However I got over that after a time, though I was a long while before I did so; but at the same time I was very weak, and the surgeon said that had I been a little longer without assistance, or had I not thrown it up, I must have sunk beneath the effects of a violent poison.
He advised my parents to take some measures to ascertain who it was that had administered the poison to me; but though they promised compliance, they never troubled themselves about it - but I was for a long time very cautious of what I took, and was in great fear of the food that was given to me.
However, nothing more of that character took place, and at length I quite recovered, and began to think in my own mind that I ought to take some active steps in the matter, and that I ought to seek an asylum elsewhere.
I was now nearly fifteen years of age, and could well see how inveterate was the dislike with which I was regarded by my family: I thought that they ought to use me better, for I could remember no
cause for it. I had given no deadly offence, nor was there any motive why I should be treated thus with neglect and disdain.
It was, then, a matter of serious consideration with me as to whether I should not go and throw myself upon the protection of some friend, and beg their interference in my behalf; but then there was no one whom I felt would do so much for me - no one from whom I expected so great an act of friendship.
It was hardly to be expected from anyone that they should interfere between me and my parents; they would have had their first say, and I should have contradicted all said, and should have appeared in a very bad light indeed.
I could not say they had neglected my education - I could not say that, because there I had been careful myself, and I had assiduously striven when alone to remedy this defect, and had actually succeeded; so that, if I were examined, I should have denied my own assertions by contrary facts, which would injure me. Then again, if I were neglected, I could not prove any injury, because I had all the means of existence; and all I could say would be either attributed to some evil source, or it was entirely false - but at the same time I felt I had great cause of complaint, and none of gratitude.
I could hold no communion with anyone - all alike deserted me, and I knew none who could say aught for me if I requested their goodwill.
I had serious thoughts of possessing myself of some money, and then leaving home, and staying away until I had arrived at age; but this I deferred doing, seeing that there was no means, and I could not do more than I did then - that is, to live on without any mischief happening, and wait for a few years more.
I contracted an acquaintance with a young man who came to visit my father - he came several times, and paid me more civility and attention than anyone else ever did, and I felt that he was the only friend I possessed.
It is no wonder I looked upon him as being my best and my only friend. I thought him the best and the handsomest man I ever beheld.
This put other thoughts into my head. I did not dress as others did, much less had I the opportunity of becoming possessed of many of those little trinkets that most young women of my age had.
But this made no alteration in the good opinion of the young gentleman, who took no notice of that, but made me several pretty presents.
These were treasures to me, and I must say I gloated over them, and often, when alone, I have spent hours in admiring them; trifling as they were, they made me happier. I knew now one person who cared for me, and a delightful feeling it was too. I shall never know it again - it is quite impossible.
Here among the dark walls and unwholesome cells we have no cheering ray of life or hope - all is dreary and cold; a long and horrible imprisonment takes place, to which there is no end save with life, and in which there is not one mitigating circumstance - all is bad and dark. God help me!
* * * * *
However, my dream of happiness was soon disturbed. By some means my parents had got an idea of this, and the young man was dismissed the house, and forbidden to come to it again. This he determined to do, and more than once we met, and then in secret I told him all my woes.
When he had heard all I had said, he expressed the deepest commiseration, and declared I had been most unjustly and harshly treated, and thought that there was not a harder or harsher treatment than that which I had received.
He then advised me to leave home.
'Leave home,' I said; 'where shall I fly? I have no friend.'
'Come to me, I will protect you, I will stand between you and all the world; they shall not stir hand or foot to your injury.'
'But I cannot, dare not do that; if they found me out, they would force me back with all the ignominy and shame that could be felt from having done a bad act; not any pity would they show me.'
'Nor need you; you would be my wife, I mean to make you my wife.'
'You?'
'Yes! I dreamed not of anything else. You shall be my wife; we will hide ourselves, and remain unknown to all until the time shall have arrived when you are of age - when you can claim all your property, and run no risk of being poisoned or killed by any other means.'
'This is a matter,' said I, 'that ought to be considered well before adopting anything as violent or so sudden.'
'It is; and it is not one that I think will injure by being reflected upon by those who are the principal actors; for my own part my mind is made up, and I am ready to perform my share of the engagement.'
I resolved to consider the matter well in my own mind, and felt every inclination to do what he proposed, because it took me away from home, and because it would give me one of my own.
My parents had become utterly estranged from me; they did not ~ct as parents, they did not act as friends, they had steeled my heart against them; they never could have borne any love to me, I am sure of it, who could have committed such great crimes against me.
As the hour drew near, that in which I was likely to become an object of still greater hatred and dislike to them, I thought I was often the subject of their private thoughts, and often when I entered the room my mother, and father, and the rest, would suddenly leave off speaking, and look at me, as if to ascertain if I had ever heard them say anything. On one occasion I remember very well I heard them conversing in a low tone. The door happened to have opened of itself, the hasp not having been allowed to enter the mortice; I heard my name mentioned: I paused and listened.
'We must soon get rid of her,' said my mother.
'Undoubtedly,' he replied; 'if we do not, we shall have her about our ears: she'll get married, or some infernal thing, and then we shall have to refund.'
'We could prevent that.'
'Not if her husband was to insist upon it, we could not; but the only plan I can now form is what I told you of already.'
'Putting her in a madhouse?'
'Yes: there, you see, she will be secured, and cannot get away. Besides, those who go there die in a natural way before many years.'
'But she can speak.'
'So she may; but who attends to the ravings of a mad woman? No, no; depend upon it that is the best plan: send her to a lunatic asylum - a private madhouse. I can obtain all that is requisite in a day or two.'
'Then we will consider that settled.'
'Certainly.'
'In a few days, then?'
'Before next Sunday; because we can enjoy ourselves on that day without any restraint, or without any uncomfortable feelings of uncertainty about us.'
* * * * *
I waited to hear no more: I had heard enough to tell me what I had to expect. I went back to my own room, and having put on my bonnet and shawl I went out to see the individual to whom I have alluded,