“When we gets over to the canteen that night everybody was tryin’ to show off.
“Spud comes strollin’ up to where me an’ Nobby was sittin’.
“‘Ullo, Nob,’ ‘e sez.
“‘Ullo!’ sez Nobby; ‘what do you want, funny face?’
“Spud sits down alongside of me an’ Nobby.
“‘Talkin’ about the Crimea—’ ‘e sez, like a chap sayin’ a piece.
“‘I wasn’t talkin’ about the Crimea,’ sez Nobby.
“‘Ave” you ever noticed that a great strategic opportunity was lost—’
“Nobby puts down the can ‘e was drinkin’ out of.
“‘‘Old ‘ard,’ ‘e sez. I think I grasp your meanin’, Spud. You’re referrin’, unless I am mistaken, to the time when the garrison artillery didn’t start workin’ their ‘ydraulics in a proper manner.’
“‘No, I ain’t,’ snaps Spud. I’m talkin’ about the tactics in the Crimea.’
“‘An’ I’m talkin’ about ‘ydraulics,’ sez Nobby, as calm as a cucumber, ‘becos that’s the book that I’m a-readin’.’
“It was pretty sickenin’,” explained Smithy, “wot with George Botter tryin’ to pretend ‘e knew all about Afghanistan, an’ ‘Appy Johnson wantin’ to make bets about who was the first colonel of the Anchesters. Mouldy Thompson got to ‘igh words with a driver of the A.S.C. about the Army Service Corps.
“‘I suppose you don’t know, Cocky,’ sez Mouldy to this chap, ‘that the old A.S.C. used to be called the Muck Train?’
“‘No, I don’t,’ sez the A.S.C. chap nastily, ‘an’ wot’s more, I don’t see no call to go makin’ personal remarks.’
“‘Where no offence is meant, it is ‘oped that no offence will be took,’ sez Mouldy. ‘Well, as I was sayin’, the Muck Train—’
“‘Shut up,’ sez the A.S.C. chap, ‘or ‘I’ll shut you up.’
“Just before ‘fust post’ me an’ Nobby was sittin’ in the corner talkin’ about ‘ydraulics and drink, when in come Gus Ward of the R.A.M.C.
“Up goes Mouldy to ‘im as pleased as anything.
“‘D’you know what they call the Medical Staff?’ sez Mouldy.
“The medical bloke looks over ‘is pot an’ sez nothin’.”
“They call ’em the “Linseed Lancers,”’ sez Mouldy, laughin’.
“The medical finished ‘is beer, puts down ‘is pot, and sez to Mouldy:
“‘Do you know what I call you?’ ‘e sez.
“‘Don’t be naaty,’ sez Mouldy; ‘this is in a book.
“‘In a book, is it?’ sez the medical. ‘Well, you homoeopathic, subcutaneous mnemonic, what I’m going to call you won’t be found in any book.’
“So then the medical chap started callin’ Mouldy all the things ‘e could remember at the minute, an’ finished up with a few words out of the sick report.
“You must understand,” explained Smithy, “that all the bloomin’ battalion was on the same lay. There they was the next afternoon lyin’ in their cots a readin’ an’ a mutterin’ an’ gettin’ ready to show off.
“Wastin’ their time” — Smithy was indignan— “an’ well knowin’ that we ‘aven’t got a decent bowler in the regiment. I didn’t see anything of Nobby till I went over to the canteen that night. Everybody was talkin’ about everything — all talkin’ together. Suddenly I ‘eard Nobby’s voice:
“‘No, you’re wrong, Mouldy,’ ‘e sez; ‘you’re wrong about the artillery.’
“‘Wrong!’ sez Mouldy, very indignant; ‘‘ow do you know?’
“‘Because I do,’ sez Nobby, ‘an’ what’s more, Spud Murphy’s wrong about the army in the Crimea, an’ George Botter’s talkin’ through ‘is ‘at about Afghanistan, an’ Dusty Miller’s silly when ‘e sez that Athens is in Germany (Dusty got a book on the decay of the classy or somethin’ of the sort), an’ when Billy Mason gits up an’ talks about Africa — I’ve got a word to say.’
“An’ with that old Nobby starts to criticise everybody, not confinin’ hisself to ‘ydraulics, you understand, but goin’ all over the shop.
“Bimeby, old Spud Murphy, who’d been dazed by Nobby tellin’ ‘im a lot about the battle of Alma, strikes ‘is for’ead an’ shouts:
“‘Old ‘ard, Nobby — I see your little game — it’s A’s what your talkin’ about.’
“‘What d’ye mean?’ sez Nobby, goin’ red.
“‘Why,’ sez Spud, excited, ‘you’re talkin’ about Abukir an’ Abyssinia an’ adjutants an’ ants — they’re all A’s,’ roars Spud.
“‘Well,’ sez Nobby, ‘wot about it?’
“‘Ask ‘im a C question, somebody,’ shouts Spud, gleeful.
“‘Wot about crocodiles?’ sez Dusty.
“Crocodiles an’ alligators are all the same,’ sez Nobby. ‘Everybody knows that.’
“‘‘Ear, ‘ear,’ I sez; an’ the other chaps said the same.
“‘Well,’ sez Spud, thinkin’, ‘I’ll give you a “M” — wot about monkeys?’
“Nobby thought a bit.
“‘Apes,’ ‘e begins, ‘was first invented—’ ‘Monkeys!’ sez Spud.
“‘Apes an’ monkeys are all the same,’ sez Nobby.
“‘Well, tell us somethin’ about Colonels — that’s a C,’ sez Spud, who was gettin’ wild.
“It took Nobby a long time to think this out, then ‘e starts:
“‘Adjutants was first invented—’
“‘I thought so,’ sez Spud, joyful. ‘P’raps you’ll tell me when ‘Cyclopaedias was invented — fortnightly ‘cyclopedias, wot you buy for sevenpence,’ sez Spud.
“An’ Nobby looked quite uncomfortable.”
7. Bertie
“You don’t ‘appen to know our Bertie, do you?” asked Private Smith; “‘E’s a new chap only just joined from the depot: ‘ighly educated an’ all that: one of the struck-pa-with-a-roll-of-music-and-enlisted sort of fellows.”
Smithy paused to ruminate upon the accomplished Bertie.
“I’ve ‘eard ‘im use words that wasn’t in any dictionary,” Smithy continued with enthusiasm, “an’ ‘e’s settled arguments we’ve ‘ad in the canteen without so much as lookin’ in a book.
“There was a bit of a friendly discussion the other night about ‘ow much alch’ol there