetic, and you can begin to panic.
While in “hot brain,” you are less likely to make good decisions. Imag-ine you were shopping in a lovely little boutique, then suddenly remem-bered that you had an appointment. You quickly ran out and found a parking ticket on the windshield of your car. How would you react? You wouldn’t stop and calmly think, “Oh, I wonder if the police officer was having a rough day and accidentally misread my parking meter.” Instead,
2. Diabetes and Your Feelings13
you would probably enter “hot brain” and become furious. You might even yell or forcibly throw your packages into the car.
When you start to enter “hot brain,” try one of more of the following behaviors to help yourself calm down:
Take a 20-minute break, or longer.
Breathe slowly.
Walk around.
Leave the room and do something that relaxes you. Do yoga, med-itate, listen to music, do a jigsaw puzzle, etc.
If you are arguing with your loved one, make an appointment to dis-cuss the issue after you both relax and are less likely to say or do some-thing hurtful. Don’t think about the distressing issue again until you meet. It might take several hours to fully calm down, so take your time. You may also feel angry if your partner transforms into a member of the “diabetes police” and becomes overprotective, critical, or unsupportive of your efforts to care for your diabetes.
Diabetes Police
Bill Polonksy, PhD, CDE, coined the term “diabetes police” in his book Diabetes Burnout. These are the folks who hover over you and cor-rect every diabetes-related move you make. Although their comments are usually motivated by a combination of love for you and fear for your health, their good intentions rarely come across and can cause you to become quite upset.
If your loved one has become a diabetes drill sergeant, try the following:
Share how you feel. If talking about this issue is difficult, use the communication tools in Chapter 7 to guide your discussion.
Attend a diabetes class or visit a reliable website together so you both have up-to-date information about how to care for diabetes. Often, partners will nag if they believe you aren’t caring for your diabetes properly or don’t take it seriously enough.
Visit your health care provider together so you both hear how to handle specific diabetes-related issues.
14Intimacy & Diabetes
Anger’s Positive Role
Anger can also motivate you to take better care of your health. Think of this emotion as the warning light on your car’s dashboard. When it lights up, it tells you that something needs attention. Take that warning to heart. After you take some time to become less reactive, address the anger-provoking problem with a clearer head.
“After I struggled to perform in bed several times with Dave, I was furious. I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. The very next day, I scheduled an appointment with my urologist to get some answers.” —Douglas
You May Feel Frustrated
Many people feel better when they share their struggle. If you feel frustrated, participate in a face-to-face or Internet-based group where you can voice your feelings and get support from others who have similar challenges. You can also write a “Dear Diabetes” letter. Don’t be shy—take out a piece of paper and tell your diabetes exactly how you feel (spelling and grammar don’t count!). Feel free to tear up the letter after you are done. This form of narrative therapy can help you release a lot of strong emotions, which may provide you with some relief.
If your frustration comes from a diabetes task you must do, try the following:
Speak to your diabetes educator or health care team.
Consider new devices that can help lessen the burden of glucose monitoring and insulin delivery. Maybe it is time to upgrade!
Reach out to others like you who can share different ways they do tasks that bother you.
Take a break from some of the diabetes duties you do each day. Review possible options with your health care team.
Change the timing of some of the things you do for your diabetes.
2. Diabetes and Your Feelings15
Ask for help from family and friends. Delegate some of your other responsibilities.
Speak to a mental health professional who can help you see your frustrating issues in a more positive way.
“My wife and I used to have a nice relationship. We disagreed now and then, but that happens in all marriages. When I devel-oped type 2 diabetes, Saundra’s attitude toward me changed dramatically. She started to nag me constantly about my weight. I tried to lose a few pounds, but really struggled with it. In her opinion, I was a failure. Her friend has type 2 also, but was able to lose weight and control it with diet and exercise. I couldn’t do it because I wasn’t trying hard enough. I hate her constant nagging. She turned into some sort of SWAT team that swoops in whenever I even think about taking a piece of chocolate. Maybe she’s correct—I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe I don’t care enough about my health and my family. When my diabetes educator asked if we were having any prob-lems in the bedroom, I had to laugh. We are so angry at each other that we now sleep in separate rooms.” —Christopher
Frustration From Attempted Weight Loss
You May Feel Rejected
Diabetes