“We come back at last to my question,” said Verrall, softly; “what are we to do?”
“Part,” I said. “You see, Nettie, these bodies of ours are not the bodies of angels. They are the same bodies — — — I have read somewhere that in our bodies you can find evidence of the lowliest ancestry; that about our inward ears — I think it is — and about our teeth, there remains still something of the fish, that there are bones that recall little — what is it? — marsupial forebears — and a hundred traces of the ape. Even your beautiful body, Nettie, carries this taint. No! Hear me out.” I leant forward earnestly. “Our emotions, our passions, our desires, the substance of them, like the substance of our bodies, is an animal, a competing thing, as well as a desiring thing. You speak to us now a mind to minds — one can do that when one has had exercise and when one has eaten, when one is not doing anything — but when one turns to live, one turns again to matter.”
“Yes,” said Nettie, slowly following me, “but you control it.”
“Only through a measure of obedience. There is no magic in the business — to conquer matter, we must divide the enemy, and take matter as an ally. Nowadays it is indeed true, by faith a man can remove mountains; he can say to a mountain, Be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea; but he does it because he helps and trusts his brother men, because he has the wit and patience and courage to win over to his side iron, steel, obedience, dynamite, cranes, trucks, the money of other people… . To conquer my desire for you, I must not perpetually thwart it by your presence; I must go away so that I may not see you, I must take up other interests, thrust myself into struggles and discussions — — — “
“And forget?” said Nettie.
“Not forget,” I said; “but anyhow — cease to brood upon you.”
She hung on that for some moments.
“No,” she said, demolished her last pattern and looked up at Verrall as he stirred.
Verrall leant forward on the table, elbows upon it, and the fingers of his two hands intertwined.
“You know,” he said, “I haven’t thought much of these things. At school and the university, one doesn’t… . It was part of the system to prevent it. They’ll alter all that, no doubt. We seem” — he thought — “to be skating about over questions that one came to at last in Greek — with variorum readings — in Plato, but which it never occurred to any one to translate out of a dead language into living realities… .” He halted and answered some unspoken question from his own mind with, “No. I think with Leadford, Nettie, that, as he put it, it is in the nature of things for men to be exclusive… . Minds are free things and go about the world, but only one man can possess a woman. You must dismiss rivals. We are made for the struggle for existence — we ARE the struggle for existence; the things that live are the struggle for existence incarnate — and that works out that the men struggle for their mates; for each woman one prevails. The others go away.”
“Like animals,” said Nettie.
“Yes… .”
“There are many things in life,” I said, “but that is the rough universal truth.”
“But,” said Nettie, “you don’t struggle. That has been altered because men have minds.”
“You choose,” I said.
“If I don’t choose to choose?”
“You have chosen.”
She gave a little impatient “Oh! Why are women always the slaves of sex? Is this great age of Reason and Light that has come to alter nothing of that? And men too! I think it is all — stupid. I do not believe this is the right solution of the thing, or anything but the bad habits of the time that was… Instinct! You don’t let your instincts rule you in a lot of other things. Here am I between you. Here is Edward. I — love him because he is gay and pleasant, and because — because I LIKE him! Here is Willie — a part of me — my first secret, my oldest friend! Why must I not have both? Am I not a mind that you must think of me as nothing but a woman? imagine me always as a thing to struggle for?” She paused; then she made her distressful proposition to me. “Let us three keep together,” she said. “Let us not part. To part is hate, Willie. Why should we not anyhow keep friends? Meet and talk?”
“Talk?” I said. “About this sort of thing?”
I looked across at Verrall and met his eyes, and we studied one another. It was the clean, straight scrutiny of honest antagonism. “No,” I decided. “Between us, nothing of that sort can be.”
“Ever?” said Nettie.
“Never,” I said, convinced.
I made an effort within myself. “We cannot tamper with the law and customs of these things,” I said; “these passions are too close to one’s essential self. Better surgery than a lingering disease! From Nettie my love — asks all. A man’s love is not devotion — it is a demand, a challenge. And besides” — and here I forced my theme — “I have given myself now to a new mistress — and it is I, Nettie, who am unfaithful. Behind you and above you rises the coming City of the World, and I am in that building. Dear heart! you are only happiness — and that — — — Indeed that calls! If it is only that my life blood shall christen the foundation stones — I could almost hope that should be my part, Nettie — I will join myself in that.” I threw all the conviction I could into these words… . “No conflict of passion.” I added a little lamely, “must distract me.”
There was a pause.
“Then we must part,” said Nettie, with the eyes of a woman one strikes in the face.
I nodded assent… .
There was a little pause, and then I stood up. We stood up, all three. We parted almost sullenly, with no more memorable words, and I was left presently in the arbor alone.
I do not think I watched them go. I only remember myself left there somehow — horribly empty and alone. I sat down again and fell into a deep shapeless musing.
Section 5
Suddenly I looked up. Nettie had come back and stood looking down at me.
“Since we talked I have been thinking,” she said. “Edward has let me come to you alone. And I feel perhaps I can talk better to you alone.”
I said nothing and that embarrassed her.
“I don’t think we ought to part,” she said.
“No — I don’t think we ought to part,” she repeated.
“One lives,” she said, “in different ways. I wonder if you will understand what I am saying, Willie. It is hard to say what I feel. But I want it said. If we are to part for ever I want it said — very plainly. Always before I have had the woman’s instinct and the woman’s training which makes one hide. But — — — Edward is not all of me. Think of what I am saying — Edward is not all of me… . I wish I could tell you better how I see it. I am not all of myself. You, at any rate, are a part of me and I cannot bear to leave you. And I cannot see why I should leave you. There is a sort of blood link between us, Willie. We grew together. We are in one another’s bones. I understand you. Now indeed I understand. In some way I have come to an understanding at a stride. Indeed I understand you and your dream. I want to help you. Edward — Edward has no dreams… . It is dreadful