‘What’s wrong with that? I love Amber and want what’s best, and I know that if I don’t watch out for her then something bad can happen. Look where we are today.’
‘That has nothing to do with you not looking out for Amber. You left her in the care of my stepfather, who is a retired medic, and he saw the signs and brought her straight to hospital.’
‘But I should have been there.’
‘Why? What possible difference would it have made?’
‘Because it’s what Ruby would have wanted and what she would have done. She would have been there. She wouldn’t have run off to the bush and slept with a man she barely knew.’
‘Stop trying to live your life as if you were Ruby. She was a wonderful woman and my brother loved her. But you’re not her. You’re an amazing woman in your own right. You have to stop living your life in the shadow of someone else.’
‘I’m not now, nor was I ever amazing,’ she told him. ‘I was shallow and didn’t take life seriously. Hardly admirable qualities and definitely not good enough for Amber. She deserves so much more.’
‘Having fun and loving life is not shallow in my book,’ he told her as he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. ‘What Amber deserves is to know the real Jade. To see that the woman who willingly and selflessly put her life on hold to take care of her niece is not a serious, staid old spinster. Since when does having fun and living life make you less admirable? You didn’t hesitate to take on the role of bringing up your niece so I think that makes you extraordinary and you need to stop judging yourself. No one else is. You’re the judge and jury.’
‘But Ruby was sensible and sweet and a warm and wonderful wife and homebody.’
‘And you’re not Ruby.’
‘She was my sister and I can be like her. I owe it to Amber to be like her mother.’ Jade knew even as she said it that it wasn’t true. She was nothing like Ruby and that was what troubled her most. How could she be everything Amber needed if she wasn’t like her sister?
‘Were you ever looking for a man like David?’
‘That question is so wrong,’ she snapped. ‘David was my sister’s husband and he’s dead. How can you ask that question?’
‘It’s not wrong. It goes to prove my point. Would you have ever seen a future with a man like my brother before the accident?’
‘He was stable and considerate …’
‘Was he your type before you became Amber’s guardian?’
‘No, he was Ruby’s type.’
‘Then stop trying to be Ruby. You’re a wonderful person, Jade, and you should let Amber and the rest of the world see the woman who is hidden inside this shell.’
‘But I was irresponsible and crazy and nothing close to what Amber needs.’
‘No, you weren’t, you aren’t and you never could be,’ he insisted. ‘You stepped up and became the best parent that Amber could hope for while you were still the old Jade. The accident didn’t give you time to reinvent yourself. You instantly and without hesitation did what you knew you had to do for your niece. And it was what you wanted to do. Nobody had to force you to do it. Dressing and behaving in a way that mimics your sister isn’t going to bring her back or make you a better person.’
‘But you didn’t know me then, so you can’t pass that judgement.’
‘I know you now. I know the real you. The woman who was saving those babies then climbing rocks and then sharing a makeshift bed in that tent with me. That was the real Jade.’
‘Amber loves me the way I am now …’
‘Amber loves the woman who would give her life to make her happy, the woman who has that little girl in her heart so deeply that she is a part of her, but she would love you no matter what the packaging. You don’t need to be someone else to have her love.’
‘But her respect as she grows older is just as important.’
‘Do you honestly think that a teenager is going to be able to relate to her maiden aunt looking and behaving like she stepped from a nineteenth-century novel?’
‘I hardly dress or behave like that.’
‘Jade,’ he said as his fingers softly moved the stray wisps of hair from her fringe, ‘you are behaving exactly like that. I’m not asking you to be someone you’re not, I’m asking you to be exactly who you are. A passionate, fun-loving woman who will raise Amber to be the best she can be and allow her to have fun and experience life at the same time. Not someone who will make her fear her own shadow.’
Jade flinched then moved her head away. ‘But what if something happens to her along the way? What if she’s hurt because I allow her to take a risk, to live life the way I did?’
Mitchell looked into the eyes of the woman he knew had crept into his heart. ‘You are here, you are alive, despite the fun you had. Ruby and David were cautious and safe and they are not here to raise Amber. I’m not judging them, they lived life the way they wanted to, but it shows that you can’t guarantee a long and healthy future by being pedestrian about life choices. Sure, you don’t make ridiculous choices that will put you in harm’s way but I don’t think surfing or a spin on a motorbike or a Ferris wheel ride are called dangerous by definition.’
‘But Amber was admitted to hospital while I was away … with you. Walking in the bush and then sleeping together.’
‘Yes, while you were away with me, not because you were away.’
‘That’s the same thing,’ she argued.
‘Not even close,’ he returned. ‘You did nothing to cause Amber to be admitted. That was decided at conception. Genetics delivered her prognosis and now she needs a donor. It’s earlier than her doctor had envisaged, and earlier than any of us imagined. But you can’t take any blame for that, neither can I, or anyone in this world. It’s the hand that Amber was dealt and we will do our best to turn it around. And I want us to do it together.’
‘But I need to behave in a way that will make Amber proud of me and look at me the way she would have looked at her mother. I took that away from her when I sent her parents on that holiday and now I need to make it up to her. Somehow I need to make sure that Amber doesn’t miss out on the upbringing that Ruby and David would have provided if I hadn’t …’
‘Hadn’t what?’ he cut in angrily. ‘Caused the accident? But you didn’t, Jade. You weren’t the cause, it was some idiot on the 101 who caused the pile-up and the deaths of innocent people but you were not that person. You generously paid for a holiday for my brother and your sister and they both died. But you were not responsible.’
‘You’re just trying to make me feel better, but I know the truth and I will spend my life making it up to Amber and trying to be as close as I can to the mother that she will never know.’
‘So you’d rather be a poor impersonation of Ruby than a brilliant version of you?’
‘It’s not like that,’ she retorted, tears spilling down her face. ‘I know that if I hadn’t suggested the trip they would still be here today to raise Amber a certain way, and that’s just what I’m doing.’
‘That argument doesn’t hold any water for me,’ he said, holding her shoulders with his hands and forcing her to look into his eyes. ‘We don’t know what might have happened and whether they would still be alive now or not. Perhaps it was not their destiny to raise Amber. Maybe that was always going to be your role. Perhaps even my role too. Who knows? But we can’t change the past. We can just build on what we have. Don’t sell Amber short. Let her see the awesome woman you are, not some poor version of her mother.’