Think for a minute about what you expect from yourself in terms of eating. And then think about what you expect from your clients or your colleagues or any other human that is not you. Notice anything? Do you believe your expectations are helping you, moving you further ahead? Is there room to close the gap a little there – between where you are and where you think you should be?
Here are few expectations that will serve you well in the process of creating your Owner’s Manual (and perhaps in the process of living in general):
Expect it to be difficult, uncomfortable, and to downright suck at times
Bring to mind something you’ve done that was difficult that you knew would be difficult. Perhaps you ran a race or signed up for a super intense workout at the gym. Or you started a new job or project that you knew would test your limits. Or you delivered a baby (that’s an easy pick if you have that one on your resume). Are you with me here?
Now think about something you‘ve done that was difficult, and you thought it wouldn’t be. Maybe you even thought it would be easy, and it ended up totally not being easy. How did you show up differently for the first difficult thing compared to the second? Both are difficult, but the expectations around each were different. How do you show up differently when you expect something to suck? When you sign on for it knowing it will suck?
I can hear you saying, “Okay, Irene, but some difficulties are more difficult than other difficulties.” And I get that; you’re right. Right now, where you are and the struggles you’re having are difficult, no question. Yet, suppose for a minute you believed you are exactly where you are meant to be. What if life is supposed to go like this? Exactly like this. If you changed the thought in your head about this hard thing from “This sucks, and it shouldn’t” to “This sucks, and it should,” how would you show up differently?
You know this, but I’m going to say it anyhow. Change requires discomfort. You cannot grow from a place of comfort. If you want change – which I know you do because you’re here – you can fight the discomfort, or you can expect that it is part of the process, lean in, and get it over with. You get to narrow that gap between how it is and how you think it should be by shifting your expectations. If you want to.
Expect to have blind spots
You have blind spots even though you don’t like to think you do. There are things about yourself that you can’t see, areas where your way of thinking prevents you from a complete and accurate view of reality, no matter how hard you try. It’s not special to you; blind spots are a human thing. Expecting that you can’t see it all and you can’t appreciate what you can’t see creates room to be open to observations and feedback from others in a new way. Feedback and outside eyes stop being something to fear and become something worth seeking out (if you really want to see the truth, that is).
This video called “It’s Not About the Nail” puts this concept on display in a fantastic (and hilarious) way https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg. Expect to have blind spots. Hold space for the idea that you may not see something that is plainly obvious to someone else. Not all feedback has the same weight or is deserving of your time, but seeking to understand what people in your life who truly have your best intentions at heart observe may save you from unnecessary struggle and pain and may strengthen pieces of your Owner’s Manual.
Expect to have control of your actions
It is easy to have faulty expectations around control. You live in a world that feeds the idea that you can and should take control of every aspect your life. The trouble is that can cause you to spend your precious time and energy in places that you cannot possibly, and will never, have control over.
Getting clear on your expectations around control will serve you well because you can choose to place your energy where it really can make a difference in your life. You can eliminate a large amount of unnecessary struggle that comes with trying to control things that are not yours to control. Here is an exercise to help you sort out which things to focus your energy the most.
Spheres of Control
On a blank piece of paper, draw three circles as follows:
1 1.A large circle filling most of the page. Label it “No control”
2 2.Inside that circle, draw a smaller circle. Label it “Some control.”
3 3.Inside the second circle, draw a third smaller circle. Label it “Total control”
Write in each circle, things in your life that fit each category. Things like the weather and traffic and what others think or say to you – many of the things that can cause you stress or suck your energy, are in the “No control” circle. Your thoughts, your schedule, everyday routines, may fall in the “Some Control” circle. Few things may fall in the total control circle but a key one does fall there – your actions. Humm…I wonder would happen if you channelled all of your “control” energy there?
Expect others’ expectations to masquerade as your own
You will feel the pull of the expectations of others (or social norms of the day). You already have your hands full shuffling and sorting the expectations you create for yourself; let them do the same with their own. When you identify an expectation, see if you can instantly decide if it really belongs with you. The Owner’s Manual process can help you move from using external drivers and rules to internal values and guidelines for your eating choices – if you let it. Clearing the expectations of others out of your path can help smooth the way.
Expect the expected unexpected
Surprise! You overate again at Thanksgiving dinner. Surprise! When you went into the break room on treat day, you ate two donuts and a brownie. Surprise! You’re eating every sugary carb you can get your hands on three days before your period starts. The realities you encounter are repetitive. Some repeat more frequently than others, but for the most part, there is more predictability in the unexpected than your brain allows you to believe there is. On one hand, you know these unexpected things are getting in the way of your goals. On the other hand, calling them unexpected means you get to be a victim to them and don’t have to expect yourself to do anything about them. It feels icky to acknowledge that, but as much as this hinders you, it also serves you, right? It means you cannot be held accountable to your actions. It is a kind way to give yourself an easy out – “I didn’t know!” “I was caught off guard.”
As you get curious in your Owner’s Manual process, get curious about the patterns in these unexpected realities of your life. Don’t allow yourself to be surprised and be victim to things that are not really a surprise at all. Get these things in your Owner’s Manual. Record how often they tend to happen. Look at how you’ve handled that (or other things like that) in the past and what worked and what didn’t. Practice pausing and making your action a choice, and see what happens. There is power in owning your choice even if that choice is to eat three donuts on treat day. So the next time it happens, instead of being all, “Oh my gosh! You won’t believe what happened!” be all, “There’s this thing again. I got this. I choose X this time.”
Expect that part of being human is dealing with B.S.
From a young age, you