Colin, whose twins did need special care, used to envy parents who only had one: ‘I just seemed to lurch from worry to worry and they had so much more time. So it was useful to be reminded occasionally just how special the twins were. Although I envied parents who only had one, I would never have swapped the twins for just one, or had them one at a time.’
MOST OF US, when we envisage ourselves with a child, envisage exactly that: a one-to-one relationship. Right from the start, therefore, if you’ve given birth to twins, you have to adjust the dream to the reality in a fairly major way.
Jess felt she was giving neither of her children the attention they deserved: ‘Other parents might have time to show their babies a book, or take them for walks, but I hardly had time to smile at them. If one was being quiet, I’d rejoice, because it meant that I could change the other one’s nappy in peace. Most of the time, though, in those first few months, I felt as if I was listening to a constant grizzle, because – except when it came to feeding – whatever I was giving one, it meant I wasn’t giving it to the other.’
PARENTING IN the way or to the standard you’d imagined may not be possible with twins or more, and individual attention may be at a premium, but twins have each other for companionship and, as they grow older, a guaranteed play partner, in ways that singletons can never know.
Widening the circle can be more difficult, however: the efforts involved in getting out and socialising are multiplied more than seems fair when you have more than one. With her triplets, Dawn found it especially complicated: ‘Sometimes it can seem like too much trouble to put on three pairs of shoes and three coats just so you can wheel them all to the corner shop. But I know from experience that if I don’t go, and if I allow Peter to bring things back from work with him at the end of the day, like milk or a loaf of bread, then I might have no reason to go out, and if I don’t have a reason, I won’t go, and if I don’t go, I’ll just stay in and get more and more miserable. So it’s worth the effort.’
HOWEVER, most parents of twins (or triplets) will confirm the old cliché: that even if the demands and problems are doubled (or tripled) so are the joys and delights.
NEWBORN NICETIES
Some of the physical features of newborns that may cause surprise or anxiety include:
Birth marks (if it’s going to be a mark that’s permanent, someone should come to talk to you about it)
Heads that are moulded (from labour) so that they look squashed; the bones will return to normal within days
Spots (usually entirely harmless, however disappointing)
Hair (either too much or too little, depending on what the parents had thought the baby would have, but any amount is normal)
The sex organs – those on some little boys can appear out of proportion (he will grow into them), those on some little girls may be red and swollen as a reaction to the hormones in her mother’s body. Swollen breasts and even occasionally small amounts of milk are caused by the mothers’ hormones. Breast size will reduce and milk disappear over the first few days
A squint (which often disappears as the baby learns to focus her eyes).
HOW MANY of us new parents were prepared for the black umbilical stump? For the blotchy skin which newborns are prone to? For the way our newborn’s hands and feet can turn blue after a long nap, a sign that the circulation is not yet efficient or mature? In fact, in many respects the picturebook baby you were expecting may bear no resemblance to the child you’ve actually got, as Lynn discovered: ‘It was only when I changed Adam’s nappy for the first time that I got a good look at the umbilical cord … which was definitely something I hadn’t been prepared for. There was this black thing, with a clip on it. What was I supposed to do? The nurse had said “Oh, sprinkle on some of this powder when you clean him”, so I stood there with this talcum powder tin trying to guess if I should move the stump to one side, or lift it up, or just sprinkle all around it. I hadn’t a clue. I was petrified of hurting him. I was convinced that whatever I did, it would be wrong: the clamp would come off, it would bleed, I’d knock it off and do him dreadful damage. Then Adam did a wee all over me and I stopped worrying about the cord and started worrying about that instead.’
THERE ARE MANY kinds of marks on your baby’s body that may worry you, although most need no worrying about whatsoever. There are two kinds of birthmarks: vascular, which are to do with the blood vessels, and pigmented, which are to do with skin colouration. Philippa’s daughter, Sophie, was born with a birthmark: ‘Sophie was born with a red mark on her forehead and at first we never gave it a second thought. The midwives said it was probably a pressure mark from the birth and we were quite happy with that explanation – and relieved. At the six- week check, the doctor was more specific: “It’s a strawberry birthmark – my daughter had one. Don’t worry – it’ll go away on its own. “We were due to go back when Sophie was six months old, but we went back long before then as the mark began to get darker and to swell and we were worried it was some sort of tumour. We saw a skin specialist in London when she was three months old. She started on steroids and almost immediately the mark stopped growing. We were lucky, they think there won’t be a permanent mark, but those first months of her life were dreadful. There was all that uncertainty, all that fear for the future, and all that guilt. Even though this wasn’t a life-threatening condition, and it didn’t mean she had any permanent disability, that mark takes away the enjoyment and all the joy of her arrival even now. I look back at photographs of her when she was newly born and I think: “I should be thinking what a beautiful baby she was”, but I’m not. I’m thinking: “Look at that red mark. Little did we know.”’
BIRTHMARKS
A brown mark – these are present in about ten per cent of babies: sometimes dark brown, sometimes a pale, milky coffee colour. Harmless. May not fade but no treatment necessary.
Mole – a very few babies are born with a mole; raised, flat, dark or light, of any shape. They are only a cause for concern if they suddenly get larger, itch or bleed. If this happens, see your GP.
Mongolian blue spot – a large, blue-grey or brown mark which occurs reasonably frequently in dark-skinned babies, usually on their back or bottom. Harmless. Soon fades.
Port wine stain – a flat, purple-red birthmark caused by blood vessels under the skin; usually harmless but can be distressing for parents, and permanent without treatment. Nowadays, laser treatment can remove these birthmarks safely and effectively in four or five treatments, which can usually be started almost immediately.
Stork bites – small pink blotches, usually near the eyelid. Harmless. Will fade. No treatment required.
Strawberry birthmarks – raised, red marks. Usually occur on the face or neck. They eventually stop growing – although they may initially get larger before they shrink again – and usually fade completely during childhood. May need treatment if it is near your baby’s eyes, or in an awkward place where it could cause her discomfort. In these cases, the mark can be removed with laser therapy.
Tiny brown marks – usually round… stop panicking – it’s a freckle.
DURING THE first 24 hours after the birth, a paediatrician will visit you to check over your baby. The paediatrician will check things like:
Your baby’s hips – to make sure they are fitting nicely in their socket and have not been slightly dislocated by the birth
The fontanelles: