“Duck hunters have learned to expect the worst. Even though the TV weathercaster has confidently promised a Saskatchewan Screamer bringing cold Canadian air, blustery winds and, probably, driving huge flight of late Bluebill before it, duck hunters go forth in pre-dawn November mornings expecting a day of calm, warm, bluebird weather.
“Turkey hunters, on the other hand, are always ready to experience the cold and the rain that keep them inside the cabin and the turkeys hunkered down, unmoving in the thickest of cover.” (Now I know what happened in Missouri.) “Only the most naïve hunter expects a weatherman to tell the truth.
“Hunters know the elements and the fates conspire against him. The smarter ones avoid the disappointments by expecting their forays to end in disaster or, at best, discomfort. Thus insulated, misfortune brings no disappointment and their occasional successes bring them great satisfaction. That is the reason for the truism; ‘All hunting trips are good. Some are better than others’.
“This does not mean the hunting fraternity sails through life without problems. I have been visited by bitter disappointment more than once. I embarked upon the sea of matrimony, expecting a calm and serene voyage. Soon buffeted by blackened skies, gale force winds and steep, angry swells, I suffered violent mal de mer.
“You may not believe this, but in my youth I harbored the insane expectation that the printed word was accurate. The particular text I have in mind appears on page 163 of the 1966 edition of The New Hunter’s Encyclopedia. I still remember it: ‘Experts claim that a skunk can be captured without danger of ejection if the tail is grasped and held down, possibly on the theory that the animal will not foul its own tail.’ I vividly recall my extreme disappointment when I tested the theory.
“To avoid the destroyed hope which, surely, will result if you believe newspapers or any written publication, I suggest you begin by refusing to read the Congressional Record. Personally, I’m never surprised by those in political office. I expect so little of them there is no outrage they can commit that might cause me to be disappointed in them.
“But you, Counselor, live in a lawyer’s world. You are constantly involved in planning to bamboozle judges, mislead juries, outwit tax collectors, and starve widows and orphans through manipulation of Spendthrift Trust provisions. What great expectations all of you must have. But, in every case, one lawyer wins and one lawyer loses. That means half the lawyers must be terribly disappointed when justice triumphs.”
Peabody set his empty glass on the stand beside his chair and prepared to rise. “As I said, disappointment is the product of improper expectation. For example, during last night’s unfortunate experience at the poker table, I was sustained by the knowledge that you fully expected to invite me to dinner. It is an entirely proper expectation and I won’t disappoint you.”
We went to Major Peabody’s favorite restaurant.
Women’s Rights
Never let it be said Major Nathaniel lacks proper respect for the female of the species. He neither derides their abilities nor considers them to be inferior to the male animal in any way. Frankly, I believe he is just a bit afraid of them. (Personally, I think men have good reason to be afraid of women.) His attitude may have been formed by the experiences he amassed during his short term marriage.
The Major’s election never to re-marry supports my thesis. I believe he fears a wife might insist he become a better man and change what she would most probably consider to be his errant way of life It almost happened during his first venture into what turned out to be a very stormy relationship.
During the marriage, Peabody’s Lefever 20 ga. gathered dust and complained of disuse. The Major was forced to start a savings account. In spite of the fact of his careful cleaning of the necklace after he retrieved it, his then wife insisted he get rid of his dog just because it had eaten that favorite bit of her jewelry. After the divorce Peabody felt like a slave who had been liberated. Undoubtedly, his ex felt the same way.
This does not mean the Major dislikes women. On the contrary, he enjoys their presence, but he has adopted the classic position enunciated by William Claude Dunkenfield who claimed: “A woman is like an elephant. I like to look at them but I wouldn’t want to own one.”
Major Peabody believes in the equality of the sexes. He treats women in the same way he treats his male associates. This gets him into serious trouble with some members of the opposing sex, but others enjoy his fairness and his company. A case in point is the desirable and somewhat unattainable, lovely Stephanie.
The lovely Stephanie’s family and the Peabody family have been friends for generations and she and I have been affianced for over five years. She is intelligent, independent and very committed to the causes of Women’s Rights. It is her insistence on independence which has, I believe, delayed any formal ceremony legalizing our union. I’m sure she believes marriage amounts to some sort of surrender.
It was Major Peabody who was instrumental in first bringing us together. He had been invited to participate in a Western Hemisphere shotgunning expedition. It was to start with goose shooting in Greenland and then move south to Labrador for duck. The succeeding stops were: Upper Michigan for Ruffed Grouse, Iowa for pheasant, Mexico and Colombia for dove, Uruguay for Perdiz, Argentina for goose, and then back to Philadelphia for recuperation.
The mere thought of such an expedition was enough to cause Major Peabody to salivate. It was a once-in-a-lifetime hunt and he intended to participate. Of course, it was a very expensive undertaking. Of course, the Major had no backlog of funds available to support the costs of the five week project. When he asked for an advance from his Spendthrift Trust, of course, I had to again show him the terms of the Agreement which specifically allowed no advances of any sort.
Peabody reacted by contacting the lovely Stephanie for advice on how to convince me to allow advance payments of his monthly stipends. The lovely Stephanie and I met to confer prior to the initiation of legal action. The contractual limitations on Peabody’s ability to get early distributions as well as the rights of the residual beneficiaries and my duty to protect the trust corpus were explained. I gave the lovely Stephanie a copy of the trust instrument.
After studying it, her attorneys concluded the document was carefully drafted and contained no loopholes through which Peabody could squeeze. The Major’s attempt at legal action ended before it began. It also began my personal association with the lovely Stephanie. It has never ended (though, some of my friends believe it never really started.).
In spite of the (to him) disagreeable conclusion of his threatened lawsuit, Major Peabody, the lovely Stephanie and I remain good friends. Occasionally, the Major invites both of us to dinner at Bookbinders. Those invitations are usually extended during the last week of a month when Peabody is short of cash.
Privately, the lovely Stephanie tells me how much she appreciates the fact that Major Peabody does not insult her by adopting the male chauvinist insistence on grabbing the check. He allows her to pick up the bill. (In deference to maintaining my reputation with other customers who may be watching, the lovely Stephanie graciously allows me to pay the bill.)
The lovely Stephanie also appreciates the Major’s sensitivity to other important issues of the Women’s Rights movement. I’ve heard him tell her the women’s tees at the golf courses should be destroyed since they suggest an inequality between the sexes. I’ve heard him tell her the popular trout fisherman’s artificial fly should be re-named The Royal Coachperson. I’ve heard him tell her the Federal Department of Interior’s Fish and Game people should be chastised for assigning 25 points to the drake Mallard and only fifteen to the hen.
If the lovely Stephanie has a minor flaw detracting from her perfection, it might be her strident attitude in regard to matters concerning women’s rights and the equality of the sexes. Though the thought has occurred to me, I’ve never had the courage to suggest the Major might be putting her on.
I’ve