In this chapter we’ll canvas the main reasons that twenty-something transitions come to feel like crises and the “syndromes” that result. Many times it boils down to expectations. Where do you find yourself in the kaleidoscope of experiences and stories below? Where are you in your journey? I can guarantee that for every story here, there are thousands of other twenty somethings who can relate.
“As a twenty something, I feel like I have the world at my fingertips, but I don’t know what to do with it all or any part of it.”
Consumer analyst, 23, dating, North Dakota
CHECKLISTERS AND PLANNERS
Do you live your life by a checklist? Have you developed a master plan that you pressure yourself to stick to? First high school, then college, then job, maybe grad school, then promotion, then relationship, then marriage, then buy a house, then have kids, then make X dollars by twenty-eight, and so on? A life goals checklist seems to come with an iPod these days — everyone has one. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why these checklists exist: expectations and uncertainty. Checklists and plans help us feel more secure and in control. But as a failed checklister, believe me, a checklist is not the recipe for success. In fact, it is more likely to whip up doubt and worry.
“CONFUSION AND ANXIOUSNESS” by Kaitlin, 21
DECLARATION: By trying to convince myself that my hardwork will result in a successful life in the future, I’m afraid thatI am truly missing out on my life right now.
I will be graduating from college this fall, and I am doing everything that was on my checklist to prepare me for a career. I have worked relentlessly to maintain my high GPA, take a full load of courses every semester, learn the necessary professional skills at my twenty-hour-a-week public relations internship, and work at a restaurant on the weekends. The word “exhaustion” might come to mind, but I continue to tell myself that it will all pay off in the years to come — this is what I am “supposed” to do. But what if it doesn’t? What if after graduation, I get the job that I think I want, yet face the disappointment of feeling unhappy with my career choice when I thought I had it all figured out in college? I have these great expectations to be a successful public relations executive in a big city, with the corner office and spectacular view, have great friends, and maybe even a boyfriend. But how do I know what I really want?
I cannot help but feel like by putting all of my focus on my professional goals, I will one day regret not experiencing other aspects of life. I could reflect on my college experience as a time of fleeting independence, or I could choose to see the reality of my situation and look back on four years without a solid relationship, very few nights out with my girlfriends, and all-nighters spent studying for a morning exam.
My stress is perpetuated by my checklist of long-term goals and aspirations, and the pressure I exert upon myself to achieve them all. In what seems like a pretty early start for a twenty-something crisis, I can only hope to persevere by holding on to my ambition and being confident that my life will be all that I hope it will be.
Take Anxiety and Regret and Shove It . . . into the Present!
Anxiety (anticipation about something yet to happen) lives in the future; depression (sadness over things that you did or didn’t do) signs a lease in the past. That is why, if you are a checklister, you probably suffer from a mixed bag of anxiety and depression. Checklisters and planners are consumed with worry about achieving everything on their list and then heavy with regret as they think about things they are missing out on.
“Having it all” is a common desire for checklisters. We grow up hearing that if we apply ourselves, we can get anything we want. So we put everything we want into our life goals list. I believe having it all at once is a myth — but you can have it all at different times in your life. The problem is, twenty somethings get so obsessed about the future that they overextend themselves and burn out by trying to accomplish all their goals right now.
If you are an anxious and confused checklister, get into the present! Be proud of your accomplishments and also have some fun. Go out with friends, have a social life, and take some pressure off. Consider this statement from a twenty-one-year-old about to graduate from college, “College should be a time of self-discovery; the years that shape who you are and who you want to be in life.” Do you agree? I do, but I would add that self-discovery is a curriculum for life, not just college. It’s true that college shapes you, but it provides just some of the clay you will mold into your life. Don’t worry if college does not answer “who I am and what I want to be”; it probably won’t, not completely and forever. Take college for what it is, a piece of the ongoing puzzle of who you are.
“The most difficult thing about being a twenty something is that even with all your plans, there are no guarantees. You are not guaranteed a job after college, you are not guaranteed friends if you move to a new place, you are not guaranteed a passionate career, you are not guaranteed a loving partner. You have to go out and create all this or at least hold the thought that it will all happen.”
Program developer, 28, engaged, California
Living by a checklist and planning is actually a lot easier in college when the goal line is clearer and the timeline is shorter — graduate, get a job, find a place to live, and so on. But after college, and as your twenties continue, not only do the goals get bigger and more complicated, but you may find you don’t even know what to plan for. A twenty-one-year-old confesses, “Being a planner and one who has always ‘known’ what I would do with my life, the deep sense of not knowing what is ahead for me is so hard to deal with. It’s not that I don’t think I could accomplish my goals; it’s that I am not sure if I am willing to work toward something I’m not sure is even what I really want.” This quandary is incredibly difficult for planners. We love to plan, but we don’t know what to plan for. The solution? Less planning and more investigation of the questions of the Twenties Triangle (which we’ll cover in part 2).
THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY PARALYSIS
Welcome to my first and perhaps most infamous analogy: “Life is like the Cheesecake Factory.” If you have ever been to the Cheese-cake Factory, you’ll get this analogy. If you have not had the delectable dining privilege of this chain restaurant, let me explain: you sit down and the host hands you the menu, which is like a book — it has a spiral. There are 167 items to choose from and that is not including drinks, sides, and more than 20 types of cheesecake. Upon my first visit, I was immediately stressed out. First of all, the menu was heavy. Second, I felt like I needed an hour to read through all my options — there were too many things to decide among: from pizzas to salads to fish to pasta to burgers, every type of food seemed to be somehow represented (and I hadn’t even gotten to the cheesecakes yet). How was I supposed to pick just one dish? What was the best thing? As everyone else around me ordered, I became even more anxious — should I get what someone else was having? Would it be better than what I thought I wanted?
“There are so many options open to one at this time of life. With the way the world is today, we are encouraged to be all we can be, and more. There is pressure to make decisions that will form the foundation for the rest of your life in your twenties. It’s almost as if having a range of limited options would be easier.”
Human resources employee, 24, recovering from a breakup, Virginia
Finally, I did choose something — after asking the waiter an incessant series of questions about menu options (how in the world do they memorize it?). As soon as the waiter walked away with my order, I immediately felt buyer’s remorse. Did I pick right? As the food was delivered to the table, I looked at everyone else’s choices